Welcome back to ze advice times!
I want to get off the internet and have a life. How do I do that?
HAHAHAHHA YOU’RE SCREWED YOU CAN NEVER DO THAT!
The internet is the greatest and worst creation that mankind has ever made. It’s like a hot woman because it’s so beautiful and distracting that you will never focus on your work unless you learn to ignore it. The internet is like a drug that you really cannot get rid off (Like cocaine or the taste of butter chicken). The only way you can get off the internet is by deleting your internet connection (or as normal people call it switching to Vodafone 3G). I feel if you really want to have a life then you can start by following these real life website substitutes that will help you move on:
Go outside. Talk to real people and make real friends. Then when they get married you can go to their houses and spray paint on their walls ‘CONGO YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER’. This is also a great way to socialize and meet new people. You can always sit in a group and discuss the days updates like ‘Sheila got a husband. What happens next will blow your mind?’ and ‘Here are ten ways we can bitch about other people without being bitchy’. Then when you see your ex you can follow him around and every single time he’s with a girl you can scream ‘I still miss us’ so that he feels awkward. Live the life a little. It’s really that simple.
Open your window. Scream at the air. Realize nobody is listening. Close your window. Repeat process in ten seconds.
Go see a theatre play. It’s exactly like youtube but it’s live (some plays even have mini unskippable ad plays that happen before the actual play starts)
Constantly touch your postman’s forehead and mutter ‘Refresh’ and hope that he delivers the latest mail instantly.
Trust me the internet is a vast playground and the only way to get off it is to deny playtime to yourself. So the next time you see yourself climbing up the slide of instant online gratification, get off and rush to the swings of life and play there till your parents come and take you away. Great things are always achieved by great people, and great people are those who stri to turn the WiFI off. So I wish you luck with that! *opens window and screams at a bird*
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– Araniani Aces
That’s a great question and the answer is simple. Love is blind but lust is not. Love is nothing but lust with his eyes covered, love will subdue lust till the opportune moment, and lingerie is the catalyst that makes them both crazy.
Here’s how lust and love see things:
Lust: OHO I WANT HER.
Love: I wish she was my girlfriend. I would make her feel so special all the time.
Lust: OHO YES THIS IS WHAT I WANT. THIS IZ BEST.
Love: I am doing this with the person who makes me comfortable.
Love: OOOOOOH MY GOD! LET US DO THIS. THIS IZ BESTS.
Lust: THIS IS BRESTS.
Love: OOOOH CHADDI.
Lingerie is the greatest creation of mankind after the internet and honestly it’s what glues love and lust together. They are nothing but chaddi buddies that love badi chaddis. I think that’s why animals don’t spend so much time with each other. It’s only because they don’t wear lingerie (it’s also a bit bizarre for a lioness to run behind deer wearing La Senza outfits). Dressing up and looking pretty is the greatest thing anyone can do for their respective partners (if you’re a guy trying out lingerie it’s a bit creepy) but that’s what makes us human. We like dressing up for the people we love because love is blind and lingerie is it’s braille.
PS: The next time you plan to wear lingerie don’t forget to get a second opinion on how it looks (You can always contact me because like Akanksha, I too am trying to get off the internet and need offline alternatives to well….*coughs* Savitabhabhi *coughs*).
Have you ever been in a situation where nothing seems to go your way. There’s nobody you can share your feelings with. You just want to have a new beginning in your life? You feel like you’re the least important guy in the world? If yes how did you handle the situation?
– Shalin Shah
Of course I’ve been in situations like this. People believe that comedians are happy all the time and when you hang out with them all you see is positivity and unicorns but it’s not true. Comedians are known to be the saddest humans because we spend so much time making other people happy we completely forget what makes us happy. (Children’s toys and photos of Ajay Devgn make me truly happy)
There are moments when I feel really sad and unimportant, but then I realise that at the end of the day all of us have someone looking upto us (my friend Raj is 4 feet tall so he always ends up looking up to me).
If you ever feel down or sad you should always call someone and talk to them, that’s what friends are for. Friends are nothing but free psychiatrists whose advice you should rarely listen to (because a comedian giving advice is much saner). Life is exactly like one long car journey. There are going to be moments where you’re super bored and moments where you really wish you had not taken the journey in the first place. Yet every single time we reach the end of our journey we look back and instead of seeing where we’ve reached we see the distance we’ve covered and that makes us proud.
Trust me things don’t go your way every now and then but you should just keep a cool mind about it and everything will fall into place. Here’s the correct procedure to handle sadness:
1. Feel sad and demotivated.
2. Go to Google and look for motivational posts and stories.
3. Read up on famous people on wikipedia.
4. OOOOH the new Flash episode is out.
5. Download it and watch it.
6. That was a great episode. Wait a second…what were we feeling bad about now?
7. Don’t remember let me just continue with life.
8. Crap! I have wasted my whole day. I feel so unimportant.
9. Well at least I’m not Baba Sehgal.
So the next time you’re down just forget everything and smile because there’s a lot more to look forward to than this. In case you’re really depressed you can come Lingerie shopping with Araniani and I and then we can meet up with Akanksha and sit on the internet and feel much better about our existence. (We will watch cat videos, see gifs of people falling and occasionally open windows and scream at birds).
That’s all from my side. Thank you so much for writing in. If you have any problems then do message me in my inbox and I will answer it the next time.
May the dost be with you!