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Hey Dost – If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Welcome back to ze advice times!
Hey Dost,
I want to get off the internet and have a life. How do I do that?
Akanksha Sharma
Hey Dost,
HAHAHAHHA YOU’RE SCREWED YOU CAN NEVER DO THAT!
The internet is the greatest and worst creation that mankind has ever made. It’s like a hot woman because it’s so beautiful and distracting that you will never focus on your work unless you learn to ignore it. The internet is like a drug that you really cannot get rid off (Like cocaine or the taste of butter chicken). The only way you can get off the internet is by deleting your internet connection (or as normal people call it switching to Vodafone 3G). I feel if you really want to have a life then you can start by following these real life website substitutes that will help you move on:
Facebook:
Go outside. Talk to real people and make real friends. Then when they get married you can go to their houses and spray paint on their walls ‘CONGO YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER’. This is also a great way to socialize and meet new people. You can always sit in a group and discuss the days updates like ‘Sheila got a husband. What happens next will blow your mind?’ and ‘Here are ten ways we can bitch about other people without being bitchy’. Then when you see your ex you can follow him around and every single time he’s with a girl you can scream ‘I still miss us’ so that he feels awkward. Live the life a little. It’s really that simple.
Twitter:
Open your window. Scream at the air. Realize nobody is listening. Close your window. Repeat process in ten seconds.
Youtube:
Go see a theatre play. It’s exactly like youtube but it’s live (some plays even have mini unskippable ad plays that happen before the actual play starts)
Gmail:
Constantly touch your postman’s forehead and mutter ‘Refresh’ and hope that he delivers the latest mail instantly.
Orkut:
Visit Bangladesh.
Trust me the internet is a vast playground and the only way to get off it is to deny playtime to yourself. So the next time you see yourself climbing up the slide of instant online gratification, get off and rush to the swings of life and play there till your parents come and take you away. Great things are always achieved by great people, and great people are those who stri to turn the WiFI off. So I wish you luck with that! *opens window and screams at a bird*
Hey Dost, 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– Araniani Aces
Hey Dost,
That’s a great question and the answer is simple. Love is blind but lust is not. Love is nothing but lust with his eyes covered, love will subdue lust till the opportune moment, and lingerie is the catalyst that makes them both crazy.
Here’s how lust and love see things:
Hot Girl:
Lust: OHO I WANT HER.
Love: I wish she was my girlfriend. I would make her feel so special all the time.
Sex:
Lust: OHO YES THIS IS WHAT I WANT. THIS IZ BEST.
Love: I am doing this with the person who makes me comfortable.
Lingerie:
Lust: OOOOOOH
Love: OOOOOOH MY GOD! LET US DO THIS. THIS IZ BESTS.
Lust: THIS IS BRESTS.
Love: OOOOH CHADDI.
Lingerie is the greatest creation of mankind after the internet and honestly it’s what glues love and lust together. They are nothing but chaddi buddies that love badi chaddis. I think that’s why animals don’t spend so much time with each other. It’s only because they don’t wear lingerie (it’s also a bit bizarre for a lioness to run behind deer wearing La Senza outfits). Dressing up and looking pretty is the greatest thing anyone can do for their respective partners (if you’re a guy trying out lingerie it’s a bit creepy) but that’s what makes us human. We like dressing up for the people we love because love is blind and lingerie is it’s braille.
PS: The next time you plan to wear lingerie don’t forget to get a second opinion on how it looks (You can always contact me because like Akanksha, I too am trying to get off the internet and need offline alternatives to well….*coughs* Savitabhabhi *coughs*).
Hey Dost,
Have you ever been in a situation where nothing seems to go your way. There’s nobody you can share your feelings with. You just want to have a new beginning in your life? You feel like you’re the least important guy in the world? If yes how did you handle the situation?
– Shalin Shah
 
