What to do when life gives me a watermelon instead of lemons?
– Navneet Kaur
Life is so stupid. Firstly I want to meet the guy who coined this term because I’ve been waiting for life to hand me lemons but every single time I call up customer care they say ‘Sorry sir we are currently out of lemons. Please listen to this Stevie Wonder song while we keep you on hold for the next generation’.
2. Pessimists: See the glass half empty.
3. Opticians: Give you glasses.
4. Opportunists: Take the glass and try to get free water from Mc.Donalds.
5. Normal People: Call the waiter and ask him why the glass has not been filled up yet.
Is buying an iPhone a neccessity for getting laid in today’s time?
– Laksh Narang
See if you buy an iPhone then girls go ‘OMG HE IS SO RICH HE CAN AFFORD AN iPHONE I WILL DO SEX ON HIM’ but then again if you buy a Micromax she will be like ‘OMG HE IS POOR. I WILL DO PITY SEX ON HIM’.
In case you don’t have an iPhone you can always contact Navneet Kaur as she’s got a whole bunch of watermelons lying around (that sounds very very wrong).
I’m a fat girl and had a break up last year. He didn’t bother to tell a reason but he told his friends that he doesn’t want to date a poofy person anymore. I really got depressed and it made me so insecure that I can’t even take a walk by myself. What do I do?
What an asshole. Honestly if any guy told you that then he deserves to be slapped on his face by a watermelon.
Secondly.I don’t believe in people being fat or thin. Being a former fat person I know how sad it is when people ignore you because of your looks. I did my best and lost weight and now look at me….people still ignore me. (PS: Ugliness is genetic)
My advice to you? Hold your head up high and move on. Breakups are like giant dumps. You feel so much lighter and better after getting rid of all that waste. Just disregard this entire experience and flush it all away. You are who you are and you should be proud of yourself. You may be Jupiter to someone, yet to someone else you are the world (this makes no sense because Jupiter does not have people but let’s keep this as a secret between us).
I need your help and advice. I like this boy but he says he doesn’t like Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings. Instead, he prefers to go watch Bollywood movies and quote Yo Yo Honey Singh. How do I break his heart and not hurt his feelings at the same time?
– Alisha Attarwala
Hey dosts! I’m so sorry I was supposed to write this last week but fell super sick and didn’t get any time.
Anyways you guys asked me some questions and now it’s time for me to give some advice! SOLETTUCEBEGIN!
How does it feel when your ex still wants to be your friend just after your breakup because it helps you move on?
– Vivek Kate
It’s amazing how many people have had bad break ups and don’t know what to do about it afterwards. A majority of the population doesn’t stick to friendship after the break up but I feel that depends on the amount of time you have dated. Here’s the post breakup friendship chart to help you out:
1 day – 1 month = Can still go back to being friends.
1 month – 1 year = May or may not work.
1 year onwards = He/She has seenyou nangu for more than a year. There is no turning back. You can be friends but every time you meet you will always be reminded of your shared nangu memories.
To some extent it’s great that the ex wants to be your friend but technically if you want to move on you should take your space and then get back to being friends. It’s a tricky scenario and I feel the one reason people are afraid of breakups is because they never work out properly. Take for example Adam and Eve:
Adam: I want to see other people.
Eve: There are no other people.
Adam: Damn it.
Also honestly every single break up conversation is filled with all the cliched dialogues, but they’re never really honest right?
So what they end up saying is:
“We need to start seeing otherpeople”
“It’s not you. It’s me”
“I just feel that we need some space. Let’s just be friends”
but what they actually mean is:
“We are bored of each other’s bodies.Let’s start seeing other people nangu”
“It’s definitely you. Seriously? Do you think it’s me? Bitch pliss I’m perfect. Maybe it’s me..maybe it’s Maybelline”
“Friends? AHHAHAHAH we are never going to be that. One of us is going to spend the rest of our life moping and imagining alternative realities where we’re married and have children that look like David Beckham. I’m definitely not going to just be your friend, I’m going to follow you everywhere, going to stalk you till you die and when you die I’ll send a friend request to Yamraaj so I can see which afterlifephotos he is tagging you in. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE APART”
So it’s up to you whether you can keep the friendship or whether you will turn into an emotional drunkard who listens to Arijit Singh songs and cries everytime you see your own reflection. I’d say after a break up take some time off for yourself. Treat yourself. Love yourself. THEN UNFRIEND THAT PERSON FROM FACEBOOK. HOW DARE YOU MOVE ON SO QUICKLY HUH? I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE? I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE WITH A TOMATO…..excuse me. I got carried away.
