Tag Archives: advice

Hey Dost. Column no. 3

Hello dosts! Welcome back to ze advice times!
Hey Dost,
What to do when life gives me a watermelon instead of lemons?
– Navneet Kaur

Hey Dost,
Life is so stupid. Firstly I want to meet the guy who coined this term because I’ve been waiting for life to hand me lemons but every single time I call up customer care they say ‘Sorry sir we are currently out of lemons. Please listen to this Stevie Wonder song while we keep you on hold for the next generation’.
Honestly I feel life should have a customer care centre where you can call up and complain about all your problems. Life giving you watermelons instead of lemons? Clearly life is not doing very well in the retail space.
I firmly believe if life gives you lemons then you should tell life to get lost because you didn’t want lemons in the first place. It totally depends on what your outlook is:
1.Optimists: See the glass half full.
2. Pessimists: See the glass half empty.
3. Opticians: Give you glasses.
4. Opportunists: Take the glass and try to get free water from Mc.Donalds.
5. Normal People: Call the waiter and ask him why the glass has not been filled up yet. 
So if life gives you a watermelon you just take it and happily eat it because honestly in this economy anything that’s free is a blessing and not a curse.

Hey Dost,

Is buying an iPhone a neccessity for getting laid in today’s time?
– Laksh Narang
Hey Dost,
See if you buy an iPhone then girls go ‘OMG HE IS SO RICH HE CAN AFFORD AN iPHONE I WILL DO SEX ON HIM’ but then again if you buy a Micromax she will be like ‘OMG HE IS POOR. I WILL DO PITY SEX ON HIM’.
Trust me getting laid is not about buying the phone but more about using your microsim properly. 
In case you don’t have an iPhone you can always contact Navneet Kaur as she’s got a whole bunch of watermelons lying around (that sounds very very wrong). 
 
Hey Dost,
I’m a fat girl and had a break up last year. He didn’t bother to tell a reason but he told his friends that he doesn’t want to date a poofy person anymore. I really got depressed and it made me so insecure that I can’t even take a walk by myself. What do I do?
 – Anonymous
Hey Dost,
Firstly.
What an asshole. Honestly if any guy told you that then he deserves to be slapped on his face by a watermelon.

Secondly.I don’t believe in people being fat or thin. Being a former fat person I know how sad it is when people ignore you because of your looks. I did my best and lost weight and now look at me….people still ignore me. (PS: Ugliness is genetic)
You shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself or depressed because of what one stupid jackass told you. I’m glad you’re not with him because you deserve someone better. Never settle for a guy who goes by the looks and mainly a guy who is so uneducated that he uses words like ‘Poofy’ in real life.

My advice to you? Hold your head up high and move on. Breakups are like giant dumps. You feel so much lighter and better after getting rid of all that waste. Just disregard this entire experience and flush it all away. You are who you are and you should be proud of yourself. You may be Jupiter to someone, yet to someone else you are the world (this makes no sense because Jupiter does not have people but let’s keep this as a secret between us). 
To quote a famous philosopher “I’m all about that bass bout that bass. No Treble”. 
Don’t worry. Life is like a jogging park with free lemonade at the end. Sometimes it’s best to leave people behind and continue because sooner or later someone will walk alongside with you. Just enjoy the breeze and keep walking! (Super emo? I know? I just cried and ended up watching the Notebook. I think I have ovaries now.)
If you still feel depressed I know a guy who is willing to meet women (he doesn’t own an iPhone though so that may be a slight issue).

Hey Dost,
I need your help and advice. I like this boy but he says he doesn’t like Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings. Instead, he prefers to go watch Bollywood movies and quote Yo Yo Honey Singh. How do I break his heart and not hurt his feelings at the same time?
– Alisha Attarwala
Hey Dost,
HE DOES NOT LIKE STAR WARS OR LORD OF THE RINGS? *fans self and reduces blood pressure*
 
I used to be super judgemental of people like that until i realized that everyone has different tastes although in my opinion this guy looks like a guy who will go to a Gourmet Buffet and ask them for Paan instead.
 
I feel you shouldn’t break his heart because he obviously likes certain things and if you really like him then you have to compromise or settle (if he’s super cute DO IT). What you can do is get him interested into watching Star Wars by convincing him that Honey Singh is Darth Vader. Show him edited clips that go like:
 
Luke: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Vader: Yo Yo Vader Singhaaaa….I’m your father. Aaj main hoon daddy daddy daddy daddy. Aur din bhi Sunny Sunny Sunny.
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
The same trick even works for LOTR:
Smeagol: This gold ring. Master needs it. Master looks like tiny doll.
Golem: Gold? Doll?
Smeagol: BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI. PRECIOUSSSS….BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI.
(trust me LOTR and Bollywood works much better because Sauron Zamana Haseeno Ka Deewana).
 
This is a simple trick called subliminal messaging and slowly start using it in daily conversation and he will be a Star Wars/Lotr lover in no time! Everyone loves Bollywood and that’s what makes us Indian because no matter how classy you are you can never remove Bollywood from your system. It’s integral to our existence. Just stick to this entire tactic and trust me he will be a fanboy or else you can always release these edited clips on youtube and become super famous and then answer advice columns that nobody reads. (In case you have an issue then you can always contact life at 1800 – LIFE – DEATH – WATERMELONS)

Thank you so much guys for writing in. If you have any questions or queries do let me know and I will answer it the next time!
 
Till next time!
May the Dost be with you.
Sahil

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