Hey Dost (Sahil’s weekly column no. 4. LOL)

Hey dosts so sorry I’ve not written a new column. I was traveling for the Ghanta Awards and busy saving the world from annhilation by radioactive anteaters (Thank me later).
I’m not back with my columnz  (Yes weekly. I won’t slack off) So let’s begin.
 
Hey Dost, 
How do I make a girl talk to me?
-Ansh Aggarwal.
Hey Dost,
Women are the most complicated species on the planet (after mosquitos. I mean. Why do they even exist? Even radioactive anteaters don’t understand their purpose) and talking to any woman is an art that you must learn to master through experience and failure. (basically you fail, you feel shitty and end up talking to the wall who ignores you)
You can’t make a girl talk to you. You always have to make the first step. Make the first move. Say the first word. Be the one to pay on the first date. Be the first person to cut the call. Be the first person to open the door for her and eventually be the first person to ask her to marry you (In short she’d go for Neil Armstrong over Buzz Aldrin anyday)
 
Talking to a girl is very easy. All you need is:
1. Lot’s of self confidence.
2. A fairly decent sense of humor (DO NOT point and say ‘HEY BOOBS HAHA’ and run away. It does not work)
3. Dress nicely.
 
That’s it. Once you have these three elements in place you need to just go to a girl and open with a line that has been working since the neanderthal days… ‘Hi’ and then she will start talking to you. When talking to her remember:
 
1. Do not look at her chest.
2. Do not look at her face with your mouth open.
3. Do not touch yourself.
4. You’re looking at her chest aren’t you? Look up. Look at her eyes.
5. Do not take photos of her and send it to your friends while she is talking to you.
6. Do not bring your mother over and tell her ‘Mummy yeh aapki bahu hai’
7. WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING AT HER CHEST?
 
Also women tend to have a lot of excuses to throw when a guy approaches them. Here are some the classic women excuses broken down to help you out:
 
1. I have a boyfriend.
I may have a boyfriend but I also could be lying to you because you’re not good looking. 
2. I’m busy right now.
I have a lot of stuff to do like stare at my face in this giant screen of mine so I can admire how pretty I look, but I can put it away if you’re good looking. 
3. Sorry not interested.
You’re not good looking. Aage jao. Chutta nahi hai.
 
In short all you need to do is try talking to all the women you know till you develop this confidence that just shows in the way you behave. That way rejection will just bounce off you and leave women attracted to your resilience or stupidity. Speaking to a girl is the simplest and easiest thing to do, just be yourself and don’t doubt yourself. Trust me good looking people have it muuuuuch easier but decent looking people can pull it off with great confidence (Ask me. It’s worked. That’s how I got my right hand to date me). If nothing else works there’s always Savita Bhabhi. (ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER CHEST? COME ON DUDE. STOP)
 
Hey Dost,
How do I stop feeling so empty after losing someone I had feelings for? Someone I shared a great connection with but he started dating someone else because of the crazy distance between us. I know long distance relationships are the worst and won’t work but it feels so weird to throw something so good away because of distance… I feel like a zombie right now.
Anonymous.
 
Hey Dost,
As I’ve mentioned before. Feelings are exactly like poop, you feel empty after you’ve lost them but trust me you will feel much better when they’re out of your system. Like poop, feelings should come at a comfortable time and should not be forced (It hurts the rectum known as the heart). Long distance relationships are the worst thing in the world. I once dated a girl who stayed in Malad and couldn’t date her because it was too far away for me.
 
Honestly I know what you’re going through because it is so depressing to see someone else dating the man/woman you wanted to date. Honestly if you guys had a great connection I don’t see any reason why he should not try to make an effort to work it out. I mean that’s the thing about love it surpasses all boundaries (except China. They will kidnap love and force it to make sneakers for them). 
 
However by the looks of it he’s moved on and has already started a new life and honestly I think you should just let this go. You don’t want to be the woman that ruined someone else’s relationship because of your own personal goals ( I KNOW SHE IS A BITCH AND SHE DESERVES TO BE UNHAPPY BUT REMOVE THESE THOUGHTS).
If he liked you then he would have tried to make things work, you can easily make a long distance work by talking daily, have skype dates (they even have apps for the badonkadonk now) and just virtually maintain your relationship till one of you travels and meets the other. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and distance make the hormones go crazy. Yet currently he is in a situation your absence does not affect him and he would like to maintain the distance between you guys.
 
Yet I say, don’t throw this away. Just wait for a bit and let him figure out for himself what can happen. If you guys really cannot live without each other than a compromise can be met, you should both meet halfway, shift to Bangladesh and live there. If not then you should just let him live his life and be the friend that he always wanted. It’s tough being friendzoned by distance but it’s tougher being a zombie. Just go out there and start meeting other people. That’s what good zombies do. They meet other people and eventually settle with someone who has ‘Braaaaaains’ so go ahead and you will find someone else who will make you feel nice, while living in the same city. Give it time and these feelings will subside, it’s what the elders call ‘Moving On’. In case they’re still there then I suggest you find a replacement, I can always connect you to Ansh Aggarwal who really wants to just talk to a girl. Good luck with that!
 
