Tag Archives: bullshit

Valentine’s Day Sucks

Valentine’s day is here! I hate it so much! YAAAAY LOVE SUCKS!

Suddenly every couple wants to share their love while FB pages and whatsapp groups are spammed with unnecessary and grammatically incorrect love posts (u wil alweyz be min fureva aka I love you because you don’t know English).  You can’t step out of your house because you will be spammed by an onslaught of heart balloons, heart chocolates and even pigeons that shit in heart shapes.

V-Day (sounds so wrong) is just a shitty day created by greeting card companies so that they could profit off stupidity. Somewhere in a jungle a tree is crying because his father was killed to become a greeting card. All the other trees are making fun of him going ‘Mera baap sofa ban gaya…haha iska baap chutiya nikla” This day is horrible for single people. I’ve been single for so long that my cupid has filed for unemployment. Let me just clarify, I’m not desperate for a relationship nor do I have feelings of loneliness where I listen to Air Supply songs and cry while caressing a pillow. I’m just a guy who tried and ended up being cynical (even my right hand has started faking headaches)

As a Die Hard romantic fanatic (Who doesn’t love Detective John McClane?), I completely don’t believe in this concept of love. So I went online looking for some romantic quotes to motivate me and all that they did was just infuriate me further. I’m about to decode them and try to tell you how wrong and unromantic they are.

“Love is like friendship on fire”

I have never been in love nor have I ever had the chance to set my friends on fire so I never quite understand what these people are referring to. I’m waiting for the day I meet the perfect girl and speak to her like this:

Me: “Hey you want to be more than friends?”

She: “Sure what do you have in mind”

Me: *pours kerosene over her and then laughs as she burns* “I love you”

This is clearly the most sadistic love quote that I have ever read. Is this what love actually is? You think Sati was not the act of women burning themselves but just girls who wanted to take their relationship to the next level? Honestly this is the only time where it’s valid to call a girl hot and claim that she is your burning desire. Guys you should totally have sex with a girl who has STD’s cos if love is friendship on fire then gonorrhea is making love on fire!

“Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness”

Nope. As a guy I can tell you that the only key than can open a woman’s gate of happiness is a you know….this really small key . All men are like amateur security guards. We possess the keys but when it comes to unlocking the gates we end up fumbling and complaining because we can’t find the right keyhole.

Guys, the best way to reach any gate of any woman is to have the master key. All men know what it is, something that we all will give to a woman somewhere down the line. The larger it is the better they like it. The rougher it is the better they like it. Some of them love wrapping their fingers around it… You know… A diamond. Sheesh guys! Don’t tell me you thought I was talking about something else!

PENIS (had to yell that out)

“Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile”

Who is dreaming of smile? Don’t you have better things to dream about? The only person who I can think of who dreams of my smile is that creepy dentist from the Colgate commercials who randomly meets you in the lift with a scanner and then proceeds to probe you anally.

Listen ladies. We are men. We dream. Yes we do but we dream of…well…you know…smiles are on our faces because we are dreaming of other things. We dream of your large eyes, the ones that are not up there. We dream about your cheeks the ones that are round and perfect. We dream of your lips…around our…*coughs*… let’s just put it this way… our dreams lead to us finding our keys first thing in the morning.

“I want to be the reason why you fell asleep with your phone in your hand”
Aww. I feel bad for you. She did fall asleep, but it wasn’t because of you, it was Flappy Bird.

“I did three things today. Miss you. Miss you and miss you”
Don’t you have a job? Do something with your life. Don’t be so unambitious. This is a really trashy resume to hand over to a company:

Boss: Ok where have you worked before?

Him: I miss people.

Boss: Any experience?

Him: I miss people.

Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years? Please say something different.                              

Him: I see myself working hard for this company.

Boss: Wonderful!

Him: I will still miss people.

Dude, if you you miss someone, call them or meet them. Putting up this status is the laziest way to tell people you like them. Also guys don’t miss people, we have a lot more important things to do all day. Ask any guy what are the three things he did the whole day and he will only smile and say nothing. (Nothing = Fap + Fap + Fap).

“Don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened”

This is the only quote that I completely agree with. This is in fact the same advice that I give myself every morning after I’ve had a rough dump. I knew I should not have eaten so much Chinese last night because I ended up being a bum dragon and it burned so much. I did not cry. I smiled because it happened.

That’s when I realized. Love is exactly like a dump. It’s a tough process. Sometimes it’s hurts and sometimes it’s smooth but it always feels good when it’s over. You feel so relaxed because there is nothing holding you down, as you are a free and independent soul. As soon as you’re done it’s so easy to just flush it all away. Let it go, only if it loves you will it come back.

There you go. That’s my perspective on romance. I’m sure a lot of women(make that all) will disagree with what I just said. Also on a side note I think I’m going to be single for life. However, I really don’t care because I’ve found my calling in life; I’m going to spend the rest of my life campaigning for trees whose fathers have become cards. In case you are a single girl and you miss me, miss me and miss me, I’ll be in your dreams smiling and taking a dump, which I’ll soon set on fire.

