Category Archives: Random Stories

The types of women you see on Facebook

As a single guy I have a lot of time to spend online especially on Facebook. It is a magical site where you can spy on everyone’s life and make sure you know every aspect of him or her.

Sometimes I imagine that I will find the perfect girl online and we will have a perfect relationship and fall in perfect love. However every single time I log onto Facebook, I see the same bunch of women who make my perfect dream disappear. As a gift to my fellow single men, I present to you a guide on the types of women you will encounter on Facebook.

The Disney

This woman will have absolutely no photos of herself. All her photos will be of Disney princesses or random actors. She may put up an Edward Cullen photo and you realize that she is the spawn of Satan. There will be no photos of her. Most of her albums consist of photos of friends or random photos in which 45 million people have been tagged. You will never see her face. If you chat up with her she will speak with you but behind this shrouded veil that other humans refer to as a photo of Selena Gomez. You really wish she puts up more photos so you can catch a glimpse of her but it seems like her face does not exist at all. No matter how hard you try you will never ever see how she looks in real life, but the mere fact that she likes Selena Gomez gives you enough reason to at least purchase a few Cyanide capsules before you meet her.

The Hipster

The Hipster will only use Instagram and put up random photos of dead animals or quotes from authors who you’re pretty sure don’t exist. She will reblog posts and share images that are as abstract and fake as her.

Most of her photos will have her roaming around in random nature based surroundings. Every photo will have been methodically edited and will also come along with an accompanying lyric tag from a band nobody has ever heard of it. In fact most of the times the band will be formed after the lyrics have been read. She will post quotes and philosophy. Kafka, Nietzsche, Freud, she knows them all but the moment you ask her about common things like Hindi music or terrible movies, she will change the subject to more ‘intellectual things’.

The Hot One

OMG. She is so hot. There is no way she will ever be with you. Never. She is way out of your league. She makes your league look like the Sri Lankan Premier League. There is only one thing that you can do… Right Click and Save Image for later use.

The Pretty One

The pretty one will have some of the most beautiful profile photos. Photos that make you stare and fall in love. Everything is perfect except her grammar. Every photo has a terribly spelled caption which ends in a heart (<3) . Half of the times she manages to spell that wrong also.

She will spell great as gr8 and nice as nyc. She will refuse to spell any word correctly or even show some inclination to read the dictionary. Even a decomposing pigeon will type out a better sentence then her. Now you have to make a decision. Does your penis like her or does your brain like her?

The Hogger

The Hogger will take as many photos as she can to prove to the world that she exists. She will take 45 million photos in 1 second and upload them all simultaneously. She will constantly update her Facebook status telling people about how she is eating food and how she is crapping it minutes later. She will then takes photos of her posing near her poop and upload them to an album called ‘Summer Poop :P’. She will post every 10 seconds on your wall making you believe that she has no friends or family. As much as you ignore her, you cannot ignore her digital presence. She will like your every photo and share your ever post. She will be the sole reason for deactivating your profile.

The Limited Recluse

She will never come online. She will have only 3 photos that have been uploaded, out of which 2 have been put up by her friends and one by an application that she accidently accessed. She will not post on your wall or reply to any posts. She will not update her status. She will have somewhat of a limited profile and refuse to be friends with anyone. Technically speaking her profile is in a vegetative state. Sooner or later, the good folks at Facebook will euthanize it.

The Ugly One

She is ugly as hell. Heck even Hell is prettier and hotter than her. Yet she is always hanging around pretty women and hence you have her as a friend with the secret hope in mind that one day when you comment, one of her pretty friends will find you humorous and add you as a friend.

The Perfect One

The perfect one will be the one you desire. She will be pretty, smart and highly friendly. She will talk to you whenever you want. Never disappoint you with her replies and will be the perfect one for you. She is the girl of your dreams and is the perfect person to talk to whenever you’re bored. However each one of them comes with an extra appendage called a boyfriend. Secretly you wait for her to break up with him but you know it will never happen. You however go on with the rest of the crowd liking her photos hoping she sees the love in the multiple likes that you give her posts and comments. She never does.

The Ones You Stalk

All of them.

So awesome that she can access the internet in her kitchen.

Advertisements

10 Comments

Filed under Random Stories

Mobile Apocalypse

Ting Ting Ting Ting

The tune starting off slowly but getting louder by the moment, wafts through the open window. I open my eyes and look around, my room lies dirty in front of me. Muffled mumblings and short beeps are heard from outside. I quickly wipe the sleep away from my eyes. It has been 3 years since the incident took place.

I walk towards the windows, open the curtains and look out. The world looks dark and grim as usual. Looking down I glance at hoards of mindless people clustering, constantly banging into each other. Nobody looks up, nobody talks, fingers constantly moving about the keypad messaging away, all their hands perpetually attached to the demonic device.