Hey Dost,
Every guy I like (There were just 2) has either friend-zoned me or we stopped being in touch. So as a result, I have been single all my life and I think guys just run away from me or something. Please help so I don’t end up forever alone. 
-Ayisha Abdul
 
Hey Dost,
 
Don’t ever feel bad about being single because it’s the greatest feeling in the world. I used to be single for the longest amount of time. I was so single that my cupid filed for unemployment. Don’t think that guys run away from you. See you have the biggest advantage of all time….you are a woman. The biggest pick up line that works on any man is just ‘Yes’. That’s it.
 
Don’t be hung up on just 2 guys, there are sooo many out there who you can try your luck with. See it’s only through rejection that you will realize what you need to change and what you’re looking for. It’s a simple cycle.
 
1. Meet guy.
2. Realize what you like about the guy and what he likes about you.
3. If it works out then great! If it doesn’t find out why he doesn’t like you.
4. Change it if it’s a bad habit (like smoking, sleepwalking or singing Himesh songs)
5. Once the habit has changed repeat step 1 and start the process again.
 
After these cycles you will be purged of all the bad habits and you will also realize what you actually want from a guy. It will make it simpler for you to have fun and enjoy and trust me on this one thing….don’t worry about being single because a relationship is the most overrated thing in the world.
Dating is basically being best friends with someone (plus sax) that’s all. When you’re single you can do what you want, eat what you want, go where ever you want without your respective partner calling and saying ‘We don’t do things together anymore’. Remember there are tons of guys in your situation just now, and honestly you just need to find another guy who is forever alone and you guys can be forever alone…together. 
 
Don’t waste your time worrying about your relationship status. You’re still young, there are so many sides to you that you have not yet discovered (like your left profile. It’s fascinating) . Screw the guys, just go out there, explore the world and do things that interest you. Start discovering more about yourself and slowly guys will start discovering you and then they will flock to you like gujarati’s at a falguni pathak concert. Trust me sitting and complaingin about being single is not going ot help. 
 
As a famous philospher once said : ‘Ayisha. Ayisha’ Ecoutez moi’ which roughly translates to ‘JA AYISHA JEE LE APNI ZINDAGI’
 
The sad part of life is that when you’re single you miss a relationship and vice versa, so you’re never going to be happy unless you be happy with yourself. (That is until you friendzone yourself. Then you’re screwed). Worst comes to worst you can always date yourself. I dated myself for a long time and it was the best relationship ever! (I always completed my own sentences and that turned me on)
 
So best of luck finding yourself and then finding a guy! In case you’re still looking then I can connect you to Ansh Aggarwal (See Ansh. Two women already! You should thank me for being your wingman)
 
Well I hope this helps you guys. There are many more questions left which I will answer next week but i you have any query do send it to me and I will do my best to answer it!
Till then thank you so much for reading!
May the dost be with you.
Sahil.
 
