Monthly Archives: July 2013

A realistic guide to kissing on the first date.

My lack of relationships has led me to develop shit loads of advice that I will never use. However I feel that I am a relationship expert and it is my duty as a single guy to use all the completely unnecessary information that I have acquired and help the clueless guys who still have a chance. 

Now we all have had our crushes, which have eventually led to dates. We all have had moments where we want to reach in and just kiss the girl standing in front of us which is phase one of something that we’ve havebeen dreaming for a long amount of time. Most of the times it goes off wellbecause we know her and she is not a random girl in the lift who is smellingnice and who turns around and sees you smiling and then gives an awkward screamand gets off on the next floor leaving you alone and teary eyed. 

We all have had that happen to us once right? RIGHT? *cries*

Anyways gathering all my experience I have written this small guide on kissing a girl for the first time. Follow the steps and I can guarantee that you will have a wonderful first kiss. If not…there is always your right hand.

It’s very important that you have a girl or a guy (if you swing that way). Standing in front of the mirror does not count because you know that your reflection is never going to make the first move. You need to find a girl who you find interesting, who you find fascinating, who is not too expensive (if you are really that desperate). Once you’re done begging she may just come out on a date with you.

Step 2: Make sure you have fresh breath.

Oral hygiene is of utmost importance. A major mistake you can make is going for dinner and ordering a garlic naan and being completely unaware of how your breath smells like. The simplest test is to show her your Darth Vader impression. 

Attempt to quote Vader while holding your hand in front of your mouth, breathing into it and smelling your breath.

99% of the time your breath will smell like Chewbacca’s armpit.

Hence in such a situation you must make sure you gargle with the lemon water provided to you in a bowl after dinner. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF WASHING YOUR HANDS IN THAT. It’s a common misconception.

Remember: Garlic breath is a big turn off if the girl you’re sitting with is a Vampire or Jain.

Worst comes to worst go to the toilet and eat 20 packets ofmints at the same time. The only other way to make your breath better is if you have dentures made out of tic-tacs. Go back to her. Smile and breathe into her face. Let her get aroused by the minty freshness of your breath.

Step 3: Pay for themeal.

Always chip in. Nothing spells romance more like saying “You had the chicken, you pay for it.”

Step 4: Ask her out.

After you’re done paying and calculating the tip (10 bucks) ask her to come out.

Step 5: Once outside. Make the move.

Stand in front of her and tell her how you had a wonderful time. All throughout constantly stare at her and wonder how a girl like this ended up on a date with a guy like you.

Also admire the fact that she did not have to resort to massive amounts of alcohol to cloud her judgment. Continue staring at her beautiful face while an imaginary orchestra plays a badly arranged version of Pehla Nasha in your mind.

Hold your arms out and reach out for a hug. 

DO NOT: Shake her hand, pull her towards you and slap her on the back while screaming ‘Yo yo homie’.

Once she is in your arms hug her tightly and then gently let her go but don’t let her go completely.

Just let your eyes settle on her face.  Casually gaze at her lips. 

Back to the eyes. Back to the lips. Back to the eyes.

Quick peek at her boobs. Hmm. Hmm.

Then quickly back to the eyes.

 Once the imaginary chorus begins to play start moving in.

 Step 6: The Kiss

Slowly lean in while simultaneously tilting your head. Imagine that you’re falling asleep in a car while someone is taking a steep turn. Letyour head gently sway to one side and move in. She may tilt in the other direction, not tilt at all, or slap you. Be ready for the slap. It kind of wakes you up from the dream that you are currently having.

If she does not slap you then reach in for the kiss. Make sure your lips touch her lips and your eyes are closed. You don’t want the girl to wonder why the guy in front of her is kissing her and letching at her at the same time. 

While kissing make sure you do not slobber, drool or cough. Never cough on her face. It’s kind of disgusting. Plus the last thing she wantsis her saliva being thrown back on her face.

Once the kiss is done. Slowly move your head back. Stare at her and smile. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles. She likes you back. If she frowns, you probably should have brushed in the morning.

There you go. You have kissed a girl for the first time. Youwill remember this moment for the rest of your life and will always look back and wonder how awesome it was that you had the confidence to do something like this. You will also happily remember how unlike past attempts, she did not charge you for this.  

If it all goes well then you guys will meet again and probably get into a relationship. You are now officially kiss buddies. You can spend the rest of your days meeting each other, constantly informing each other about your mundane existence and constantly finding out newer ways to stop getting bored of the other person.   

 Remember: A kiss a day keeps the boredom away and a garlic naan a day makes sure she stays away forever.

Some thoughts are just kissturbing. I once kissed a raisin. She was a Kiss Miss.

 

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