Valentine’s day is here! I hate it so much! YAAAAY LOVE SUCKS!
Suddenly every couple wants to share their love while FB pages and whatsapp groups are spammed with unnecessary and grammatically incorrect love posts (u wil alweyz be min fureva aka I love you because you don’t know English). You can’t step out of your house because you will be spammed by an onslaught of heart balloons, heart chocolates and even pigeons that shit in heart shapes.
V-Day (sounds so wrong) is just a shitty day created by greeting card companies so that they could profit off stupidity. Somewhere in a jungle a tree is crying because his father was killed to become a greeting card. All the other trees are making fun of him going ‘Mera baap sofa ban gaya…haha iska baap chutiya nikla” This day is horrible for single people. I’ve been single for so long that my cupid has filed for unemployment. Let me just clarify, I’m not desperate for a relationship nor do I have feelings of loneliness where I listen to Air Supply songs and cry while caressing a pillow. I’m just a guy who tried and ended up being cynical (even my right hand has started faking headaches)
As a Die Hard romantic fanatic (Who doesn’t love Detective John McClane?), I completely don’t believe in this concept of love. So I went online looking for some romantic quotes to motivate me and all that they did was just infuriate me further. I’m about to decode them and try to tell you how wrong and unromantic they are.
“Love is like friendship on fire”
I have never been in love nor have I ever had the chance to set my friends on fire so I never quite understand what these people are referring to. I’m waiting for the day I meet the perfect girl and speak to her like this:
Me: “Hey you want to be more than friends?”
She: “Sure what do you have in mind”
Me: *pours kerosene over her and then laughs as she burns* “I love you”
This is clearly the most sadistic love quote that I have ever read. Is this what love actually is? You think Sati was not the act of women burning themselves but just girls who wanted to take their relationship to the next level? Honestly this is the only time where it’s valid to call a girl hot and claim that she is your burning desire. Guys you should totally have sex with a girl who has STD’s cos if love is friendship on fire then gonorrhea is making love on fire!
“Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness”
Nope. As a guy I can tell you that the only key than can open a woman’s gate of happiness is a you know….this really small key . All men are like amateur security guards. We possess the keys but when it comes to unlocking the gates we end up fumbling and complaining because we can’t find the right keyhole.
Guys, the best way to reach any gate of any woman is to have the master key. All men know what it is, something that we all will give to a woman somewhere down the line. The larger it is the better they like it. The rougher it is the better they like it. Some of them love wrapping their fingers around it… You know… A diamond. Sheesh guys! Don’t tell me you thought I was talking about something else!
PENIS (had to yell that out)
“Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile”
Who is dreaming of smile? Don’t you have better things to dream about? The only person who I can think of who dreams of my smile is that creepy dentist from the Colgate commercials who randomly meets you in the lift with a scanner and then proceeds to probe you anally.
Listen ladies. We are men. We dream. Yes we do but we dream of…well…you know…smiles are on our faces because we are dreaming of other things. We dream of your large eyes, the ones that are not up there. We dream about your cheeks the ones that are round and perfect. We dream of your lips…around our…*coughs*… let’s just put it this way… our dreams lead to us finding our keys first thing in the morning.
“I want to be the reason why you fell asleep with your phone in your hand”
Aww. I feel bad for you. She did fall asleep, but it wasn’t because of you, it was Flappy Bird.
“I did three things today. Miss you. Miss you and miss you”
Don’t you have a job? Do something with your life. Don’t be so unambitious. This is a really trashy resume to hand over to a company:
Boss: Ok where have you worked before?
Him: I miss people.
Boss: Any experience?
Him: I miss people.
Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years? Please say something different.
Him: I see myself working hard for this company.
Him: I will still miss people.
Dude, if you you miss someone, call them or meet them. Putting up this status is the laziest way to tell people you like them. Also guys don’t miss people, we have a lot more important things to do all day. Ask any guy what are the three things he did the whole day and he will only smile and say nothing. (Nothing = Fap + Fap + Fap).
“Don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened”
This is the only quote that I completely agree with. This is in fact the same advice that I give myself every morning after I’ve had a rough dump. I knew I should not have eaten so much Chinese last night because I ended up being a bum dragon and it burned so much. I did not cry. I smiled because it happened.
That’s when I realized. Love is exactly like a dump. It’s a tough process. Sometimes it’s hurts and sometimes it’s smooth but it always feels good when it’s over. You feel so relaxed because there is nothing holding you down, as you are a free and independent soul. As soon as you’re done it’s so easy to just flush it all away. Let it go, only if it loves you will it come back.
There you go. That’s my perspective on romance. I’m sure a lot of women(make that all) will disagree with what I just said. Also on a side note I think I’m going to be single for life. However, I really don’t care because I’ve found my calling in life; I’m going to spend the rest of my life campaigning for trees whose fathers have become cards. In case you are a single girl and you miss me, miss me and miss me, I’ll be in your dreams smiling and taking a dump, which I’ll soon set on fire.