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Hey Dost – If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Welcome back to ze advice times!
Hey Dost,
I want to get off the internet and have a life. How do I do that?
Akanksha Sharma
Hey Dost,
HAHAHAHHA YOU’RE SCREWED YOU CAN NEVER DO THAT!
The internet is the greatest and worst creation that mankind has ever made. It’s like a hot woman because it’s so beautiful and distracting that you will never focus on your work unless you learn to ignore it. The internet is like a drug that you really cannot get rid off (Like cocaine or the taste of butter chicken). The only way you can get off the internet is by deleting your internet connection (or as normal people call it switching to Vodafone 3G). I feel if you really want to have a life then you can start by following these real life website substitutes that will help you move on:
Facebook:
Go outside. Talk to real people and make real friends. Then when they get married you can go to their houses and spray paint on their walls ‘CONGO YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER’. This is also a great way to socialize and meet new people. You can always sit in a group and discuss the days updates like ‘Sheila got a husband. What happens next will blow your mind?’ and ‘Here are ten ways we can bitch about other people without being bitchy’. Then when you see your ex you can follow him around and every single time he’s with a girl you can scream ‘I still miss us’ so that he feels awkward. Live the life a little. It’s really that simple.
Twitter:
Open your window. Scream at the air. Realize nobody is listening. Close your window. Repeat process in ten seconds.
Youtube:
Go see a theatre play. It’s exactly like youtube but it’s live (some plays even have mini unskippable ad plays that happen before the actual play starts)
Gmail:
Constantly touch your postman’s forehead and mutter ‘Refresh’ and hope that he delivers the latest mail instantly.
Orkut:
Visit Bangladesh.
Trust me the internet is a vast playground and the only way to get off it is to deny playtime to yourself. So the next time you see yourself climbing up the slide of instant online gratification, get off and rush to the swings of life and play there till your parents come and take you away. Great things are always achieved by great people, and great people are those who stri to turn the WiFI off. So I wish you luck with that! *opens window and screams at a bird*
Hey Dost, 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– Araniani Aces
Hey Dost,
That’s a great question and the answer is simple. Love is blind but lust is not. Love is nothing but lust with his eyes covered, love will subdue lust till the opportune moment, and lingerie is the catalyst that makes them both crazy.
Here’s how lust and love see things:
Hot Girl:
Lust: OHO I WANT HER.
Love: I wish she was my girlfriend. I would make her feel so special all the time.
Sex:
Lust: OHO YES THIS IS WHAT I WANT. THIS IZ BEST.
Love: I am doing this with the person who makes me comfortable.
Lingerie:
Lust: OOOOOOH
Love: OOOOOOH MY GOD! LET US DO THIS. THIS IZ BESTS.
Lust: THIS IS BRESTS.
Love: OOOOH CHADDI.
Lingerie is the greatest creation of mankind after the internet and honestly it’s what glues love and lust together. They are nothing but chaddi buddies that love badi chaddis. I think that’s why animals don’t spend so much time with each other. It’s only because they don’t wear lingerie (it’s also a bit bizarre for a lioness to run behind deer wearing La Senza outfits). Dressing up and looking pretty is the greatest thing anyone can do for their respective partners (if you’re a guy trying out lingerie it’s a bit creepy) but that’s what makes us human. We like dressing up for the people we love because love is blind and lingerie is it’s braille.
PS: The next time you plan to wear lingerie don’t forget to get a second opinion on how it looks (You can always contact me because like Akanksha, I too am trying to get off the internet and need offline alternatives to well….*coughs* Savitabhabhi *coughs*).
Hey Dost,
Have you ever been in a situation where nothing seems to go your way. There’s nobody you can share your feelings with. You just want to have a new beginning in your life? You feel like you’re the least important guy in the world? If yes how did you handle the situation?
– Shalin Shah
 
Hey Dost,
Of course I’ve been in situations like this. People believe that comedians are happy all the time and when you hang out with them all you see is positivity and unicorns but it’s not true. Comedians are known to be the saddest humans because we spend so much time making other people happy we completely forget what makes us happy. (Children’s toys and photos of Ajay Devgn make me truly happy)
There are moments when I feel really sad and unimportant, but then I realise that at the end of the day all of us have someone looking upto us (my friend Raj is 4 feet tall so he always ends up looking up to me).
If you ever feel down or sad you should always call someone and talk to them, that’s what friends are for. Friends are nothing but free psychiatrists whose advice you should rarely listen to (because a comedian giving advice is much saner). Life is exactly like one long car journey. There are going to be moments where you’re super bored and moments where you really wish you had not taken the journey in the first place. Yet every single time we reach the end of our journey we look back and instead of seeing where we’ve reached we see the distance we’ve covered and that makes us proud.
Trust me things don’t go your way every now and then but you should just keep a cool mind about it and everything will fall into place. Here’s the correct procedure to handle sadness:
1. Feel sad and demotivated.
2. Go to Google and look for motivational posts and stories.
3. Read up on famous people on wikipedia.
4. OOOOH the new Flash episode is out.
5. Download it and watch it.
6. That was a great episode. Wait a second…what were we feeling bad about now?
7. Don’t remember let me just continue with life.
8. Crap! I have wasted my whole day. I feel so unimportant.
9. Well at least I’m not Baba Sehgal.
10. PARTY!
So the next time you’re down just forget everything and smile because there’s a lot more to look forward to than this. In case you’re really depressed you can come Lingerie shopping with Araniani and I and then we can meet up with Akanksha and sit on the internet and feel much better about our existence. (We will watch cat videos, see gifs of people falling and occasionally open windows and scream at birds).
That’s all from my side. Thank you so much for writing in. If you have any problems then do message me in my inbox and I will answer it the next time.
Till then!
May the dost be with you!
Sahil.
Lingri

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Hey Dost. Column no. 3

Hello dosts! Welcome back to ze advice times!
Hey Dost,
What to do when life gives me a watermelon instead of lemons?
– Navneet Kaur

Hey Dost,
Life is so stupid. Firstly I want to meet the guy who coined this term because I’ve been waiting for life to hand me lemons but every single time I call up customer care they say ‘Sorry sir we are currently out of lemons. Please listen to this Stevie Wonder song while we keep you on hold for the next generation’.
Honestly I feel life should have a customer care centre where you can call up and complain about all your problems. Life giving you watermelons instead of lemons? Clearly life is not doing very well in the retail space.
I firmly believe if life gives you lemons then you should tell life to get lost because you didn’t want lemons in the first place. It totally depends on what your outlook is:
1.Optimists: See the glass half full.
2. Pessimists: See the glass half empty.
3. Opticians: Give you glasses.
4. Opportunists: Take the glass and try to get free water from Mc.Donalds.
5. Normal People: Call the waiter and ask him why the glass has not been filled up yet. 
So if life gives you a watermelon you just take it and happily eat it because honestly in this economy anything that’s free is a blessing and not a curse.

