55 Word Stories

A long time ago I had taken part in this blog series called ’55 word stories’ run by Vivek Tejuja.

Everyday you get a theme and then you write a 55 word story on it. Simple.

So here are some of my stories. Thought I’d share them. 

Hope you enjoy them as much as I did writing them!

 

EPIPHANY

“So what do your daughters do?” asked the prospective in-laws.

“I have two daughters. The elder one is into interior designing. The younger one constantly gets visions about the future” said Mr. Sharma nervously offering them a samosa.

“What are their names?” they asked.

“Stephanie and Epiphanie” he said as he bit into his samosa.

ZOO 

“Look at these caged animals. Standing behind their bars, begging to be freed.” thought the man as he walked by. He ignored their loud taunts and continued walking. “Don’t feed the animals, that is an order I follow” he said. That night a prisoner starved to death. The jailor was nowhere to be found.

SUITCASE 

He put the heavy black case on the table. Men in tuxedos surrounded him and murmured. “Open” said the man in black. ‘Click’. He lifted the lid. They all saw the huge bunch of colorful underwear in front of them. It was not a ‘Suit case’. It was a ‘Brief case’.

NARCISSISM

He loved himself and as long as he had himself he was happy with life. Sometimes he would feel bad at the way he behaved and wondered whether he could ever think of other people. Then he realized that ‘If everyone was an alphabet, he would be a capital letter I’. He doesn’t care anymore.

MUTTER

“Waiter could you please come here?” asked the confused customer. “Put your head near the plate and listen. I can hear words coming out of my dish.” he exclaimed.

“Sir isn’t this what you asked for?” questioned the waiter.

“Talking food?” said the man.

“Yes. You only said. ‘Mutter’ Paneer”

The paneer collectively giggled.

MELANCHOLY

She looked dazzling in that attire, the director just stared awe struck. She danced wildly imagining the people who would go wild looking at her giant breasts. After the take, her make up artist met her backstage. “Madam. Choli ke piche kya hain?”

“Melons” said Madhuri as she removed the fruits.

“Meloncholi madness”. She laughed.

WORDS

All he ever faced was ridicule. Constant jibes calling him a duffer. Enough was enough. He was not going to stay quiet any longer.

“I am not a stupid mute, I’m just a man of a few words.” he proudly thought.

“Manmohan, come here please” yelled Sonia Gandhi.

“Yes madam”.

Those were his ‘few’ words.

CRAZINESS 

‘Pagalpanti bhi zaroori hain yaar’ she said as she jumped around him. She was getting on his nerves with the cackling and the constant quoting of that slogan. He hated Mirinda and he hated her ‘pagalpanti’. So he stabbed her, with a broken thums up bottle. “Pagalpanti chod” he muttered, “Aaj kuch toofani karte hain”.

 INTIMACY

He looked at the dead body lying in front of him. He marveled at her perfectly embalmed shape. He had to stop stealing corpses from the morgue. He pulled down his pants. She was inanimate. He got intimate. Together they were soulmates. Mr.Hyde smiled. Poor Jekyll will never know what happened.

JOB

He hated his job. The daily struggle of planting flags at assumed danger spots was getting to him. He was seeing numbers all around him, which was driving him crazy. He took a wrong step, there was an explosion and he was dead. The yellow smiley face with sunglasses grimaced. It’s tough being a Minesweeper.

FAKE

She gently kissed him on his neck and moaned as she felt his fingers reach the pleasure point. She was slowly reaching orgasm and her screams slowly escalated.  Raju paused the video. He knew she was faking it but smiled as he poured some lotion on his hand and waited for the video to buffer.

CUT

“Cut” yelled the exasperated director.

“This story is too simple. We need more violence, more warfare and a lot more deaths. You see that fellow with the long hair. Kill him.” he said.

“But sir when will he come back?” asked the puzzled cinematographer.

“In the retake” said God as he walked away.

 AIRPORT

“Ladies and Gentlemen we will be landing in Delhi soon” said the captain as he unscrewed the cap of his flask. “You know. I like my alcohol like I like my airports” he stated.