I look back on the days of normal conversations where people would actually speak to each other in person. Communication had slowly changed after that. It was introduced to the world as a boon, something known as a Blackberry. This bold move had changed the communication curve and taken the world by storm. It was literally like a torch in dark times. But all torches eventually run out of batteries, and the darkness slowly comes back to take its place. People started forgetting how to talk, they would refuse to even react to normal conversation. Everyone was attacked by this ruthless virus called the Blackberry Messenger or BBM. Governments had failed attempts to ban it, to stop it from spreading, but it did. Everyone had become mindless BBZombies.

My eyes slowly landed on one lonely man slowly walking at a distance from the crowd. He seemed to be enjoying the distant pleasures of messaging someone and actually paying for it. Yet he did not see the rock in his way and brutally tripped. I watched as his Samsung phone flew out of his hand and broke into a hundred newly extinct pieces. The crowd turned and their eyes feasted on him. A man without a means of communication the perfect fodder for themselves. They ran towards him. He had nowhere to run and just stood there scared and awaited his fate. The first of the BBZombies approached him and after scanning him from top to bottom asked him the only few words that it ever learnt to say “What is your BBM pin?” and upon realizing the poor man possessed nothing the crowd jumped on him, his screams muffled as their bodies piled up on top of him.

Fear enveloped me as I awaited the painful effects of this attack. The crowd slowly started dissipating and he stood there. Alone. Confused. Terrified.

Slowly he pulled out a Blackberry and said “22101AFC”. He too had succumbed to the curse.

I turned my back on this gruesome sight and went to my drawers. Today too would be another day of survival. Another day of fighting to prove my worth. Fighting against this curse that had captured everyone but me.

I opened the drawers and stared at the varied telephonic instruments at my arsenal. 4 Nokia 6600’s, 20 Siemens mobiles, Motorolas as well as the Samsungs. I reserved the touch screen ones like the HTC’s for the worst of the zombies, the ones who infected all. My modus operandi – Throw the phones filled with working Sim Cards and pray that people slowly change and realize that they should pay for their messages and calls. It had not been a successful journey uptil now, the entire Blackberry culture had made living difficult. I strap on two belts of prepaid as well as postpaid Sim Cards and walk towards the door, my bag filled with assorted telephones ready to do their damage.

I had forgotten something. I turned back and made my way to the bottom of my bed and pulled out a large metal chest. Concealed in it was one of the most deadliest phones ever created. I open the top and my eyebrows raise, my eyes sparkle as I stare at the beauty known to the common world as the IPhone 4. Jailbroken. Waiting to distract and convert a giant lot of these zombies.

Phones – Check. Sim Cards loaded – Check. 3g activated just for the heck of it – Check. Moving my Sony Slider up and down while making shotgun sounds – Check. Phone getting locked and unlocked – Check.

I stare at the photo of my family and wipe a tear. All of them had been consumed, not even one acknowledged my pleas for their safety. Now they wandered around mindlessly, refusing to talk, refusing to listen until I myself had got a Blackberry. Yuck.  I spat at the thought of getting one and I still spit thinking about it. It is time to roll.

I step out of my buildings and 20 BBZombies run towards me. I take out a handful of Samsungs and throw them, that should temporarily distract them. Messages that can be sent without having to wonder whether the other person has got them or read them. Anxiety at waiting for their reply will easily occupy them as I made my way towards the city, trying to find any survivors. I run around throwing phones at everyone. I got all my ammo from the scrapyard.

That is when I first heard “Help”. Her voice ever so sweet rose over the tapping sounds of the phones. I looked towards her. She was extremely pretty and around 20 years old. She was wearing a white t shirt and blue jeans. Her hair was let loose, and my eyes crossed to her pretty black eyes. We mentally BBM’ed each other. I read her message loud and clear and she smiled as she knew it was delivered, ” Help me please” she yelled again.

All the bravado piled up in me and with a sudden adrenaline rushed I screamed as I ran towards her, throwing phones at every person I could see. A punch came out of nowhere and knocked me right to the ground, my bag was flung a few feet away. The BBZombies started tugging at my clothes and hair. “Play Brickbreaker, Brickbreaker” they mumbled as they tugged at me. As they surrounded me and threw themselves on me, I saw all the hope escape her face. I saw her reaching towards a Blackberry, accepting the curse. I could not let that happen. Not once again. My hands barely reached my bag, but I pulled out the Apple Iphone which I had reserved for a great occasion and I though there could be no greater occasion than now. I slid to unlock and threw the phone away, the BBZombies ran towards the phone fascinated by its technology. They fought with each other and constantly messaged each other while they were fighing that they were fighting. I ran towards the girl and we both held hands and fled from that place. We ran towards an isolated location and took refuge there. She smiled. Her smile ever so perfect on that beautiful sculpted face of hers. Sonica, she said her name was. She said she did not know how to thank me. She was about to succumb to the curse but I had saved her just in time. I smiled as I realized I had finally found someone like me. All the days of fighting a lone battle were now over.

She came close to me. Our eyes interlocked as she slowly hugged me. I felt her warmth flow towards me and closed my eyes. Nothing could have ruined that moment.

Slowly she raised her mouth to my ears and ever so gently whispered…

“PING”.

– The End

"Hey Honey, I won't be home today. Staying out a little late to do some Zombie stuff. Ok Bye"

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Stories