Hey Dost,

Is buying an iPhone a neccessity for getting laid in today’s time?
– Laksh Narang
Hey Dost,
See if you buy an iPhone then girls go ‘OMG HE IS SO RICH HE CAN AFFORD AN iPHONE I WILL DO SEX ON HIM’ but then again if you buy a Micromax she will be like ‘OMG HE IS POOR. I WILL DO PITY SEX ON HIM’.
Trust me getting laid is not about buying the phone but more about using your microsim properly. 
In case you don’t have an iPhone you can always contact Navneet Kaur as she’s got a whole bunch of watermelons lying around (that sounds very very wrong). 
 
Hey Dost,
I’m a fat girl and had a break up last year. He didn’t bother to tell a reason but he told his friends that he doesn’t want to date a poofy person anymore. I really got depressed and it made me so insecure that I can’t even take a walk by myself. What do I do?
 – Anonymous
Hey Dost,
Firstly.
What an asshole. Honestly if any guy told you that then he deserves to be slapped on his face by a watermelon.

Secondly.I don’t believe in people being fat or thin. Being a former fat person I know how sad it is when people ignore you because of your looks. I did my best and lost weight and now look at me….people still ignore me. (PS: Ugliness is genetic)
You shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself or depressed because of what one stupid jackass told you. I’m glad you’re not with him because you deserve someone better. Never settle for a guy who goes by the looks and mainly a guy who is so uneducated that he uses words like ‘Poofy’ in real life.

My advice to you? Hold your head up high and move on. Breakups are like giant dumps. You feel so much lighter and better after getting rid of all that waste. Just disregard this entire experience and flush it all away. You are who you are and you should be proud of yourself. You may be Jupiter to someone, yet to someone else you are the world (this makes no sense because Jupiter does not have people but let’s keep this as a secret between us). 
To quote a famous philosopher “I’m all about that bass bout that bass. No Treble”. 
Don’t worry. Life is like a jogging park with free lemonade at the end. Sometimes it’s best to leave people behind and continue because sooner or later someone will walk alongside with you. Just enjoy the breeze and keep walking! (Super emo? I know? I just cried and ended up watching the Notebook. I think I have ovaries now.)
If you still feel depressed I know a guy who is willing to meet women (he doesn’t own an iPhone though so that may be a slight issue).

Hey Dost,
I need your help and advice. I like this boy but he says he doesn’t like Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings. Instead, he prefers to go watch Bollywood movies and quote Yo Yo Honey Singh. How do I break his heart and not hurt his feelings at the same time?
– Alisha Attarwala
Hey Dost,
HE DOES NOT LIKE STAR WARS OR LORD OF THE RINGS? *fans self and reduces blood pressure*
 
I used to be super judgemental of people like that until i realized that everyone has different tastes although in my opinion this guy looks like a guy who will go to a Gourmet Buffet and ask them for Paan instead.
 
I feel you shouldn’t break his heart because he obviously likes certain things and if you really like him then you have to compromise or settle (if he’s super cute DO IT). What you can do is get him interested into watching Star Wars by convincing him that Honey Singh is Darth Vader. Show him edited clips that go like:
 
Luke: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Vader: Yo Yo Vader Singhaaaa….I’m your father. Aaj main hoon daddy daddy daddy daddy. Aur din bhi Sunny Sunny Sunny.
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
The same trick even works for LOTR:
Smeagol: This gold ring. Master needs it. Master looks like tiny doll.
Golem: Gold? Doll?
Smeagol: BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI. PRECIOUSSSS….BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI.
(trust me LOTR and Bollywood works much better because Sauron Zamana Haseeno Ka Deewana).
 
This is a simple trick called subliminal messaging and slowly start using it in daily conversation and he will be a Star Wars/Lotr lover in no time! Everyone loves Bollywood and that’s what makes us Indian because no matter how classy you are you can never remove Bollywood from your system. It’s integral to our existence. Just stick to this entire tactic and trust me he will be a fanboy or else you can always release these edited clips on youtube and become super famous and then answer advice columns that nobody reads. (In case you have an issue then you can always contact life at 1800 – LIFE – DEATH – WATERMELONS)

Thank you so much guys for writing in. If you have any questions or queries do let me know and I will answer it the next time!
 
Till next time!
May the Dost be with you.
Sahil

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Hey Dost (Sahil’s Almost Weekly Advice Column)

Hey dosts! I’m so sorry I was supposed to write this last week but fell super sick and didn’t get any time.

Anyways you guys asked me some questions and now it’s time for me to give some advice! SOLETTUCEBEGIN!

 

Hey Dost,

How does it feel when your ex still wants to be your friend just after your breakup because it helps you move on?