The co-captain stared back.

“Domestic! ” he said as he took a swig. They laughed.

The plane never reached the runway.

——— Fin———

Do check out some of the stories written by other people at http://55words.blogspot.in/

Thank you for reading!

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A realistic guide to kissing on the first date.

My lack of relationships has led me to develop shit loads of advice that I will never use. However I feel that I am a relationship expert and it is my duty as a single guy to use all the completely unnecessary information that I have acquired and help the clueless guys who still have a chance. 

Now we all have had our crushes, which have eventually led to dates. We all have had moments where we want to reach in and just kiss the girl standing in front of us which is phase one of something that we’ve havebeen dreaming for a long amount of time. Most of the times it goes off wellbecause we know her and she is not a random girl in the lift who is smellingnice and who turns around and sees you smiling and then gives an awkward screamand gets off on the next floor leaving you alone and teary eyed. 

We all have had that happen to us once right? RIGHT? *cries*

Anyways gathering all my experience I have written this small guide on kissing a girl for the first time. Follow the steps and I can guarantee that you will have a wonderful first kiss. If not…there is always your right hand.

It’s very important that you have a girl or a guy (if you swing that way). Standing in front of the mirror does not count because you know that your reflection is never going to make the first move. You need to find a girl who you find interesting, who you find fascinating, who is not too expensive (if you are really that desperate). Once you’re done begging she may just come out on a date with you.

Step 2: Make sure you have fresh breath.

Oral hygiene is of utmost importance. A major mistake you can make is going for dinner and ordering a garlic naan and being completely unaware of how your breath smells like. The simplest test is to show her your Darth Vader impression. 

Attempt to quote Vader while holding your hand in front of your mouth, breathing into it and smelling your breath.

99% of the time your breath will smell like Chewbacca’s armpit.

Hence in such a situation you must make sure you gargle with the lemon water provided to you in a bowl after dinner. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF WASHING YOUR HANDS IN THAT. It’s a common misconception.

Remember: Garlic breath is a big turn off if the girl you’re sitting with is a Vampire or Jain.

Worst comes to worst go to the toilet and eat 20 packets ofmints at the same time. The only other way to make your breath better is if you have dentures made out of tic-tacs. Go back to her. Smile and breathe into her face. Let her get aroused by the minty freshness of your breath.

Step 3: Pay for themeal.

Always chip in. Nothing spells romance more like saying “You had the chicken, you pay for it.”

Step 4: Ask her out.

After you’re done paying and calculating the tip (10 bucks) ask her to come out.

Step 5: Once outside. Make the move.

Stand in front of her and tell her how you had a wonderful time. All throughout constantly stare at her and wonder how a girl like this ended up on a date with a guy like you.

Also admire the fact that she did not have to resort to massive amounts of alcohol to cloud her judgment. Continue staring at her beautiful face while an imaginary orchestra plays a badly arranged version of Pehla Nasha in your mind.

Hold your arms out and reach out for a hug. 

DO NOT: Shake her hand, pull her towards you and slap her on the back while screaming ‘Yo yo homie’.

Once she is in your arms hug her tightly and then gently let her go but don’t let her go completely.

Just let your eyes settle on her face.  Casually gaze at her lips. 

Back to the eyes. Back to the lips. Back to the eyes.

Quick peek at her boobs. Hmm. Hmm.

Then quickly back to the eyes.

 Once the imaginary chorus begins to play start moving in.

 Step 6: The Kiss

Slowly lean in while simultaneously tilting your head. Imagine that you’re falling asleep in a car while someone is taking a steep turn. Letyour head gently sway to one side and move in. She may tilt in the other direction, not tilt at all, or slap you. Be ready for the slap. It kind of wakes you up from the dream that you are currently having.

If she does not slap you then reach in for the kiss. Make sure your lips touch her lips and your eyes are closed. You don’t want the girl to wonder why the guy in front of her is kissing her and letching at her at the same time. 

