Monthly Archives: November 2012

The types of women you see on Facebook

As a single guy I have a lot of time to spend online especially on Facebook. It is a magical site where you can spy on everyone’s life and make sure you know every aspect of him or her.

Sometimes I imagine that I will find the perfect girl online and we will have a perfect relationship and fall in perfect love. However every single time I log onto Facebook, I see the same bunch of women who make my perfect dream disappear. As a gift to my fellow single men, I present to you a guide on the types of women you will encounter on Facebook.

The Disney

This woman will have absolutely no photos of herself. All her photos will be of Disney princesses or random actors. She may put up an Edward Cullen photo and you realize that she is the spawn of Satan. There will be no photos of her. Most of her albums consist of photos of friends or random photos in which 45 million people have been tagged. You will never see her face. If you chat up with her she will speak with you but behind this shrouded veil that other humans refer to as a photo of Selena Gomez. You really wish she puts up more photos so you can catch a glimpse of her but it seems like her face does not exist at all. No matter how hard you try you will never ever see how she looks in real life, but the mere fact that she likes Selena Gomez gives you enough reason to at least purchase a few Cyanide capsules before you meet her.

The Hipster

The Hipster will only use Instagram and put up random photos of dead animals or quotes from authors who you’re pretty sure don’t exist. She will reblog posts and share images that are as abstract and fake as her.

Most of her photos will have her roaming around in random nature based surroundings. Every photo will have been methodically edited and will also come along with an accompanying lyric tag from a band nobody has ever heard of it. In fact most of the times the band will be formed after the lyrics have been read. She will post quotes and philosophy. Kafka, Nietzsche, Freud, she knows them all but the moment you ask her about common things like Hindi music or terrible movies, she will change the subject to more ‘intellectual things’.

The Hot One

OMG. She is so hot. There is no way she will ever be with you. Never. She is way out of your league. She makes your league look like the Sri Lankan Premier League. There is only one thing that you can do… Right Click and Save Image for later use.

The Pretty One

The pretty one will have some of the most beautiful profile photos. Photos that make you stare and fall in love. Everything is perfect except her grammar. Every photo has a terribly spelled caption which ends in a heart (<3) . Half of the times she manages to spell that wrong also.

She will spell great as gr8 and nice as nyc. She will refuse to spell any word correctly or even show some inclination to read the dictionary. Even a decomposing pigeon will type out a better sentence then her. Now you have to make a decision. Does your penis like her or does your brain like her?

The Hogger

The Hogger will take as many photos as she can to prove to the world that she exists. She will take 45 million photos in 1 second and upload them all simultaneously. She will constantly update her Facebook status telling people about how she is eating food and how she is crapping it minutes later. She will then takes photos of her posing near her poop and upload them to an album called ‘Summer Poop :P’. She will post every 10 seconds on your wall making you believe that she has no friends or family. As much as you ignore her, you cannot ignore her digital presence. She will like your every photo and share your ever post. She will be the sole reason for deactivating your profile.

The Limited Recluse

She will never come online. She will have only 3 photos that have been uploaded, out of which 2 have been put up by her friends and one by an application that she accidently accessed. She will not post on your wall or reply to any posts. She will not update her status. She will have somewhat of a limited profile and refuse to be friends with anyone. Technically speaking her profile is in a vegetative state. Sooner or later, the good folks at Facebook will euthanize it.

The Ugly One

She is ugly as hell. Heck even Hell is prettier and hotter than her. Yet she is always hanging around pretty women and hence you have her as a friend with the secret hope in mind that one day when you comment, one of her pretty friends will find you humorous and add you as a friend.

The Perfect One

The perfect one will be the one you desire. She will be pretty, smart and highly friendly. She will talk to you whenever you want. Never disappoint you with her replies and will be the perfect one for you. She is the girl of your dreams and is the perfect person to talk to whenever you’re bored. However each one of them comes with an extra appendage called a boyfriend. Secretly you wait for her to break up with him but you know it will never happen. You however go on with the rest of the crowd liking her photos hoping she sees the love in the multiple likes that you give her posts and comments. She never does.

The Ones You Stalk

All of them.

So awesome that she can access the internet in her kitchen.

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A Tale of Death and Breath

This story takes place on the Planet Tik which is a twin of the planet Tak in the Mouth Freshener Galaxy.

The planet Tik is occupied by sentient beings called Tics, who believe in helping the Universe freshen up. Every year a group of Tics would pack themselves into a tiny rectangular box and come for an expedition to Planet Earth.

Somehow they would never return as the tribals of this planet, would mistake them as confectionary and consume them one at a time. Sometimes the tribals would take great pleasure in throwing the inhabitants into the air and letting them land into the moist pits of their mouths while on other occasions they would empty out the entire spaceship at one go. Stories of the evil acts of the humans became legends on the planet. Expeditions to Earth were forbidden, yet one Tic decided to take revenge. He decided to wreak havoc on the humans and make them regret their actions. He packed himself into a Spearmint box and took off for Earth.

It was Sunday morning when Johnny found a Tic Tac box lying on the ground. He picked it up and looked within. It was completely empty except for one Tic Tac that had got stuck to the far end of the box. He violently shook the box hoping for it to fall out. When it eventually fell out he looked at it and stared at its perfect shape. That is when the Tic Tac suddenly stood up and started screaming. Johnny was about to raise his fist and hit it when suddenly it just said ‘Johnny. You are a nice guy. I hope that you live a nice life’.

Jonathan did not know how to respond. In his hand he held a talking Tic Tac and one that was being very nice to him. He decided to take the Tic Tac home and observe it.

The Tic Tac meanwhile smiled. His plan was falling into place. He would not attack the humans through violence he would merely be nice to them and gain their trust. Johnny’s dead body was found a week later. His mouth smelled worse than the rest of his decomposed corpse.

If you’re out there thinking about eating a Tic Tac right now, I warn you of what is to come. Remember there is one mint out there out to get you. He will be as nice as he can. Do not trust him. Be careful. This is not your ordinary mint. It is a Compli-Mint.

Johnny’s girlfriend later got seduced by a Tic and ended up getting pregnant. She had it coming. She loved sucking Tics.

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