– Vivek Kate

 

Hey Dost,

It’s amazing how many people have had bad break ups and don’t know what to do about it afterwards. A majority of the population doesn’t stick to friendship after the break up but I feel that depends on the amount of time you have dated. Here’s the post breakup friendship chart to help you out:

 

1 day – 1 month = Can still go back to being friends.

1 month – 1 year = May or may not work.

1 year onwards = He/She has seenyou nangu for more than a year. There is no turning back. You can be friends but every time you meet you will always be reminded of your shared nangu memories.

 

To some extent it’s great that the ex wants to be your friend but technically if you want to move on you should take your space and then get back to being friends. It’s a tricky scenario and I feel the one reason people are afraid of breakups is because they never work out properly. Take for example Adam and Eve:

 

Adam: I want to see other people. 

Eve: There are no other people. 

Adam: Damn it.

 

Also honestly every single break up conversation is filled with all the cliched dialogues, but they’re never really honest right? 

 

So what they end up saying is:

“We need to start seeing otherpeople”

 

“It’s not you. It’s me”

 

“I just feel that we need some space. Let’s just be friends”

 

but what they actually mean is:

“We are bored of each other’s bodies.Let’s start seeing other people nangu”

 

“It’s definitely you. Seriously? Do you think it’s me? Bitch pliss I’m perfect. Maybe it’s me..maybe it’s Maybelline”

 

“Friends? AHHAHAHAH we are never going to be that. One of us is going to spend the rest of our life moping and imagining alternative realities where we’re married and have children that look like David Beckham. I’m definitely not going to just be your friend, I’m going to follow you everywhere, going to stalk you till you die and when you die I’ll send a friend request to Yamraaj so I can see which afterlifephotos he is tagging you in. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE APART”

 

So it’s up to you whether you can keep the friendship or whether you will turn into an emotional drunkard who listens to Arijit Singh songs and cries everytime you see your own reflection. I’d say after a break up take some time off for yourself. Treat yourself. Love yourself. THEN UNFRIEND THAT PERSON FROM FACEBOOK. HOW DARE YOU MOVE ON SO QUICKLY HUH? I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE? I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE WITH A TOMATO…..excuse me. I got carried away.

 

Hey Dost,

What if I find a certain Sahil Shah hot? 

-Vanshika Fotedar

 

Hey Dost,

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH LOLPAPADYOU NEED HIGHER STANDARDS.

but if you’re still settling for anything then I know a guy called Vivek Kate(he loves being friends before and after. Plus together you can spend some Kate-Meethe Pal….hahaha I am comedy)

 

Hey Dost,

How do I make a girl who suddenly hates me regret it? Also, why are there no single girls on Tinder?

-Vedha Vinjarmuri

 

Hey Dost,

Let’s divide your wonderful questions into two parts first.

 

a.Firstly I just want to know how has the girl suddenly started hating you? There’s no such thing as sudden hate. You will never meet someone who you just see and then want to slap for no rhyme or reason (unless that someone is KRK then I can understand). 

 

However to some extent I know where you’re coming from because women are as unpredictable as British weather (one moment you’re discussing how nice it is, the other moment you’re being showered upon because it hates your judgement). Women can hate you or love you based on their mood and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

 

Infact you can’t even make a woman regret anything. Once she has made a decision it is final, which is what makes women possess superior shopping skills. They go in with a mindset of buying the one thing they won’t hate and the one thing other women will regret not buying. The same applies for men too; they see men as purses that can be used, stuffed to the brim with emotions and stories about how their day went and then thrown away when they find a better deal. 

 

My advice to you?

If a woman sees you as a purse, you behave like a clutch. Show here that you’re the one with the money and she will make sure that you are top priority for her. (Most of this analogy will not make sense to you but any woman reading this will smile and then go back to filling their man purses with stories about their day)

 

b.Secondly I have mentioned this before also and I want to say it again. Tinder is the worst place for finding women. It’s currently filled with teenagers who believe they will find love and friendship (LOLCHEESETOAST). What they don’t know is that it’s also filled with a bunch of sleazy men who spend their days swiping right to every single profile in the hope they will get one match. Plus most of the single girls are wary of men online (ask any girl about her ‘Other folder’. I believe a girls hotness is proportional to the number of messages she has in her other folder’). Trust me as a single girl the last thing you wantis to have conversations like:

 

Guy1: Hey butiful. Nyc eyes and nyc drass. U lukin fyn. Want to mit for sex?

Guy2: Hello. I am intellectual guy who has come to this website just to make newfriends. I have just moved to the city and have no friends so I was told to goto Facebook and message random women because apparently this tactic works inconning stupid women who think I’m here to make new friends. Later on sex youwill do?

Guy3: Hi. I just came across your profile while I was randomly searching for women and I have to say. You are pretty. You want to sex?

Guy4: I’m a Nigerian prince and I want to transfer money to your account. 

Guy5: Hi. Sex? Dega to legi?