While kissing make sure you do not slobber, drool or cough. Never cough on her face. It’s kind of disgusting. Plus the last thing she wantsis her saliva being thrown back on her face.

Once the kiss is done. Slowly move your head back. Stare at her and smile. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles. She likes you back. If she frowns, you probably should have brushed in the morning.

There you go. You have kissed a girl for the first time. Youwill remember this moment for the rest of your life and will always look back and wonder how awesome it was that you had the confidence to do something like this. You will also happily remember how unlike past attempts, she did not charge you for this.  

If it all goes well then you guys will meet again and probably get into a relationship. You are now officially kiss buddies. You can spend the rest of your days meeting each other, constantly informing each other about your mundane existence and constantly finding out newer ways to stop getting bored of the other person.   

 Remember: A kiss a day keeps the boredom away and a garlic naan a day makes sure she stays away forever.

Some thoughts are just kissturbing. I once kissed a raisin. She was a Kiss Miss.

 

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Every Girl’s Dream

So I saw this small little word piece floating around on Facebook talking about every girl’s dream.

It had some of the most bullshit and fake lovey dovey shit that excites teenagers and adolescents who think all men look like the wonderful spawn of Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson.

They all want guys who dress and sing like One Direction band members.

They desire guys who shower you with flowers and baby unicorns and only care about Love, emotional feelings and flamboyant poetry.

I am tired of seeing people share shit like this as to how ‘Girls like a boy who hugs from behind’ and ‘Girls like a boy who knows when you’re sad’ and ‘Girls like a boy who has no penis’.

ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT.

I am here to sort it out. This is a post I saw titled ‘Every Girl’s Dream’ and I am here to tell you what a normal guy thinks of this bullshit.

EVERY GIRL’S DREAM

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain.

This is disgusting. Firstly if you are kissing in rain then there is something wrong because the chances of you getting pneumonia are very high. You can obviously ask someone to hold up an umbrella while you kiss your lover or even wear a raincoat (they are quite cheap) or better yet go someplace quiet and dry.

I think this is just an excuse to claim that you were with a guy and you became wet.

The only reason I would stand in the rain is if I have a full bladder and I want to pee because nobody will notice the tears stream down my thighs.

In fact every guy does not care about kissing but we would love to see women in white shirts kissing in the pouring rain. You give us that and you have completely made sure we enjoy the monsoons.

2. Have that one hot kiss where your pressed against the wall

Firstly it’s You’re.

Secondly I don’t know what is considered as a hot kiss. I mean if someone is pushing you against the wall then mostly they don’t want to kiss you. Mostly it could be a policeman who is turning you around because he wants to handcuff you. At this point of time making out with a policeman is not considered a good way to get out of jail. (have you seen Indian cops? You’d rather get a death sentence than kiss them)

Even if you are kissing someone I don’t know how it is considered ‘hot’ that you are being pushed against a wall. In fact you should check whether the guy is alive and not merely pressing you against the wall because he is dead.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world

Bitch Please.

Look at the world and then look at your face.

Given a chance to explore the world or to spend time with you pushing you against a wall… we would definitely go for the world.

There is so much stuff around the world that is 50 times prettier than you.

I would stare at photos of Mount Everest than a photo of you. pouting while raising two fingers. Honestly the only time he will think you’re the world is if you’re really fat and going round and round.

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs

The only reason he is doing that is because your boobs feel great against his chest. This is the closest any guy (even your best friend) will get to pressing your boobs. The reason we hug you guys tighter is not because we missed you, but because we missed that awesome feeling of caressing your chest without you noticing it.

5. A guy that whispers he loves you in your ear

There is nothing stupider than this. If he loves you he will tell you he loves you. He does not need to whisper stuff into your ear. The only time a guy will do that is if he is playing Chinese whispers and he misinterprets ‘Aila View’. Either that or it is your stalker who has finally managed to stand really close to you and synchronize his breath with yours. If he whispers this…you should run.

6. Have that moment where you just gaze into each other’s eyes

Honestly your eyes are pretty. That’s all. We’ll stare for around 3 minutes max.

