Monthly Archives: March 2011

Your days are Numbered

It is said that there exists a parallel universe in which multiple earths exist. This story starts on Earth 2.5673, a planet which was literally part of the after-Math of the Big Bang Theory.. This is no ordinary planet, its one which is governed by a tribe made solely out of numerals. A race whose king has his legacy from Roman Numerals. A race that would wait in line for their daily rations, which consisted of digits and decimals. Many of the scholars of this land were in their Prime, while the poor survived in fractions.. Like all societies, this planet too possessed positive and negative numbers. Numbers which hang around in tens, hundreds or even thousands.The population literally abounded in numbers.The probability of a planet like this beats statistics, but it cannot be ruled out due to lack of logic

 

Cal belonged to the 9 number clan, and would wait everyday in a long line for his daily rations, yet secretly he desired his most favorite dish, Pi. Cal was a male, and his girlfriend Zone was a female who would love wearing Alge-bras.

It was a sunny monday morning, when an electronic giant released their new range of machines that would make counting and working with numbers easier. It was a modern day electronic version of the ancient abacus. Cal was one of the first few numbers to rush for this gadget, but like the rations here too was a long line. His friend John ran up to him and told him that he could use his abacus instead, but Cal refused to leave the line until he knew what this new gadget was known as.

 

The next few words which John uttered changed history, for not only were they an order but they were an approximate guess of what the gadget was called.

 

John said : “Cal- queue- later!”

Calculators soon invaded Earth and repopulated. This is my friend Prof. Calculus.

 

 

 

 

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Candied Conversations

There exists this game known as Candyland. I had an experience akin to Jumanji while playing this game. I got a triple snake eyes combination and a small pink cotton candy filled ball appeared on the board. I attemped to grab the ball in a hunger driven frenzied attempt.

Unfortunately this ball was a portal to another world, the world of candy. I got sucked in and was treated like a slave by 2 toffees, until I joined a gang of Sours and decided to fight back. I would not want to go into the details of my exploits but I somehow broke through the peppermint barrier, climbed up the candy cane steps and was about to reach the portal when I was attacked by a Mentos. I fell to the ground and crushed my feet along with my ambitions of freedom.

I am still living in this world. I need to get out and I need somebody to save me. I had sent a message using crosses and nuts explaining my situation, but apparently nobody understood and now my message is considered as a game.

What was in this message?

Well I was just describing the condition of my feet, as they were replaced with mints, and unfortunately my sad tale became a popular game.

What happened to me?

 

Tic Tac Toes!

 

PS: I know own a ranch of lollipops in the far east of Candyland. They call me the Jolly Rancher! Please Save Me.

My wife too has the same condition. Rescue me and you get her as a reward!

 

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One Liners

Q. Which horror movie will a cow watch?

A. A Dairy Movie.

 

Q. What do you call a magical ship?

A. A ferry.

 

Q.What did the liver require to communicate with other body organs?

A. Mo-Bile.

 

Q. How do boobs know about current situations?

A. They keep A-Breast.

 

Q. Did you hear about the african man who had his legs amputated and had his knee replaced using stem cells?

A. Yeah it was called a Knee-Grow.

 

Q. Whats the similarity between the above joke and an atheltics meet?

A. They both are Race-ist. (this was horrible!)

 

Q. Did you hear about the About brothers?

A. Yeah, they had A-bout.

 

I ROFL'd so hard I became retarded.

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Senti Stuff

 

This story takes place in a far away jungle. A jungle that sits quietly in the edge of the city. Where the monkeys read their papers daily while sipping tea made by Tarzan. There lived three arthropods (insects). Happy, Jolly and Senti. The first two were as their names suggested highly excited with life. The latter on the other hand would remain excited, but still over react to certain situations with tears. There was this one incident where Happy got a card from his close friend, and Senti began to weep and marvel at the joys of friendship, hence the justification of his name.

One day they were all attempting to kill some prey for lunch when they were confronted by Ghoala, the most largest and dangerous snake to ever slither on the jungle land. He hissed maliciously at them and threatened to kill them. While Happy and Jolly who were two legged insects ran for their life, Senti the only 100 legged insect stood there shivering.