What if I find a certain Sahil Shah hot?
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH LOLPAPADYOU NEED HIGHER STANDARDS.
but if you’re still settling for anything then I know a guy called Vivek Kate(he loves being friends before and after. Plus together you can spend some Kate-Meethe Pal….hahaha I am comedy)
How do I make a girl who suddenly hates me regret it? Also, why are there no single girls on Tinder?
Let’s divide your wonderful questions into two parts first.
a.Firstly I just want to know how has the girl suddenly started hating you? There’s no such thing as sudden hate. You will never meet someone who you just see and then want to slap for no rhyme or reason (unless that someone is KRK then I can understand).
However to some extent I know where you’re coming from because women are as unpredictable as British weather (one moment you’re discussing how nice it is, the other moment you’re being showered upon because it hates your judgement). Women can hate you or love you based on their mood and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Infact you can’t even make a woman regret anything. Once she has made a decision it is final, which is what makes women possess superior shopping skills. They go in with a mindset of buying the one thing they won’t hate and the one thing other women will regret not buying. The same applies for men too; they see men as purses that can be used, stuffed to the brim with emotions and stories about how their day went and then thrown away when they find a better deal.
My advice to you?
If a woman sees you as a purse, you behave like a clutch. Show here that you’re the one with the money and she will make sure that you are top priority for her. (Most of this analogy will not make sense to you but any woman reading this will smile and then go back to filling their man purses with stories about their day)
b.Secondly I have mentioned this before also and I want to say it again. Tinder is the worst place for finding women. It’s currently filled with teenagers who believe they will find love and friendship (LOLCHEESETOAST). What they don’t know is that it’s also filled with a bunch of sleazy men who spend their days swiping right to every single profile in the hope they will get one match. Plus most of the single girls are wary of men online (ask any girl about her ‘Other folder’. I believe a girls hotness is proportional to the number of messages she has in her other folder’). Trust me as a single girl the last thing you wantis to have conversations like:
Guy1: Hey butiful. Nyc eyes and nyc drass. U lukin fyn. Want to mit for sex?
Guy2: Hello. I am intellectual guy who has come to this website just to make newfriends. I have just moved to the city and have no friends so I was told to goto Facebook and message random women because apparently this tactic works inconning stupid women who think I’m here to make new friends. Later on sex youwill do?
Guy3: Hi. I just came across your profile while I was randomly searching for women and I have to say. You are pretty. You want to sex?
Guy4: I’m a Nigerian prince and I want to transfer money to your account.
Guy5: Hi. Sex? Dega to legi?
In other words there is no way you’re going meet a single girl on Tinder or a woman who doesn’t suddenly hate you. The best way to make a woman regret anything is by making her jealous. Find a woman who loves you and that will counteract the hate (yin and yang/ Abbas and Mustan).
If this still doesn’t work then stop going to Tinder and meet Vanshita Fotedar (If she finds me hot then she would be attracted to you, even if you were literally a purse with legs and chest hair)
That’s all the advice I have for this week. Thank you so much for writing in and again if you have any relationship issues or need advice on anything in life (screw the colour of the dress cos it’s shit anyways) then do let me know.
Till next time!
May the dost be with you!
Every time I get into a relationship I get dumped,last year I got dumped for 6 times,the thing is that those girls used to like me before the relationship started. Is there something wrong with me or I am way too good to handle?
Six times? Dude that is so cool! The last time I was in a relationship my imaginary girlfriend left me for my imaginary best friend. All the other imaginary girls I know are way out of my league. So well done on getting someone real! (I hope they are!). What I don’t know is if you are getting dumped 6 times by the same person or if it’s different women (if that’s the case then hai faive). In all honesty I think there is nothing wrong with you, maybe they like you before the relationship and afterwards they fall in love with you and cannot handle your beyond amazing personality that is so flawless people become paralysed when they see you. (WHY DID YOU MEET STEPHEN HAWKING VISHAL? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SEDUCE HIM?)
What must a man do in order to get a threesome?
“I have a dream. A dream that one day I will sleep with two women without any conflict” – Martin Luther King Junior one night after having 3 long island ice teas.
You: Hey. Wass’Iwantathreesome’up
She: Did you say something?
You: No. I was just saying you look so beautiful that I want to ‘haveathreesome’ give you flowers.
She: Did you…just?
You: *coughs* Sorry ‘Iwantathreesome’ *coughs*
She: *suddenly* I was thinking next week let’s have a threesome?
You: WOO *jump up and hi five Vishal who is up there cos he’s so awesome and too good to handle for people on Earth’
Just pray daily and hope for the best, it will happen soon!