Hey Dost,
Of course I’ve been in situations like this. People believe that comedians are happy all the time and when you hang out with them all you see is positivity and unicorns but it’s not true. Comedians are known to be the saddest humans because we spend so much time making other people happy we completely forget what makes us happy. (Children’s toys and photos of Ajay Devgn make me truly happy)
There are moments when I feel really sad and unimportant, but then I realise that at the end of the day all of us have someone looking upto us (my friend Raj is 4 feet tall so he always ends up looking up to me).
If you ever feel down or sad you should always call someone and talk to them, that’s what friends are for. Friends are nothing but free psychiatrists whose advice you should rarely listen to (because a comedian giving advice is much saner). Life is exactly like one long car journey. There are going to be moments where you’re super bored and moments where you really wish you had not taken the journey in the first place. Yet every single time we reach the end of our journey we look back and instead of seeing where we’ve reached we see the distance we’ve covered and that makes us proud.
Trust me things don’t go your way every now and then but you should just keep a cool mind about it and everything will fall into place. Here’s the correct procedure to handle sadness:
1. Feel sad and demotivated.
2. Go to Google and look for motivational posts and stories.
3. Read up on famous people on wikipedia.
4. OOOOH the new Flash episode is out.
5. Download it and watch it.
6. That was a great episode. Wait a second…what were we feeling bad about now?
7. Don’t remember let me just continue with life.
8. Crap! I have wasted my whole day. I feel so unimportant.
9. Well at least I’m not Baba Sehgal.
10. PARTY!
So the next time you’re down just forget everything and smile because there’s a lot more to look forward to than this. In case you’re really depressed you can come Lingerie shopping with Araniani and I and then we can meet up with Akanksha and sit on the internet and feel much better about our existence. (We will watch cat videos, see gifs of people falling and occasionally open windows and scream at birds).
That’s all from my side. Thank you so much for writing in. If you have any problems then do message me in my inbox and I will answer it the next time.
Till then!
May the dost be with you!
Sahil.
Lingri

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Hey Dost. Column no. 3

Hello dosts! Welcome back to ze advice times!
Hey Dost,
What to do when life gives me a watermelon instead of lemons?
– Navneet Kaur

Hey Dost,
Life is so stupid. Firstly I want to meet the guy who coined this term because I’ve been waiting for life to hand me lemons but every single time I call up customer care they say ‘Sorry sir we are currently out of lemons. Please listen to this Stevie Wonder song while we keep you on hold for the next generation’.
Honestly I feel life should have a customer care centre where you can call up and complain about all your problems. Life giving you watermelons instead of lemons? Clearly life is not doing very well in the retail space.
I firmly believe if life gives you lemons then you should tell life to get lost because you didn’t want lemons in the first place. It totally depends on what your outlook is:
1.Optimists: See the glass half full.
2. Pessimists: See the glass half empty.
3. Opticians: Give you glasses.
4. Opportunists: Take the glass and try to get free water from Mc.Donalds.
5. Normal People: Call the waiter and ask him why the glass has not been filled up yet. 
So if life gives you a watermelon you just take it and happily eat it because honestly in this economy anything that’s free is a blessing and not a curse.

Hey Dost,

Is buying an iPhone a neccessity for getting laid in today’s time?
– Laksh Narang
Hey Dost,
See if you buy an iPhone then girls go ‘OMG HE IS SO RICH HE CAN AFFORD AN iPHONE I WILL DO SEX ON HIM’ but then again if you buy a Micromax she will be like ‘OMG HE IS POOR. I WILL DO PITY SEX ON HIM’.
Trust me getting laid is not about buying the phone but more about using your microsim properly. 
In case you don’t have an iPhone you can always contact Navneet Kaur as she’s got a whole bunch of watermelons lying around (that sounds very very wrong). 
 
Hey Dost,
I’m a fat girl and had a break up last year. He didn’t bother to tell a reason but he told his friends that he doesn’t want to date a poofy person anymore. I really got depressed and it made me so insecure that I can’t even take a walk by myself. What do I do?
 – Anonymous
Hey Dost,
Firstly.
What an asshole. Honestly if any guy told you that then he deserves to be slapped on his face by a watermelon.

Secondly.I don’t believe in people being fat or thin. Being a former fat person I know how sad it is when people ignore you because of your looks. I did my best and lost weight and now look at me….people still ignore me. (PS: Ugliness is genetic)
You shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself or depressed because of what one stupid jackass told you. I’m glad you’re not with him because you deserve someone better. Never settle for a guy who goes by the looks and mainly a guy who is so uneducated that he uses words like ‘Poofy’ in real life.