 

In other words there is no way you’re going meet a single girl on Tinder or a woman who doesn’t suddenly hate you. The best way to make a woman regret anything is by making her jealous. Find a woman who loves you and that will counteract the hate (yin and yang/ Abbas and Mustan). 

 

If this still doesn’t work then stop going to Tinder and meet Vanshita Fotedar (If she finds me hot then she would be attracted to you, even if you were literally a purse with legs and chest hair)

 

That’s all the advice I have for this week. Thank you so much for writing in and again if you have any relationship issues or need advice on anything in life (screw the colour of the dress cos it’s shit anyways) then do let me know.

 

Till next time!

May the dost be with you!

Sahil.

07sld1

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Hey Dost! (Sahil’s Weekly Advice Column)

Hello Dosts!
A week ago on my fan page I asked people to ask me for advice and a lot of people asked some interesting questions. So here we go…irrelevant advice from me that will change your life.

Lettuce begin.

Hey Dost,
Every time I get into a relationship I get dumped,last year I got dumped for 6 times,the thing is that those girls used to like me before the relationship started. Is there something wrong with me or I am way too good to handle?
– Vishal Sharma
Hey Dost,
Six times? Dude that is so cool! The last time I was in a relationship my imaginary girlfriend left me for my imaginary best friend. All the other imaginary girls I know are way out of my league. So well done on getting someone real! (I hope they are!). What I don’t know is if you are getting dumped 6 times by the same person or if it’s different women (if that’s the case then hai faive). In all honesty I think there is nothing wrong with you, maybe they like you before the relationship and afterwards they fall in love with you and cannot handle your beyond amazing personality that is so flawless people become paralysed when they see you. (WHY DID YOU MEET STEPHEN HAWKING VISHAL? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SEDUCE HIM?)
Maybe you should tone it down. Instead of being the most amazing sun stealing person on the planet maybe you should just be a normal dude that has no expectations attached. So the next time you feel like gifting her something, gift her a napkin. Make her guess what’s wrong with you and make sure she believes that she is the one to cure you or you could just figure out what you’re doing wrong and make changes to yourself. Trust me women handle men better when they learn to handle themselves (also works with masturbation). Let’s hope that the seventh girl doesn’t stop liking you! Good luck buddy…Sharma mat!
Hey Dost,
What must a man do in order to get a threesome?
– Alimohammed Chinwala
Hey Dost,
“I have a dream. A dream that one day I will sleep with two women without any conflict” – Martin Luther King Junior one night after having 3 long island ice teas.
A threesome is every guys’ dream and ultimate fantasy. Ever since the dawn of mankind Adam kept on wondering if Eve would be interested in a threesome but she always refused because she wasn’t into snakes. A threesome is the ultimate victory like climbing Everest or successfully being the only one who knows all the Devang Patel songs by heart. Trust me women are smart creatures and the only way to get what you want is to use a trick known as subliminal messaging.
So the next time you talk to her say –
She: Hey.
You: Hey. Wass’Iwantathreesome’up
She: Did you say something?
You: No. I was just saying you look so beautiful that I want to ‘haveathreesome’ give you flowers.
She: Did you…just?
You: *coughs* Sorry ‘Iwantathreesome’ *coughs*
She: *suddenly* I was thinking next week let’s have a threesome?
You: WOO *jump up and hi five Vishal who is up there cos he’s so awesome and too good to handle for people on Earth’
If this doesn’t work then just stick to dreaming or explore the dark side and pay the right people. Or better yet just be happy with you have. Trust me a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush unless you can convince the two birds to come to your bush….I digress.
Just pray daily and hope for the best, it will happen soon!
Hey Dost,
How do I motivate myself to not eat all that yummy junk food and go to the gym and do the ‘exercise’? And also what do I do with all the tinder guys I’ve given my <a>no.to?</a>
– Shweta Ghag
Hey Dost,
Motivation is something that comes from inside and cannot be taught. It’s not possible to ignore junk food. It’s too yummy and it’s been created just so that God can screw around with us. I can guarantee you somewhere in Heaven he is chuckling to himself and eating Cheetos  (while Jesus plays with his Tazo colelction). What you can do is control by setting some life goals. Set a goal that one day you want to be so fit and hot that forget the guys on Tinder, you want Alimohammed Chinwala to come and ask you to join him for a threesome.
I think that’s enough motivation to make you get up and get that body guuuurl. Exercise is essential to life and is need to keep us fit, it may be boring at first but you must commit to it.
As for the Tinder guys. STAAAAY AWAY. Tinder is a horrible place filled with sleazy men ( I’m on Tinder) who try their best to hit on you and when you give them your number you are doing a cardinal sin (SIN-DER). They will call you. They will find you and they will take you….to meet their mothers for marriage. This is Indian tinder and men only want to hook up which is short form for ‘I will look at you and not talk to you because I don’t have the confidence or the body. Damn I wish you were a girl who ate junk food and did not exercise’.  So basically if anyone from Tinder calls, just swipe left, eat a bag of Cheetos and hit the gym.
Hey Dost,
I am thinking of proposing a girl, can you help me out Sahil ???
– Raj Lalwani.
Hey Dost,
You mean you want to propose ’to’ a girl? Proposing a girl sounds like you’re married and you want to propose to your wife to get a girl child. (That’s good. This country needs more women). As for asking women out from all my extensive experience (of nothing) I’m just going to say one thing ‘Just be yourself’. Don’t overthink it. If you want to ask someone out just go for it.
Here’s a foolproof plan though:
1. Go to a bar.
2. Meet a girl. Say ‘Hey can you come outside for a second?’
3. She follows you outside.
4. As soon as she is out scream ‘HAHA I ASKED YOU OUT AND YOU SAID YES. YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND. KEHDO NA KEDHO NA YOU ARE MY SONIA!’
5. Get slapped and walk away. Try again on someone else.
OR
1. Use Tinder and meet Shweta Ghag. She loves junk food (just saying!)
That’s all from my side guys! Thank you so much for writing in. This is going to be a weekly column, so if you need advice on any topic (love, life, eloping with your nepali watchman etc) then write it in the comment section and I will answer it the next time.
Till next week! Good luck and fair biddings (unless you’re South Indian)
May the dost be with you,
Sahil.