How do I motivate myself to not eat all that yummy junk food and go to the gym and do the ‘exercise’? And also what do I do with all the tinder guys I’ve given my <a>no.to?</a>
Motivation is something that comes from inside and cannot be taught. It’s not possible to ignore junk food. It’s too yummy and it’s been created just so that God can screw around with us. I can guarantee you somewhere in Heaven he is chuckling to himself and eating Cheetos (while Jesus plays with his Tazo colelction). What you can do is control by setting some life goals. Set a goal that one day you want to be so fit and hot that forget the guys on Tinder, you want Alimohammed Chinwala to come and ask you to join him for a threesome.
I am thinking of proposing a girl, can you help me out Sahil ???
1. Go to a bar.
2. Meet a girl. Say ‘Hey can you come outside for a second?’
3. She follows you outside.
4. As soon as she is out scream ‘HAHA I ASKED YOU OUT AND YOU SAID YES. YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND. KEHDO NA KEDHO NA YOU ARE MY SONIA!’
5. Get slapped and walk away. Try again on someone else.
Till next week! Good luck and fair biddings (unless you’re South Indian)
Valentine’s day is here! I hate it so much! YAAAAY LOVE SUCKS!
Suddenly every couple wants to share their love while FB pages and whatsapp groups are spammed with unnecessary and grammatically incorrect love posts (u wil alweyz be min fureva aka I love you because you don’t know English). You can’t step out of your house because you will be spammed by an onslaught of heart balloons, heart chocolates and even pigeons that shit in heart shapes.
V-Day (sounds so wrong) is just a shitty day created by greeting card companies so that they could profit off stupidity. Somewhere in a jungle a tree is crying because his father was killed to become a greeting card. All the other trees are making fun of him going ‘Mera baap sofa ban gaya…haha iska baap chutiya nikla” This day is horrible for single people. I’ve been single for so long that my cupid has filed for unemployment. Let me just clarify, I’m not desperate for a relationship nor do I have feelings of loneliness where I listen to Air Supply songs and cry while caressing a pillow. I’m just a guy who tried and ended up being cynical (even my right hand has started faking headaches)
As a Die Hard romantic fanatic (Who doesn’t love Detective John McClane?), I completely don’t believe in this concept of love. So I went online looking for some romantic quotes to motivate me and all that they did was just infuriate me further. I’m about to decode them and try to tell you how wrong and unromantic they are.
“Love is like friendship on fire”
I have never been in love nor have I ever had the chance to set my friends on fire so I never quite understand what these people are referring to. I’m waiting for the day I meet the perfect girl and speak to her like this:
Me: “Hey you want to be more than friends?”
She: “Sure what do you have in mind”
Me: *pours kerosene over her and then laughs as she burns* “I love you”
This is clearly the most sadistic love quote that I have ever read. Is this what love actually is? You think Sati was not the act of women burning themselves but just girls who wanted to take their relationship to the next level? Honestly this is the only time where it’s valid to call a girl hot and claim that she is your burning desire. Guys you should totally have sex with a girl who has STD’s cos if love is friendship on fire then gonorrhea is making love on fire!
“Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness”
Nope. As a guy I can tell you that the only key than can open a woman’s gate of happiness is a you know….this really small key . All men are like amateur security guards. We possess the keys but when it comes to unlocking the gates we end up fumbling and complaining because we can’t find the right keyhole.
Guys, the best way to reach any gate of any woman is to have the master key. All men know what it is, something that we all will give to a woman somewhere down the line. The larger it is the better they like it. The rougher it is the better they like it. Some of them love wrapping their fingers around it… You know… A diamond. Sheesh guys! Don’t tell me you thought I was talking about something else!
PENIS (had to yell that out)
“Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile”
Who is dreaming of smile? Don’t you have better things to dream about? The only person who I can think of who dreams of my smile is that creepy dentist from the Colgate commercials who randomly meets you in the lift with a scanner and then proceeds to probe you anally.
Listen ladies. We are men. We dream. Yes we do but we dream of…well…you know…smiles are on our faces because we are dreaming of other things. We dream of your large eyes, the ones that are not up there. We dream about your cheeks the ones that are round and perfect. We dream of your lips…around our…*coughs*… let’s just put it this way… our dreams lead to us finding our keys first thing in the morning.
“I want to be the reason why you fell asleep with your phone in your hand”
Aww. I feel bad for you. She did fall asleep, but it wasn’t because of you, it was Flappy Bird.
“I did three things today. Miss you. Miss you and miss you”
Don’t you have a job? Do something with your life. Don’t be so unambitious. This is a really trashy resume to hand over to a company:
Boss: Ok where have you worked before?