My advice to you? Hold your head up high and move on. Breakups are like giant dumps. You feel so much lighter and better after getting rid of all that waste. Just disregard this entire experience and flush it all away. You are who you are and you should be proud of yourself. You may be Jupiter to someone, yet to someone else you are the world (this makes no sense because Jupiter does not have people but let’s keep this as a secret between us). 
To quote a famous philosopher “I’m all about that bass bout that bass. No Treble”. 
Don’t worry. Life is like a jogging park with free lemonade at the end. Sometimes it’s best to leave people behind and continue because sooner or later someone will walk alongside with you. Just enjoy the breeze and keep walking! (Super emo? I know? I just cried and ended up watching the Notebook. I think I have ovaries now.)
If you still feel depressed I know a guy who is willing to meet women (he doesn’t own an iPhone though so that may be a slight issue).

Hey Dost,
I need your help and advice. I like this boy but he says he doesn’t like Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings. Instead, he prefers to go watch Bollywood movies and quote Yo Yo Honey Singh. How do I break his heart and not hurt his feelings at the same time?
– Alisha Attarwala
Hey Dost,
HE DOES NOT LIKE STAR WARS OR LORD OF THE RINGS? *fans self and reduces blood pressure*
 
I used to be super judgemental of people like that until i realized that everyone has different tastes although in my opinion this guy looks like a guy who will go to a Gourmet Buffet and ask them for Paan instead.
 
I feel you shouldn’t break his heart because he obviously likes certain things and if you really like him then you have to compromise or settle (if he’s super cute DO IT). What you can do is get him interested into watching Star Wars by convincing him that Honey Singh is Darth Vader. Show him edited clips that go like:
 
Luke: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Vader: Yo Yo Vader Singhaaaa….I’m your father. Aaj main hoon daddy daddy daddy daddy. Aur din bhi Sunny Sunny Sunny.
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
The same trick even works for LOTR:
Smeagol: This gold ring. Master needs it. Master looks like tiny doll.
Golem: Gold? Doll?
Smeagol: BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI. PRECIOUSSSS….BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI.
(trust me LOTR and Bollywood works much better because Sauron Zamana Haseeno Ka Deewana).
 
This is a simple trick called subliminal messaging and slowly start using it in daily conversation and he will be a Star Wars/Lotr lover in no time! Everyone loves Bollywood and that’s what makes us Indian because no matter how classy you are you can never remove Bollywood from your system. It’s integral to our existence. Just stick to this entire tactic and trust me he will be a fanboy or else you can always release these edited clips on youtube and become super famous and then answer advice columns that nobody reads. (In case you have an issue then you can always contact life at 1800 – LIFE – DEATH – WATERMELONS)

Thank you so much guys for writing in. If you have any questions or queries do let me know and I will answer it the next time!
 
Till next time!
May the Dost be with you.
Sahil

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Hey Dost (Sahil’s Almost Weekly Advice Column)

Hey dosts! I’m so sorry I was supposed to write this last week but fell super sick and didn’t get any time.

Anyways you guys asked me some questions and now it’s time for me to give some advice! SOLETTUCEBEGIN!

 

Hey Dost,

How does it feel when your ex still wants to be your friend just after your breakup because it helps you move on?

– Vivek Kate

 

Hey Dost,

It’s amazing how many people have had bad break ups and don’t know what to do about it afterwards. A majority of the population doesn’t stick to friendship after the break up but I feel that depends on the amount of time you have dated. Here’s the post breakup friendship chart to help you out:

 

1 day – 1 month = Can still go back to being friends.

1 month – 1 year = May or may not work.

1 year onwards = He/She has seenyou nangu for more than a year. There is no turning back. You can be friends but every time you meet you will always be reminded of your shared nangu memories.

 

To some extent it’s great that the ex wants to be your friend but technically if you want to move on you should take your space and then get back to being friends. It’s a tricky scenario and I feel the one reason people are afraid of breakups is because they never work out properly. Take for example Adam and Eve:

 

Adam: I want to see other people. 

Eve: There are no other people. 

Adam: Damn it.

 

Also honestly every single break up conversation is filled with all the cliched dialogues, but they’re never really honest right? 