We are not going to spend an entire hour looking into your eyes because honestly speaking….We’d rather stare at your chest.

7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.

Ok now this is disgusting. I don’t know which guy kisses tears. I mean to me this guy seems like someone with a severe salt fetish. Think about it. Imagine you lost a friend in an accident and you’re standing over his dead body. I think the last thing you want is a guy standing there whispering shit into your ear and then licking the tears of your face.

Also how the hell do you kiss a tear? If he kisses your tears is he cheating on you with your tears? Think about it. The last thing you want is to walk in and find him naked in bed caressing a bottle of your tears.

8. When you’re not with your guy he’s all that you can think about

That’s bullshit. We all know that. Once again let me clarify. Are you a stalker?

9. Wearing his jacket (or his sweatshirt) and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds u !!

Firstly, HOW TOUGH IS IT TO SPELL OUT ‘YOU’ PROPERLY?

Okay. Now. Why are you wearing his clothes and sniffing them?

This is the female equivalent to a man coming and smelling your panties. It’s gross.

Why the hell would you want to smell like his sweat? You want to smell men. Get into a local train and come out. Not only will you smell like a bunch of men you will also look like you have been standing in the pouring rain.

10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.

Honestly the only guy who will watch a movie that gets you teary eyed is a guy who has a salt fetish. He also likes making out with tears. Just telling you.

It doesn’t matter how many people you share this with because nobody on Facebook is bothered with your existence. Just remember if you are a stupid girl who believes in this shit then stop because nobody cares.

However if you don’t believe in this…then give me a call.

I like kissing tears.

Thank you.

This is indeed a truly beautiful pick up line that works.

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The JACKASS boyfriend few girls wish for !!! <3

Tag as many people as you want… Everyone should read this !

I don’t care if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now. Myabe you’re ugly and you will never have one!

I don’t care if you are a guy or a woman or Michael Jackson.

Just read this, it will make a difference.
If only everyone could see this and understand it.

Remember this boys:

When she’s quiet, ignore her and go on talking that way she wont interrupt you.

When she stares at your mouth, 
You have something in your teeth. Don’t kiss her cos then it will get stuck in her teeth.

When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb-ass it’s because she thinks she’s stronger than you,
But if she has muscles and if you actually get hurt don’t cry.

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Tell her she has herpes and then run away.

When she ignores you, give your attention to much more important things like videogames.

When she pulls away, she may have to go pee so don’t pull her back. It will be ackward.

When you see her at her worst,tell her she’s beautiful. Except when her parents pass away.

Eg
Girl Crying 
Boy:Dude im sorry that your parents died. You look hot today! Want to copulate while they light the pyre?

When you see her start crying, make her meet your gay friend. Let him console her while you drink outside. 

When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind. But she the pressure you apply may lead her to fart.

When she’s scared, protect her,unless your life is risked. Then you should run away.

When she steals your favorite hoodie, let her keep it so then in return she can sleep with you for a night.

When she teases you, tease her back and maybe if you feel like it tease her front also!

When she doesn’t answer for a long time she may be dead.

When she looks at you with doubt she may be retarded or confused. You choose.

When she says that she loves you, you can say I do to just so you get a little action.

When she grabs at your hands, that means she may not have washed after going to the bathroom and maybe wiping her hands on yours. Use sanitizer.

When it looks like she is about to bump into you,move away and laugh when she falls down.

When she tells you a secret, don’t tell anyone. Just mail it to all your friends on facebook!

When she looks at you in your eyes, stare till your eyes start burning.Unless she has conjunctivitis then you wear sunglasses.

She will never repost this bulletin. Nobody will.When she reposts this bulletin,she wants you to read it.

– Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.That is if she has called you cos incoming is free! ☺

– When she’s mad take her to visit a psychiatrist.

– Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you need a treat.

– When she’s sick give her sleeping tablets so she doesn’t not keep you awake.

– Give her the world. If you cannot afford it then if you give her a bottle filled with sand from Chowpatty then that will also do.

– Let her wear no clothes.

– Let her know she’s important as long as she calls you everytime and pays for your dates!!!

