Monthly Archives: April 2015

Hey Dost (Sahil’s weekly column no. 4. LOL)

Hey dosts so sorry I’ve not written a new column. I was traveling for the Ghanta Awards and busy saving the world from annhilation by radioactive anteaters (Thank me later).
I’m not back with my columnz  (Yes weekly. I won’t slack off) So let’s begin.
 
Hey Dost, 
How do I make a girl talk to me?
-Ansh Aggarwal.
Hey Dost,
Women are the most complicated species on the planet (after mosquitos. I mean. Why do they even exist? Even radioactive anteaters don’t understand their purpose) and talking to any woman is an art that you must learn to master through experience and failure. (basically you fail, you feel shitty and end up talking to the wall who ignores you)
You can’t make a girl talk to you. You always have to make the first step. Make the first move. Say the first word. Be the one to pay on the first date. Be the first person to cut the call. Be the first person to open the door for her and eventually be the first person to ask her to marry you (In short she’d go for Neil Armstrong over Buzz Aldrin anyday)
 
Talking to a girl is very easy. All you need is:
1. Lot’s of self confidence.
2. A fairly decent sense of humor (DO NOT point and say ‘HEY BOOBS HAHA’ and run away. It does not work)
3. Dress nicely.
 
That’s it. Once you have these three elements in place you need to just go to a girl and open with a line that has been working since the neanderthal days… ‘Hi’ and then she will start talking to you. When talking to her remember:
 
1. Do not look at her chest.
2. Do not look at her face with your mouth open.
3. Do not touch yourself.
4. You’re looking at her chest aren’t you? Look up. Look at her eyes.
5. Do not take photos of her and send it to your friends while she is talking to you.
6. Do not bring your mother over and tell her ‘Mummy yeh aapki bahu hai’
7. WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING AT HER CHEST?
 
Also women tend to have a lot of excuses to throw when a guy approaches them. Here are some the classic women excuses broken down to help you out:
 
1. I have a boyfriend.
I may have a boyfriend but I also could be lying to you because you’re not good looking. 
2. I’m busy right now.
I have a lot of stuff to do like stare at my face in this giant screen of mine so I can admire how pretty I look, but I can put it away if you’re good looking. 
3. Sorry not interested.
You’re not good looking. Aage jao. Chutta nahi hai.
 
In short all you need to do is try talking to all the women you know till you develop this confidence that just shows in the way you behave. That way rejection will just bounce off you and leave women attracted to your resilience or stupidity. Speaking to a girl is the simplest and easiest thing to do, just be yourself and don’t doubt yourself. Trust me good looking people have it muuuuuch easier but decent looking people can pull it off with great confidence (Ask me. It’s worked. That’s how I got my right hand to date me). If nothing else works there’s always Savita Bhabhi. (ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER CHEST? COME ON DUDE. STOP)
 
Hey Dost,
How do I stop feeling so empty after losing someone I had feelings for? Someone I shared a great connection with but he started dating someone else because of the crazy distance between us. I know long distance relationships are the worst and won’t work but it feels so weird to throw something so good away because of distance… I feel like a zombie right now.
Anonymous.
 
Hey Dost,
As I’ve mentioned before. Feelings are exactly like poop, you feel empty after you’ve lost them but trust me you will feel much better when they’re out of your system. Like poop, feelings should come at a comfortable time and should not be forced (It hurts the rectum known as the heart). Long distance relationships are the worst thing in the world. I once dated a girl who stayed in Malad and couldn’t date her because it was too far away for me.
 
Honestly I know what you’re going through because it is so depressing to see someone else dating the man/woman you wanted to date. Honestly if you guys had a great connection I don’t see any reason why he should not try to make an effort to work it out. I mean that’s the thing about love it surpasses all boundaries (except China. They will kidnap love and force it to make sneakers for them). 
 