AR Rehman once challenged my heart to say the word after Sa. I said “Dil Say Re”

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Every Girl’s Dream

So I saw this small little word piece floating around on Facebook talking about every girl’s dream.

It had some of the most bullshit and fake lovey dovey shit that excites teenagers and adolescents who think all men look like the wonderful spawn of Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson.

They all want guys who dress and sing like One Direction band members.

They desire guys who shower you with flowers and baby unicorns and only care about Love, emotional feelings and flamboyant poetry.

I am tired of seeing people share shit like this as to how ‘Girls like a boy who hugs from behind’ and ‘Girls like a boy who knows when you’re sad’ and ‘Girls like a boy who has no penis’.

ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT.

I am here to sort it out. This is a post I saw titled ‘Every Girl’s Dream’ and I am here to tell you what a normal guy thinks of this bullshit.

EVERY GIRL’S DREAM

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain.

This is disgusting. Firstly if you are kissing in rain then there is something wrong because the chances of you getting pneumonia are very high. You can obviously ask someone to hold up an umbrella while you kiss your lover or even wear a raincoat (they are quite cheap) or better yet go someplace quiet and dry.

I think this is just an excuse to claim that you were with a guy and you became wet.

The only reason I would stand in the rain is if I have a full bladder and I want to pee because nobody will notice the tears stream down my thighs.

In fact every guy does not care about kissing but we would love to see women in white shirts kissing in the pouring rain. You give us that and you have completely made sure we enjoy the monsoons.

2. Have that one hot kiss where your pressed against the wall

Firstly it’s You’re.

Secondly I don’t know what is considered as a hot kiss. I mean if someone is pushing you against the wall then mostly they don’t want to kiss you. Mostly it could be a policeman who is turning you around because he wants to handcuff you. At this point of time making out with a policeman is not considered a good way to get out of jail. (have you seen Indian cops? You’d rather get a death sentence than kiss them)

Even if you are kissing someone I don’t know how it is considered ‘hot’ that you are being pushed against a wall. In fact you should check whether the guy is alive and not merely pressing you against the wall because he is dead.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world

Bitch Please.

Look at the world and then look at your face.

Given a chance to explore the world or to spend time with you pushing you against a wall… we would definitely go for the world.

There is so much stuff around the world that is 50 times prettier than you.

I would stare at photos of Mount Everest than a photo of you. pouting while raising two fingers. Honestly the only time he will think you’re the world is if you’re really fat and going round and round.

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs

The only reason he is doing that is because your boobs feel great against his chest. This is the closest any guy (even your best friend) will get to pressing your boobs. The reason we hug you guys tighter is not because we missed you, but because we missed that awesome feeling of caressing your chest without you noticing it.

5. A guy that whispers he loves you in your ear

There is nothing stupider than this. If he loves you he will tell you he loves you. He does not need to whisper stuff into your ear. The only time a guy will do that is if he is playing Chinese whispers and he misinterprets ‘Aila View’. Either that or it is your stalker who has finally managed to stand really close to you and synchronize his breath with yours. If he whispers this…you should run.

6. Have that moment where you just gaze into each other’s eyes

Honestly your eyes are pretty. That’s all. We’ll stare for around 3 minutes max.

We are not going to spend an entire hour looking into your eyes because honestly speaking….We’d rather stare at your chest.

7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.

Ok now this is disgusting. I don’t know which guy kisses tears. I mean to me this guy seems like someone with a severe salt fetish. Think about it. Imagine you lost a friend in an accident and you’re standing over his dead body. I think the last thing you want is a guy standing there whispering shit into your ear and then licking the tears of your face.

Also how the hell do you kiss a tear? If he kisses your tears is he cheating on you with your tears? Think about it. The last thing you want is to walk in and find him naked in bed caressing a bottle of your tears.

8. When you’re not with your guy he’s all that you can think about

That’s bullshit. We all know that. Once again let me clarify. Are you a stalker?

9. Wearing his jacket (or his sweatshirt) and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds u !!

Firstly, HOW TOUGH IS IT TO SPELL OUT ‘YOU’ PROPERLY?

Okay. Now. Why are you wearing his clothes and sniffing them?

This is the female equivalent to a man coming and smelling your panties. It’s gross.

Why the hell would you want to smell like his sweat? You want to smell men. Get into a local train and come out. Not only will you smell like a bunch of men you will also look like you have been standing in the pouring rain.

10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.

Honestly the only guy who will watch a movie that gets you teary eyed is a guy who has a salt fetish. He also likes making out with tears. Just telling you.

It doesn’t matter how many people you share this with because nobody on Facebook is bothered with your existence. Just remember if you are a stupid girl who believes in this shit then stop because nobody cares.

However if you don’t believe in this…then give me a call.

I like kissing tears.

Thank you.

This is indeed a truly beautiful pick up line that works.

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