– When she runs away crying, the first thing you say is:
“Sorry I did not mean to say that to you”

All in all. Make her love you for who you are and make sure that she makes you a sandwich on a daily basis.

PS: I am single on Valentine’s day. I will carry a packet of bread if you’re interested. *coughs*

This is a digital representation of how I look. Honestly. Ok. I’m joking. It’s a much longer that that.

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A Cold Shoulder To Cry On

Valentine’s Day is coming up. In search for a romantic encounter I scouted the city to find someone who was willing to go on a date with me. The unfortunate thing is that love is like finding the television remote. The harder you try to find it, the more frustrating it gets and eventually you end up using your hands.

However I visited an electronic store recently and that is where I saw her. Standing there majestically while other people slowly passed by her she had an aura of cool about her. She was tall. Quite tall and quite well built.

I slowly walked up to her and managed to muster up the courage to strike a conversation. Despite my feeble attempts to initiate small talk she refused to talk to me. I tried my best to ask her questions but I was just continuously ignored.

I went away and observed her from far. She kept on standing in the same place.

I could see that she loved vegetables and not only that she had a good rack. I approached her once again and moved around her a little, trying to catch a glimpse of her back.

Having enough of this silence I walked in front of her and decided to stand there until she spoke to me. My eyes meandered and I found a spot on her body, which I could focus upon. I just stared and stared at her rack. It was so big and beautiful. I knew that this time it was only and nothing would ruin the moment.

Suddenly I heard a shout. “Excuse me…but my ice… are up here”.

That’s when the salesman came over and opened the freezer of the fridge in front of me.  As he took his tray out I contemplated buying the fridge. She was quite spacious and she would easily store the ice cream, which I will be eating on Valentine’s Day, while I cry in front of my television set watching romantic movies because I won’t be able find the remote to change the channel.

I believe that the only reason she never spoke was because she was Fridgid.

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The types of women you see on Facebook

As a single guy I have a lot of time to spend online especially on Facebook. It is a magical site where you can spy on everyone’s life and make sure you know every aspect of him or her.

Sometimes I imagine that I will find the perfect girl online and we will have a perfect relationship and fall in perfect love. However every single time I log onto Facebook, I see the same bunch of women who make my perfect dream disappear. As a gift to my fellow single men, I present to you a guide on the types of women you will encounter on Facebook.

The Disney

This woman will have absolutely no photos of herself. All her photos will be of Disney princesses or random actors. She may put up an Edward Cullen photo and you realize that she is the spawn of Satan. There will be no photos of her. Most of her albums consist of photos of friends or random photos in which 45 million people have been tagged. You will never see her face. If you chat up with her she will speak with you but behind this shrouded veil that other humans refer to as a photo of Selena Gomez. You really wish she puts up more photos so you can catch a glimpse of her but it seems like her face does not exist at all. No matter how hard you try you will never ever see how she looks in real life, but the mere fact that she likes Selena Gomez gives you enough reason to at least purchase a few Cyanide capsules before you meet her.

The Hipster

The Hipster will only use Instagram and put up random photos of dead animals or quotes from authors who you’re pretty sure don’t exist. She will reblog posts and share images that are as abstract and fake as her.

Most of her photos will have her roaming around in random nature based surroundings. Every photo will have been methodically edited and will also come along with an accompanying lyric tag from a band nobody has ever heard of it. In fact most of the times the band will be formed after the lyrics have been read. She will post quotes and philosophy. Kafka, Nietzsche, Freud, she knows them all but the moment you ask her about common things like Hindi music or terrible movies, she will change the subject to more ‘intellectual things’.

The Hot One

OMG. She is so hot. There is no way she will ever be with you. Never. She is way out of your league. She makes your league look like the Sri Lankan Premier League. There is only one thing that you can do… Right Click and Save Image for later use.

The Pretty One

The pretty one will have some of the most beautiful profile photos. Photos that make you stare and fall in love. Everything is perfect except her grammar. Every photo has a terribly spelled caption which ends in a heart (<3) . Half of the times she manages to spell that wrong also.

