Monthly Archives: February 2015

Hey Dost! (Sahil’s Weekly Advice Column)

Hello Dosts!
A week ago on my fan page I asked people to ask me for advice and a lot of people asked some interesting questions. So here we go…irrelevant advice from me that will change your life.

Lettuce begin.

Hey Dost,
Every time I get into a relationship I get dumped,last year I got dumped for 6 times,the thing is that those girls used to like me before the relationship started. Is there something wrong with me or I am way too good to handle?
– Vishal Sharma
Hey Dost,
Six times? Dude that is so cool! The last time I was in a relationship my imaginary girlfriend left me for my imaginary best friend. All the other imaginary girls I know are way out of my league. So well done on getting someone real! (I hope they are!). What I don’t know is if you are getting dumped 6 times by the same person or if it’s different women (if that’s the case then hai faive). In all honesty I think there is nothing wrong with you, maybe they like you before the relationship and afterwards they fall in love with you and cannot handle your beyond amazing personality that is so flawless people become paralysed when they see you. (WHY DID YOU MEET STEPHEN HAWKING VISHAL? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SEDUCE HIM?)
Maybe you should tone it down. Instead of being the most amazing sun stealing person on the planet maybe you should just be a normal dude that has no expectations attached. So the next time you feel like gifting her something, gift her a napkin. Make her guess what’s wrong with you and make sure she believes that she is the one to cure you or you could just figure out what you’re doing wrong and make changes to yourself. Trust me women handle men better when they learn to handle themselves (also works with masturbation). Let’s hope that the seventh girl doesn’t stop liking you! Good luck buddy…Sharma mat!
Hey Dost,
What must a man do in order to get a threesome?
– Alimohammed Chinwala
Hey Dost,
“I have a dream. A dream that one day I will sleep with two women without any conflict” – Martin Luther King Junior one night after having 3 long island ice teas.
A threesome is every guys’ dream and ultimate fantasy. Ever since the dawn of mankind Adam kept on wondering if Eve would be interested in a threesome but she always refused because she wasn’t into snakes. A threesome is the ultimate victory like climbing Everest or successfully being the only one who knows all the Devang Patel songs by heart. Trust me women are smart creatures and the only way to get what you want is to use a trick known as subliminal messaging.
So the next time you talk to her say –
She: Hey.
You: Hey. Wass’Iwantathreesome’up
She: Did you say something?
You: No. I was just saying you look so beautiful that I want to ‘haveathreesome’ give you flowers.
She: Did you…just?
You: *coughs* Sorry ‘Iwantathreesome’ *coughs*
She: *suddenly* I was thinking next week let’s have a threesome?
You: WOO *jump up and hi five Vishal who is up there cos he’s so awesome and too good to handle for people on Earth’
If this doesn’t work then just stick to dreaming or explore the dark side and pay the right people. Or better yet just be happy with you have. Trust me a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush unless you can convince the two birds to come to your bush….I digress.
Just pray daily and hope for the best, it will happen soon!
Hey Dost,
How do I motivate myself to not eat all that yummy junk food and go to the gym and do the ‘exercise’? And also what do I do with all the tinder guys I’ve given my <a>no.to?</a>
– Shweta Ghag
Hey Dost,
Motivation is something that comes from inside and cannot be taught. It’s not possible to ignore junk food. It’s too yummy and it’s been created just so that God can screw around with us. I can guarantee you somewhere in Heaven he is chuckling to himself and eating Cheetos  (while Jesus plays with his Tazo colelction). What you can do is control by setting some life goals. Set a goal that one day you want to be so fit and hot that forget the guys on Tinder, you want Alimohammed Chinwala to come and ask you to join him for a threesome.
I think that’s enough motivation to make you get up and get that body guuuurl. Exercise is essential to life and is need to keep us fit, it may be boring at first but you must commit to it.
As for the Tinder guys. STAAAAY AWAY. Tinder is a horrible place filled with sleazy men ( I’m on Tinder) who try their best to hit on you and when you give them your number you are doing a cardinal sin (SIN-DER). They will call you. They will find you and they will take you….to meet their mothers for marriage. This is Indian tinder and men only want to hook up which is short form for ‘I will look at you and not talk to you because I don’t have the confidence or the body. Damn I wish you were a girl who ate junk food and did not exercise’.  So basically if anyone from Tinder calls, just swipe left, eat a bag of Cheetos and hit the gym.
Hey Dost,
I am thinking of proposing a girl, can you help me out Sahil ???
– Raj Lalwani.
Hey Dost,
You mean you want to propose ’to’ a girl? Proposing a girl sounds like you’re married and you want to propose to your wife to get a girl child. (That’s good. This country needs more women). As for asking women out from all my extensive experience (of nothing) I’m just going to say one thing ‘Just be yourself’. Don’t overthink it. If you want to ask someone out just go for it.
Here’s a foolproof plan though:
1. Go to a bar.
2. Meet a girl. Say ‘Hey can you come outside for a second?’
3. She follows you outside.
4. As soon as she is out scream ‘HAHA I ASKED YOU OUT AND YOU SAID YES. YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND. KEHDO NA KEDHO NA YOU ARE MY SONIA!’
5. Get slapped and walk away. Try again on someone else.
OR
1. Use Tinder and meet Shweta Ghag. She loves junk food (just saying!)
That’s all from my side guys! Thank you so much for writing in. This is going to be a weekly column, so if you need advice on any topic (love, life, eloping with your nepali watchman etc) then write it in the comment section and I will answer it the next time.
Till next week! Good luck and fair biddings (unless you’re South Indian)
May the dost be with you,
Sahil.

I knew a Mummy who loved Aashiqui 2. He would always say Bas Tomb Hi Ho.

I knew a Mummy who loved Aashiqui 2. He would always say Bas Tomb Hi Ho.

3 Comments

Filed under Punny Stories