What did he do next?

Senti-Peed.

Dolly Bindra and Senti's offspring as shown above.

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Chini Kum

China is a mysterious land. A land of history, magic and wonder. I had once visited China for a student exchange programme and my room mate was Ninja called Ling. Everytime we saw her phone we would scream Call Ling, Call Ling. She soon got tired of these incessant chants and decided to murder us one by one. Soon only me and my friend Johnson remained. We locked ourselves in our room and looked everywhere incase she randomly popped up and killed us with her ninja shirukens. Suddenly in the middle of an interesting conversation on megaphones, Johnson looked up and shivered. I asked him what happened…Whats Up?

He replied…

See-Ling.

chairman mao laugh at joke. nobody crack joke like this. also no more upper case letters in dictionary. death to capitalism.

 

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Bloody Hell

 

Once a man went to the hospital for a regular blood test. He also co-incidentally wanted to check for any STD’s. After waiting for an excruciating amount of time and eating almost 3 Femina’s because he was an ardent Readers Digest supporter, the doctor came out with a sullen expression on his face.

“What happened Doctor?” he asked.

“Well we got back your test results. We know your blood group it B positive and you tested positive for Aids”. said the doctor.

“Oh no, how can this be true?”

The doctor tried to look apologetic but he actually did not care, for he had not caused the disease. All of a sudden the nurse came running down the hallway, she ran up to the doctor and whispered something in his ear. His lips arched into a smile. He looked confidently at the patient standing in front of him and said, ” I am sorry but we seem to have made a mistake”

The patient gave a nervous smile, expecting some good news.

“We accidently pressed the letter B while writing your blood group. Its quite ironic, the mistake we committed is your true blood group” said the doctor quite seriously, while his eyes went up and down the patients face.

“What do you mean doctor?”

“Well Sir, it is a TYPE-O”, said the doctor bursting out laughing. He was joined by the nurse and the patient who burst into an in the moment laugh.

“But you still have aids”.

– FIN

That joke clearly was the worst thing that ever happened since my birth.

 

 

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Salt and Paper

A long time ago one Indian man decided to change the way Indians had breakfast. In his mysterious lab, mixing old school principals of science and an unique formula known as chemical X, he created something as unique as the powerpuff girls.

He created a living organism out of a cup of tea. This was not your ordinary creature of science, It was a cup of tea which when spilled would reveal the true creature who would sit in a pile and just give people who pass by the evil glare. One day it grew too evil and decided to murder a cow, thats because he was afraid people would mistake him for tea and proceed to consume him. Cows on the other hand, gave him much more nutrition in the form of milk, which he used to grow bigger and bigger. Soon he was a towering lump of brown mix, which lumbered over the towns and started attacking everything in his path, humans included (they tasted good with two cups of sugar). Tired of trying to fight back, the residents of the town pleaded with the scientist to create a female version of this supposedly male tea to appease him. Rather than doing that the scientist came out with a special brand of paper which he had been working on.

This paper was different, it would not absorb the tea but its uniqueness lay in the fact that it had artificial intelligence and this intelligence was based on a grumpy old man who died fighting two newspaper pages stuck to each other.

This highly disgruntled paper was sent to eliminate the tea, instead it ran to the giant lump and yelled at him for misbehaving and how the youth should understand responsibility. Taken aback by all the violence, the tea gave out a tear. This was the exact moment, when the piece of paper got rid of the lump of tea, by brutally smashing his emotions screaming “Shoo. Get lost..Shoo”.

The lump of tea shrunk into a corner, and left the town.

Now many listening to me would call this a tall tale, a simple yarn, something that I have just fabricated to waste your time, but it is a true story. The paper died soon after, but his offspring still continues to serve us, although they are used in menial labour like assisting the humans in removing unwanted waste. Still not finding the point of my story?

Fine, I will now reveal my identity. I am the scientist who created the tea, the paper, and this trash story. The paper was one of my best inventions and it worked in scaring the tea away. Hence, I called it and its family…

Tea-Shoo Paper!

One of the papers offsprings became America's first Black and Paper President.

 

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