Monthly Archives: July 2011

A Coffee-ing Problem

My friend is a superhero. He does not have any major super powers other than the minute ability to turn himself into a pool of coffee every time he senses danger. He does not fight crime also, but his strong smell arouses every villains senses and that persuades them to feel fresh and energetic. The villains then pursue their hobbies with vigour and become successful men.

Villains do not know how to overpower him and he is too strong for their tastes. Unforutnaly every dog has its “we put him down to sleep” day. One night while he was returning back from a club he sensed a sudden rush of danger. Instantly he turned into a brown gooey pile of coffee and laid still on the road. Unforutnately for him he got stabbed 3 times and lost his wallet as well as his cellphone.

What happened to him? How did he let his guard down?


He was Mug-ged.

Somebody stop that retarded man. He has something to do with this story.


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My Band Aid

I have always wanted to be in a band. Have all the glamour, play all the songs, receive massive adulation and obviously all the women. So I decided to form a band of my own. Auditions were held and I called every single friend of mine to come and showcase his talent.

We soon got a bass player, a guitarist, a piano player and a lead singer. We just needed a drummer to give our band that extra edge. After countless auditions and jam sessions we realized that our dream of joining a band is going to just be left broken and floating around. We would never get a drummer. That is when my friend introduced me to the joys of vegetables.

As unbelievable as this story sounds we got ourself a vegetable from the market and put it behind the drum set. Before we knew it, it was churning out music like a mad person. What term could we give to this magical music conjuring vegetable?

We thought hard and we got a name.

Well it was a beetroot.

Playing the drum.

So we called it a Drum-Beet.

This story was so bad that it put me in a Vegetative state (pun intended). I now only pose for photos on beaches.

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Musical Tastes

They say all musicians are born with a silver ipod in their mouths. I was born with a Zune. This story actually revolves around my friend Gibson. Gibson loved to play the guitar. Everything worked out for him in his life except his teeth, Gibson had loose teeth that could fall out any moment. Now although teeth are attached by Gums and Paste he seemed to have major issues.

One night while Gibson was strumming through his guitar and biting into a nice tasty burger, he felt a painful strobe in his jaw. His tooth had dislodged completely. Staring at that round tooth with a pointy edge he got an idea. He used the tooth to clean out all the extra food particles dislodged within his teeth. Not only that he later proceeded to play his guitar with his tooth and realised that music was created much faster this way.

He called this instantaneous creation of a Guitar Strumming Tooth a…

Tooth – Pick.

I laughed so hard I spat out all my teeth. Now I feed on sunlight.


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Phallus In Under-land

I am very very very sorry about this. This is one of my bad works and i have come across a Dry-Patch(hahahha) but ok here we go. This is a wonderfull story about Phallus who ironically is a girl!!!

Phallus Kingsley, 19, attends a nude party at the Playboy estate shortly after the death of her beloved father. She learns that this party is actually an engagement party to eventually wed her into the Asscot group of porn, who now own her father’s immense porn collection. Unsure of how to properly reply to Master Asscot’s proposal, Phallus escapes out of her underwear surroundings, runs away and follows the long trace of White Hares, she then enters a hole leading to the famous yet rarely explored Under-Land , a bizarre world she previously visited as a child, although she has no memory of it as at that she did not physically leave any traces behind that she had arrived.(hahahahah she arrived!!!)
It is explained throughout the course of her strenuous journey inside and outside that the, Red Queen( red due to obvious reasons…i shall not say much but lets say she was having the time of her month, cycling away to land far away. Period ), protected Under-land by expelling her sister White Queen (Previous encounters with different fake Phallus’s who were not the real destined ones had left her pale and overtly fair, also the gifts they left behind helped maintain her marvelous complexion) . Since Phallus was the first one to enter with protection…she was given the task of destroying the Red Queens guardian the Jabber-Cocky.However, a misunderstanding of words from Upspermin the slow swimming gamete, makes everyone believe that Phallus is the wrong one. The forces of the Red Queen attack and capture her friends and Tweedle-Pee and Tweedle-Bum, whilst she escapes. The Staff of Hearts, informs the Red Queen of Phallus’s return; the Red Queen orders Phalus’s capture.