I knew a Mummy who loved Aashiqui 2. He would always say Bas Tomb Hi Ho.

I knew a Mummy who loved Aashiqui 2. He would always say Bas Tomb Hi Ho.

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Valentine’s Day Sucks

Valentine’s day is here! I hate it so much! YAAAAY LOVE SUCKS!

Suddenly every couple wants to share their love while FB pages and whatsapp groups are spammed with unnecessary and grammatically incorrect love posts (u wil alweyz be min fureva aka I love you because you don’t know English).  You can’t step out of your house because you will be spammed by an onslaught of heart balloons, heart chocolates and even pigeons that shit in heart shapes.

V-Day (sounds so wrong) is just a shitty day created by greeting card companies so that they could profit off stupidity. Somewhere in a jungle a tree is crying because his father was killed to become a greeting card. All the other trees are making fun of him going ‘Mera baap sofa ban gaya…haha iska baap chutiya nikla” This day is horrible for single people. I’ve been single for so long that my cupid has filed for unemployment. Let me just clarify, I’m not desperate for a relationship nor do I have feelings of loneliness where I listen to Air Supply songs and cry while caressing a pillow. I’m just a guy who tried and ended up being cynical (even my right hand has started faking headaches)

As a Die Hard romantic fanatic (Who doesn’t love Detective John McClane?), I completely don’t believe in this concept of love. So I went online looking for some romantic quotes to motivate me and all that they did was just infuriate me further. I’m about to decode them and try to tell you how wrong and unromantic they are.

“Love is like friendship on fire”

I have never been in love nor have I ever had the chance to set my friends on fire so I never quite understand what these people are referring to. I’m waiting for the day I meet the perfect girl and speak to her like this:

Me: “Hey you want to be more than friends?”

She: “Sure what do you have in mind”

Me: *pours kerosene over her and then laughs as she burns* “I love you”

This is clearly the most sadistic love quote that I have ever read. Is this what love actually is? You think Sati was not the act of women burning themselves but just girls who wanted to take their relationship to the next level? Honestly this is the only time where it’s valid to call a girl hot and claim that she is your burning desire. Guys you should totally have sex with a girl who has STD’s cos if love is friendship on fire then gonorrhea is making love on fire!

“Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness”

Nope. As a guy I can tell you that the only key than can open a woman’s gate of happiness is a you know….this really small key . All men are like amateur security guards. We possess the keys but when it comes to unlocking the gates we end up fumbling and complaining because we can’t find the right keyhole.

Guys, the best way to reach any gate of any woman is to have the master key. All men know what it is, something that we all will give to a woman somewhere down the line. The larger it is the better they like it. The rougher it is the better they like it. Some of them love wrapping their fingers around it… You know… A diamond. Sheesh guys! Don’t tell me you thought I was talking about something else!

PENIS (had to yell that out)

“Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile”

Who is dreaming of smile? Don’t you have better things to dream about? The only person who I can think of who dreams of my smile is that creepy dentist from the Colgate commercials who randomly meets you in the lift with a scanner and then proceeds to probe you anally.

Listen ladies. We are men. We dream. Yes we do but we dream of…well…you know…smiles are on our faces because we are dreaming of other things. We dream of your large eyes, the ones that are not up there. We dream about your cheeks the ones that are round and perfect. We dream of your lips…around our…*coughs*… let’s just put it this way… our dreams lead to us finding our keys first thing in the morning.

“I want to be the reason why you fell asleep with your phone in your hand”
Aww. I feel bad for you. She did fall asleep, but it wasn’t because of you, it was Flappy Bird.

“I did three things today. Miss you. Miss you and miss you”
Don’t you have a job? Do something with your life. Don’t be so unambitious. This is a really trashy resume to hand over to a company:

Boss: Ok where have you worked before?