 

So what they end up saying is:

“We need to start seeing otherpeople”

 

“It’s not you. It’s me”

 

“I just feel that we need some space. Let’s just be friends”

 

but what they actually mean is:

“We are bored of each other’s bodies.Let’s start seeing other people nangu”

 

“It’s definitely you. Seriously? Do you think it’s me? Bitch pliss I’m perfect. Maybe it’s me..maybe it’s Maybelline”

 

“Friends? AHHAHAHAH we are never going to be that. One of us is going to spend the rest of our life moping and imagining alternative realities where we’re married and have children that look like David Beckham. I’m definitely not going to just be your friend, I’m going to follow you everywhere, going to stalk you till you die and when you die I’ll send a friend request to Yamraaj so I can see which afterlifephotos he is tagging you in. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE APART”

 

So it’s up to you whether you can keep the friendship or whether you will turn into an emotional drunkard who listens to Arijit Singh songs and cries everytime you see your own reflection. I’d say after a break up take some time off for yourself. Treat yourself. Love yourself. THEN UNFRIEND THAT PERSON FROM FACEBOOK. HOW DARE YOU MOVE ON SO QUICKLY HUH? I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE? I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE WITH A TOMATO…..excuse me. I got carried away.

 

Hey Dost,

What if I find a certain Sahil Shah hot? 

-Vanshika Fotedar

 

Hey Dost,

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH LOLPAPADYOU NEED HIGHER STANDARDS.

but if you’re still settling for anything then I know a guy called Vivek Kate(he loves being friends before and after. Plus together you can spend some Kate-Meethe Pal….hahaha I am comedy)

 

Hey Dost,

How do I make a girl who suddenly hates me regret it? Also, why are there no single girls on Tinder?

-Vedha Vinjarmuri

 

Hey Dost,

Let’s divide your wonderful questions into two parts first.

 

a.Firstly I just want to know how has the girl suddenly started hating you? There’s no such thing as sudden hate. You will never meet someone who you just see and then want to slap for no rhyme or reason (unless that someone is KRK then I can understand). 

 

However to some extent I know where you’re coming from because women are as unpredictable as British weather (one moment you’re discussing how nice it is, the other moment you’re being showered upon because it hates your judgement). Women can hate you or love you based on their mood and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

 

Infact you can’t even make a woman regret anything. Once she has made a decision it is final, which is what makes women possess superior shopping skills. They go in with a mindset of buying the one thing they won’t hate and the one thing other women will regret not buying. The same applies for men too; they see men as purses that can be used, stuffed to the brim with emotions and stories about how their day went and then thrown away when they find a better deal. 

 

My advice to you?

If a woman sees you as a purse, you behave like a clutch. Show here that you’re the one with the money and she will make sure that you are top priority for her. (Most of this analogy will not make sense to you but any woman reading this will smile and then go back to filling their man purses with stories about their day)

 

b.Secondly I have mentioned this before also and I want to say it again. Tinder is the worst place for finding women. It’s currently filled with teenagers who believe they will find love and friendship (LOLCHEESETOAST). What they don’t know is that it’s also filled with a bunch of sleazy men who spend their days swiping right to every single profile in the hope they will get one match. Plus most of the single girls are wary of men online (ask any girl about her ‘Other folder’. I believe a girls hotness is proportional to the number of messages she has in her other folder’). Trust me as a single girl the last thing you wantis to have conversations like:

 

Guy1: Hey butiful. Nyc eyes and nyc drass. U lukin fyn. Want to mit for sex?

Guy2: Hello. I am intellectual guy who has come to this website just to make newfriends. I have just moved to the city and have no friends so I was told to goto Facebook and message random women because apparently this tactic works inconning stupid women who think I’m here to make new friends. Later on sex youwill do?

Guy3: Hi. I just came across your profile while I was randomly searching for women and I have to say. You are pretty. You want to sex?

Guy4: I’m a Nigerian prince and I want to transfer money to your account. 

Guy5: Hi. Sex? Dega to legi?

 

In other words there is no way you’re going meet a single girl on Tinder or a woman who doesn’t suddenly hate you. The best way to make a woman regret anything is by making her jealous. Find a woman who loves you and that will counteract the hate (yin and yang/ Abbas and Mustan). 

 

If this still doesn’t work then stop going to Tinder and meet Vanshita Fotedar (If she finds me hot then she would be attracted to you, even if you were literally a purse with legs and chest hair)

 

That’s all the advice I have for this week. Thank you so much for writing in and again if you have any relationship issues or need advice on anything in life (screw the colour of the dress cos it’s shit anyways) then do let me know.

 

Till next time!

May the dost be with you!

Sahil.

07sld1

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