Him: I miss people.
Boss: Any experience?
Him: I miss people.
Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years? Please say something different.
Him: I see myself working hard for this company.
Him: I will still miss people.
Dude, if you you miss someone, call them or meet them. Putting up this status is the laziest way to tell people you like them. Also guys don’t miss people, we have a lot more important things to do all day. Ask any guy what are the three things he did the whole day and he will only smile and say nothing. (Nothing = Fap + Fap + Fap).
“Don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened”
This is the only quote that I completely agree with. This is in fact the same advice that I give myself every morning after I’ve had a rough dump. I knew I should not have eaten so much Chinese last night because I ended up being a bum dragon and it burned so much. I did not cry. I smiled because it happened.
That’s when I realized. Love is exactly like a dump. It’s a tough process. Sometimes it’s hurts and sometimes it’s smooth but it always feels good when it’s over. You feel so relaxed because there is nothing holding you down, as you are a free and independent soul. As soon as you’re done it’s so easy to just flush it all away. Let it go, only if it loves you will it come back.
There you go. That’s my perspective on romance. I’m sure a lot of women(make that all) will disagree with what I just said. Also on a side note I think I’m going to be single for life. However, I really don’t care because I’ve found my calling in life; I’m going to spend the rest of my life campaigning for trees whose fathers have become cards. In case you are a single girl and you miss me, miss me and miss me, I’ll be in your dreams smiling and taking a dump, which I’ll soon set on fire.
It was my birthday two weeks ago. I’m going to stop you before you foolishly scream out ‘Happy Birthday’ at your screen. Let me just put it out there, I detest birthdays and more than birthdays I detest other people around my birthday.
It’s that day when suddenly everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my ‘Special Day’. Every single person calls up and has the exact same conversation:
“HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”
“SO WHAT PLANS?”
“HOW COME NOTHING. BRO. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. BRO. GO OUT. CELEBRATE. I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY. I WILL GO AND HAVE COCAINE WITH THE BITCHES BRO. BIRTHDAY BRO. POLICE CATCH YOU AND YOU SAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THEN YOU TAKE THEIR GUN AND SHOOT THEM BRO COME ON BE EXCITED MAN. IT”S YOUR DAY MAN. AAAAGH PARTY BROOOOOO. FUCKING PARTY AND LOSE YOUR TITTIES BRO”
“Thanks Dad. I need to go. I’ll call you right back. ”
Suddenly everyone becomes your best friend, they will want to know about your life, family, parents, relationship, job. Everything should be discussed in that one-30 second conversation. That’s all. That’s the friendship window. You miss out on that…you’re not a friend anymore.
It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, whatsapp forwards that have nothing to do with your birthday and then come the worst things ever….FACEBOOK POSTS.
So I’m going to give you a quick guide on the birthday posts that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:
1. “Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day”
That’s such a sweet, heart warming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking your time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realize that it’s my birthday. I also thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving you of all social courtesy.
Appropriate reply: K
Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Even Happy B’day would have been good enough. Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja’s Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don’t wish, I’ll understand and thank you for that.
Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.
3.“HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST”
I never quite understood why people feel it’s important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaida but apart from that it means nothing. I’m not that violent an individual that I’ll call people over and play a game of ‘Exploding Cylinders Run Run!’. In fact it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, ‘Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side it’s Sahil’s birthday so the government has pardoned him’. Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT I know I’ll never have a blast.
Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.
4. “WHEN’S THE PARTY BRO?”
You have not spoken to me in years but you expect me to call you for my party? We don’t even know each other but on the basis of our facebook friendship (which is an occasional like on my status) you expect me to treat you? I’m definitely not having a party and even if I do you are not going to be invited. BTW I see your birthday is coming up in a month. When’s the party bro?
Appropriate Response: When I’m done with your mom.
5.“HAVE A SICK ONE”
This is a wish that I will never understand. Are you trying to wish me or curse me? Wishing me this is as good as sending me a letter with anthrax on it. You might as well come to my party and then cough all over my cake and then wipe your nose with potato chips and give it to me to eat. The last thing I want is people crowding around me in a hospital room screaming ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ while the nurse administers my flu vaccine.
Appropriate Response: Tell my mother I love her….*coughs*…….*dies*
I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I would like to thank each and every one of you for wishing me and making me feel special. I just felt that I needed to let you guys know what goes through everyone’s mind when you wish them.
In case you feel like wishing me next year just remember that I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. I’ll mostly be having a sick one because I went to a party where people yelled ‘HBD’ and played games of ‘Exploding Cylinder Run Run!’.