However by the looks of it he’s moved on and has already started a new life and honestly I think you should just let this go. You don’t want to be the woman that ruined someone else’s relationship because of your own personal goals ( I KNOW SHE IS A BITCH AND SHE DESERVES TO BE UNHAPPY BUT REMOVE THESE THOUGHTS).
If he liked you then he would have tried to make things work, you can easily make a long distance work by talking daily, have skype dates (they even have apps for the badonkadonk now) and just virtually maintain your relationship till one of you travels and meets the other. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and distance make the hormones go crazy. Yet currently he is in a situation your absence does not affect him and he would like to maintain the distance between you guys.
 
Yet I say, don’t throw this away. Just wait for a bit and let him figure out for himself what can happen. If you guys really cannot live without each other than a compromise can be met, you should both meet halfway, shift to Bangladesh and live there. If not then you should just let him live his life and be the friend that he always wanted. It’s tough being friendzoned by distance but it’s tougher being a zombie. Just go out there and start meeting other people. That’s what good zombies do. They meet other people and eventually settle with someone who has ‘Braaaaaains’ so go ahead and you will find someone else who will make you feel nice, while living in the same city. Give it time and these feelings will subside, it’s what the elders call ‘Moving On’. In case they’re still there then I suggest you find a replacement, I can always connect you to Ansh Aggarwal who really wants to just talk to a girl. Good luck with that!
 
Hey Dost,
Every guy I like (There were just 2) has either friend-zoned me or we stopped being in touch. So as a result, I have been single all my life and I think guys just run away from me or something. Please help so I don’t end up forever alone. 
-Ayisha Abdul
 
Hey Dost,
 
Don’t ever feel bad about being single because it’s the greatest feeling in the world. I used to be single for the longest amount of time. I was so single that my cupid filed for unemployment. Don’t think that guys run away from you. See you have the biggest advantage of all time….you are a woman. The biggest pick up line that works on any man is just ‘Yes’. That’s it.
 
Don’t be hung up on just 2 guys, there are sooo many out there who you can try your luck with. See it’s only through rejection that you will realize what you need to change and what you’re looking for. It’s a simple cycle.
 
1. Meet guy.
2. Realize what you like about the guy and what he likes about you.
3. If it works out then great! If it doesn’t find out why he doesn’t like you.
4. Change it if it’s a bad habit (like smoking, sleepwalking or singing Himesh songs)
5. Once the habit has changed repeat step 1 and start the process again.
 
After these cycles you will be purged of all the bad habits and you will also realize what you actually want from a guy. It will make it simpler for you to have fun and enjoy and trust me on this one thing….don’t worry about being single because a relationship is the most overrated thing in the world.
Dating is basically being best friends with someone (plus sax) that’s all. When you’re single you can do what you want, eat what you want, go where ever you want without your respective partner calling and saying ‘We don’t do things together anymore’. Remember there are tons of guys in your situation just now, and honestly you just need to find another guy who is forever alone and you guys can be forever alone…together. 
 
Don’t waste your time worrying about your relationship status. You’re still young, there are so many sides to you that you have not yet discovered (like your left profile. It’s fascinating) . Screw the guys, just go out there, explore the world and do things that interest you. Start discovering more about yourself and slowly guys will start discovering you and then they will flock to you like gujarati’s at a falguni pathak concert. Trust me sitting and complaingin about being single is not going ot help. 
 
As a famous philospher once said : ‘Ayisha. Ayisha’ Ecoutez moi’ which roughly translates to ‘JA AYISHA JEE LE APNI ZINDAGI’
 
The sad part of life is that when you’re single you miss a relationship and vice versa, so you’re never going to be happy unless you be happy with yourself. (That is until you friendzone yourself. Then you’re screwed). Worst comes to worst you can always date yourself. I dated myself for a long time and it was the best relationship ever! (I always completed my own sentences and that turned me on)
 
So best of luck finding yourself and then finding a guy! In case you’re still looking then I can connect you to Ansh Aggarwal (See Ansh. Two women already! You should thank me for being your wingman)
 
Well I hope this helps you guys. There are many more questions left which I will answer next week but i you have any query do send it to me and I will do my best to answer it!
Till then thank you so much for reading!
May the dost be with you.
Sahil.
 

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