Him: I miss people.

Boss: Any experience?

Him: I miss people.

Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years? Please say something different.                              

Him: I see myself working hard for this company.

Boss: Wonderful!

Him: I will still miss people.

Dude, if you you miss someone, call them or meet them. Putting up this status is the laziest way to tell people you like them. Also guys don’t miss people, we have a lot more important things to do all day. Ask any guy what are the three things he did the whole day and he will only smile and say nothing. (Nothing = Fap + Fap + Fap).

“Don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened”

This is the only quote that I completely agree with. This is in fact the same advice that I give myself every morning after I’ve had a rough dump. I knew I should not have eaten so much Chinese last night because I ended up being a bum dragon and it burned so much. I did not cry. I smiled because it happened.

That’s when I realized. Love is exactly like a dump. It’s a tough process. Sometimes it’s hurts and sometimes it’s smooth but it always feels good when it’s over. You feel so relaxed because there is nothing holding you down, as you are a free and independent soul. As soon as you’re done it’s so easy to just flush it all away. Let it go, only if it loves you will it come back.

There you go. That’s my perspective on romance. I’m sure a lot of women(make that all) will disagree with what I just said. Also on a side note I think I’m going to be single for life. However, I really don’t care because I’ve found my calling in life; I’m going to spend the rest of my life campaigning for trees whose fathers have become cards. In case you are a single girl and you miss me, miss me and miss me, I’ll be in your dreams smiling and taking a dump, which I’ll soon set on fire.

AR Rehman once challenged my heart to say the word after Sa. I said “Dil Say Re”

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I HATE BIRTHDAYS

It was my birthday two weeks ago. I’m going to stop you before you foolishly scream out ‘Happy Birthday’ at your screen. Let me just put it out there, I detest birthdays and more than birthdays I detest other people around my birthday.

It’s that day when suddenly everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my ‘Special Day’. Every single person calls up and has the exact same conversation:

 “HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

“Thanks man”

“SO WHAT PLANS?”

“Nothing”

“HOW COME NOTHING. BRO. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. BRO. GO OUT. CELEBRATE. I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY. I WILL GO AND HAVE COCAINE WITH THE BITCHES BRO. BIRTHDAY BRO. POLICE CATCH YOU AND YOU SAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THEN YOU TAKE THEIR GUN AND SHOOT THEM BRO COME ON BE EXCITED MAN. IT”S YOUR DAY MAN. AAAAGH PARTY BROOOOOO. FUCKING PARTY AND LOSE YOUR TITTIES BRO”

“Thanks Dad. I need to go. I’ll call you right back. ”

Suddenly everyone becomes your best friend, they will want to know about your life, family, parents, relationship, job. Everything should be discussed in that one-30 second conversation. That’s all. That’s the friendship window. You miss out on that…you’re not a friend anymore.

It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, whatsapp forwards that have nothing to do with your birthday and then come the worst things ever….FACEBOOK POSTS.

So I’m going to give you a quick guide on the birthday posts that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:

1. “Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day”

That’s such a sweet, heart warming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking your time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realize that it’s my birthday. I also thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving you of all social courtesy.

Appropriate reply: K

2. “HBD”

Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Even Happy B’day would have been good enough. Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja’s Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don’t wish, I’ll understand and thank you for that.

Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.

3.“HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST”

I never quite understood why people feel it’s important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaida but apart from that it means nothing. I’m not that violent an individual that I’ll call people over and play a game of ‘Exploding Cylinders Run Run!’. In fact it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, ‘Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side it’s Sahil’s birthday so the government has pardoned him’. Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT I know I’ll never have a blast.

Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.

4. “WHEN’S THE PARTY BRO?”

You have not spoken to me in years but you expect me to call you for my party? We don’t even know each other but on the basis of our facebook friendship (which is an occasional like on my status) you expect me to treat you? I’m definitely not having a party and even if I do you are not going to be invited. BTW I see your birthday is coming up in a month. When’s the party bro?

Appropriate Response: When I’m done with your mom.

5.“HAVE A SICK ONE”

This is a wish that I will never understand. Are you trying to wish me or curse me? Wishing me this is as good as sending me a letter with anthrax on it. You might as well come to my party and then cough all over my cake and then wipe your nose with potato chips and give it to me to eat. The last thing I want is people crowding around me in a hospital room screaming ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ while the nurse administers my flu vaccine. 

Appropriate Response: Tell my mother I love her….*coughs*…….*dies*

I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I would like to thank each and every one of you for wishing me and making me feel special. I just felt that I needed to let you guys know what goes through everyone’s mind when you wish them.

In case you feel like wishing me next year just remember that I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. I’ll mostly be having a sick one because I went to a party where people yelled ‘HBD’ and played games of ‘Exploding Cylinder Run Run!’.

Thank you!

 

I once knew two dead birds. Woh Bird The.

!

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