She will spell great as gr8 and nice as nyc. She will refuse to spell any word correctly or even show some inclination to read the dictionary. Even a decomposing pigeon will type out a better sentence then her. Now you have to make a decision. Does your penis like her or does your brain like her?

The Hogger

The Hogger will take as many photos as she can to prove to the world that she exists. She will take 45 million photos in 1 second and upload them all simultaneously. She will constantly update her Facebook status telling people about how she is eating food and how she is crapping it minutes later. She will then takes photos of her posing near her poop and upload them to an album called ‘Summer Poop :P’. She will post every 10 seconds on your wall making you believe that she has no friends or family. As much as you ignore her, you cannot ignore her digital presence. She will like your every photo and share your ever post. She will be the sole reason for deactivating your profile.

The Limited Recluse

She will never come online. She will have only 3 photos that have been uploaded, out of which 2 have been put up by her friends and one by an application that she accidently accessed. She will not post on your wall or reply to any posts. She will not update her status. She will have somewhat of a limited profile and refuse to be friends with anyone. Technically speaking her profile is in a vegetative state. Sooner or later, the good folks at Facebook will euthanize it.

The Ugly One

She is ugly as hell. Heck even Hell is prettier and hotter than her. Yet she is always hanging around pretty women and hence you have her as a friend with the secret hope in mind that one day when you comment, one of her pretty friends will find you humorous and add you as a friend.

The Perfect One

The perfect one will be the one you desire. She will be pretty, smart and highly friendly. She will talk to you whenever you want. Never disappoint you with her replies and will be the perfect one for you. She is the girl of your dreams and is the perfect person to talk to whenever you’re bored. However each one of them comes with an extra appendage called a boyfriend. Secretly you wait for her to break up with him but you know it will never happen. You however go on with the rest of the crowd liking her photos hoping she sees the love in the multiple likes that you give her posts and comments. She never does.

The Ones You Stalk

All of them.

So awesome that she can access the internet in her kitchen.

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A Tale of Death and Breath

This story takes place on the Planet Tik which is a twin of the planet Tak in the Mouth Freshener Galaxy.

The planet Tik is occupied by sentient beings called Tics, who believe in helping the Universe freshen up. Every year a group of Tics would pack themselves into a tiny rectangular box and come for an expedition to Planet Earth.

Somehow they would never return as the tribals of this planet, would mistake them as confectionary and consume them one at a time. Sometimes the tribals would take great pleasure in throwing the inhabitants into the air and letting them land into the moist pits of their mouths while on other occasions they would empty out the entire spaceship at one go. Stories of the evil acts of the humans became legends on the planet. Expeditions to Earth were forbidden, yet one Tic decided to take revenge. He decided to wreak havoc on the humans and make them regret their actions. He packed himself into a Spearmint box and took off for Earth.

It was Sunday morning when Johnny found a Tic Tac box lying on the ground. He picked it up and looked within. It was completely empty except for one Tic Tac that had got stuck to the far end of the box. He violently shook the box hoping for it to fall out. When it eventually fell out he looked at it and stared at its perfect shape. That is when the Tic Tac suddenly stood up and started screaming. Johnny was about to raise his fist and hit it when suddenly it just said ‘Johnny. You are a nice guy. I hope that you live a nice life’.

Jonathan did not know how to respond. In his hand he held a talking Tic Tac and one that was being very nice to him. He decided to take the Tic Tac home and observe it.

The Tic Tac meanwhile smiled. His plan was falling into place. He would not attack the humans through violence he would merely be nice to them and gain their trust. Johnny’s dead body was found a week later. His mouth smelled worse than the rest of his decomposed corpse.

If you’re out there thinking about eating a Tic Tac right now, I warn you of what is to come. Remember there is one mint out there out to get you. He will be as nice as he can. Do not trust him. Be careful. This is not your ordinary mint. It is a Compli-Mint.

Johnny’s girlfriend later got seduced by a Tic and ended up getting pregnant. She had it coming. She loved sucking Tics.

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