Alice is found by Yessir, a grinning pussy, who leads her to The scantily-Clad Latter, Black hare and Mallu-kum the whore mouse. As the Staff searches for Phallus, The Latter flees toward the White Queen’s castle with a shrunken Phallus(hahahhahaha it was pretty cold that night), but he is caught, leaving Phallus and a STD booth behind (a one call disease centre). A bloodhound, who was forced to work for the Red Queen due to his imprisoned family, aids Phallus in sneaking into the Red Queen’s castle to rescue The Latter. The Hare, who was now a tattoo on the Red Queen, first offers Phallus some blue pills which makes her grow to a large size, but she fools the Red Queen into believing she is “Bum from Bumbridge”, and The Latter is made the Red Queen’s official clothes remover (he got his training from B grade movies like Tambu mien bamboo and khooni dayan kA aakhri kappa). Phallus that there is a mysterious Nirodh sword, which is hidden in the den of a big Snatch, whose Jee-spot was removed by Mallukum earlier. The spot is restored by Phallus, making the Snatch super excited and she leaves the castle riding on a magical wave of liquid.Yessir saves the others from being cut off and they lead all the enslaved Under-Land creatures to flee the traps of the Red Queen.Phallus gives the Nirodh to the white queen who changes her colour when she sees it, Phallus is still doubtful whether she can cut the Jabber-Cocky and what if he jabs her from behind.
Upspermin while entering into a old abandoned Moods condom,reminds Phallus of her past visit to Under-land and gives her the strength and virility to stand upright and last long enough to to fight the Jabbercocky.The forces of the White and Red Queens converge on a battlefield to decide the fate of Under-land.The Red Queen comes with Red blotches, while the white Queen comes with many different Chest Pieces. Phallus fights the Jabbercocky and cuts him, while the Red Queen’s forces side with the White Queen, who regains her crown and amidst massive moaning and screams from the rest she banishes her sister to the outlands forever. She knew the decision was harsh, but did not care as it was anyways a bit premature! Happy by the outcum(lol) the scantily clad latter ends up doing a wierd dance which resembles a heaving seizure, called the FuckerWanker. Phallus returns home by immersing herself in the infected blood of the Jabbercocky. She then refuses the Asscot’s proposal and becomes an apprentice for some other random indian porn house with the idea of enlarging her viewership by including cheap chinese women in her videos.The film ends with Phallus floating a boat, with Upspermin who is now a stain, just landing with a plotch on her shoulder as she laps him up with glory.She blows him away to no glory. What a Job!


Phallus is seen here with a souvenir of her adventures. The Pen-is always mightier than the sword.


Filed under Movie Parodies


Altaf moves from slummy Dharavi to rainy South Mumbai to work with chotta fuckeel. Altaf attracts much attention at all the gang meetings he quickly gets into fights involving his banyan being torn and him screaming teri ma ki occasionally.

One day at a sleazy carrom table when Altaf is seated nexted to Edward Culinary, he seems as if he is about to vomit.
Edward disappears for a few minutes, but comes back with his kurta stained….red Altaf says Bhai surf excel hain na and they both become chuddi buddies.
Their newfound relationship reaches a climax when Altaf is nearly run over by a Salman Khans van when he is sleeping on the streets. Seemingly defying the laws of physics, Edward saves his life when he instantaneously appears next to him and stops the van by simply burping. Altaf is desperate to find out who Edward actually is, and Why the Fuck is he a bhai? I mean come on Edward Bhai? Kuch to locha hain?
After attacking a family friend,Jaswant Kala by beating him with a hockey stick,into telling him local gang legends, Altaf concludes that Edward and his family are Culinary Vampires who eat pav bhaji on the road instead of drinking blood.Anyways blood and butter dont make a good combination. Edward confesses that he initially avoided Altaf because the scent of his body odour was so desirable to him. Over time, Edward and Altaf fall in love. They go to Haji Ali every night to feast on Pav Bhaji,
Their relationship is thrown into chaos when another vampire jingbang sweeps into Mumbai. Ajay Devgan, a slacker vampire who is intrigued by Culinaries relationship with a human, wants to hunt Altaf for sport. The Culinaries attempt to distract the slacker by taking him on a Mumbai Darshan,and as Altaf runs out of ammo he is sent to a khopchi in Lokhandwala, There, he receives a phone call from Ajay Devgan, who claims he is holding his mother captive, and since he wasnt a active part of Shootout at Lokhandwala he is going to conduct his own shootout here. When Altaf surrenders himself, Ajay attacks him, but Edward, along with the other Culinaries, rescue Altaf and in a massive gun fight in slow motion which was inspired from Kaminey, Ajay Devgan is murdered by telling him how unsucessful Raju Chacha was. Once they realize that Ajay had eaten MDH Pav Bhaji Masala and bitten Altaf, Edward realises that its too precious to go to waste in that faggots body, so he sucks it all out and spits it on the fresh pav bhaji his mom just made.
Altaf expresses his desire to become a vampire, Edward refuses and as the culinaries fly away into the darkness leaving a tear broken Altaf he screams out the last few words his heart wanted to tell to Edward. “Boss you forgot your extra pav!”

He guys if you like this please buy BHAI-LIGHT from all the leading raddiwalas and w8 for the sequal New Goon and Hair Clips to come.
Thanking yous,
Sahil Shah


The Culinaries were not a very Sparkly and Sexy Bunch. They were however good at fashion.


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The Many Types of Jokes

santa ate chicken nuggets last night- non-veg joke
santa fell in mud while playing kho kho- dirty joke
santa does not have any money – poor joke
santa is depressed as his wife died – sad joke
santa fell of a train and is now handicapped-lame joke
santa is growing white hair and is wrinkling- old joke


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