Tag Archives: comedian

Hey Dost. Column no. 3

Hello dosts! Welcome back to ze advice times!
Hey Dost,
What to do when life gives me a watermelon instead of lemons?
– Navneet Kaur

Hey Dost,
Life is so stupid. Firstly I want to meet the guy who coined this term because I’ve been waiting for life to hand me lemons but every single time I call up customer care they say ‘Sorry sir we are currently out of lemons. Please listen to this Stevie Wonder song while we keep you on hold for the next generation’.
Honestly I feel life should have a customer care centre where you can call up and complain about all your problems. Life giving you watermelons instead of lemons? Clearly life is not doing very well in the retail space.
I firmly believe if life gives you lemons then you should tell life to get lost because you didn’t want lemons in the first place. It totally depends on what your outlook is:
1.Optimists: See the glass half full.
2. Pessimists: See the glass half empty.
3. Opticians: Give you glasses.
4. Opportunists: Take the glass and try to get free water from Mc.Donalds.
5. Normal People: Call the waiter and ask him why the glass has not been filled up yet. 
So if life gives you a watermelon you just take it and happily eat it because honestly in this economy anything that’s free is a blessing and not a curse.

Hey Dost,

Is buying an iPhone a neccessity for getting laid in today’s time?
– Laksh Narang
Hey Dost,
See if you buy an iPhone then girls go ‘OMG HE IS SO RICH HE CAN AFFORD AN iPHONE I WILL DO SEX ON HIM’ but then again if you buy a Micromax she will be like ‘OMG HE IS POOR. I WILL DO PITY SEX ON HIM’.
Trust me getting laid is not about buying the phone but more about using your microsim properly. 
In case you don’t have an iPhone you can always contact Navneet Kaur as she’s got a whole bunch of watermelons lying around (that sounds very very wrong). 
 
Hey Dost,
I’m a fat girl and had a break up last year. He didn’t bother to tell a reason but he told his friends that he doesn’t want to date a poofy person anymore. I really got depressed and it made me so insecure that I can’t even take a walk by myself. What do I do?
 – Anonymous
Hey Dost,
Firstly.
What an asshole. Honestly if any guy told you that then he deserves to be slapped on his face by a watermelon.

Secondly.I don’t believe in people being fat or thin. Being a former fat person I know how sad it is when people ignore you because of your looks. I did my best and lost weight and now look at me….people still ignore me. (PS: Ugliness is genetic)
You shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself or depressed because of what one stupid jackass told you. I’m glad you’re not with him because you deserve someone better. Never settle for a guy who goes by the looks and mainly a guy who is so uneducated that he uses words like ‘Poofy’ in real life.

My advice to you? Hold your head up high and move on. Breakups are like giant dumps. You feel so much lighter and better after getting rid of all that waste. Just disregard this entire experience and flush it all away. You are who you are and you should be proud of yourself. You may be Jupiter to someone, yet to someone else you are the world (this makes no sense because Jupiter does not have people but let’s keep this as a secret between us). 
To quote a famous philosopher “I’m all about that bass bout that bass. No Treble”. 
Don’t worry. Life is like a jogging park with free lemonade at the end. Sometimes it’s best to leave people behind and continue because sooner or later someone will walk alongside with you. Just enjoy the breeze and keep walking! (Super emo? I know? I just cried and ended up watching the Notebook. I think I have ovaries now.)
If you still feel depressed I know a guy who is willing to meet women (he doesn’t own an iPhone though so that may be a slight issue).

Hey Dost,
I need your help and advice. I like this boy but he says he doesn’t like Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings. Instead, he prefers to go watch Bollywood movies and quote Yo Yo Honey Singh. How do I break his heart and not hurt his feelings at the same time?
– Alisha Attarwala
Hey Dost,
HE DOES NOT LIKE STAR WARS OR LORD OF THE RINGS? *fans self and reduces blood pressure*
 
I used to be super judgemental of people like that until i realized that everyone has different tastes although in my opinion this guy looks like a guy who will go to a Gourmet Buffet and ask them for Paan instead.
 
I feel you shouldn’t break his heart because he obviously likes certain things and if you really like him then you have to compromise or settle (if he’s super cute DO IT). What you can do is get him interested into watching Star Wars by convincing him that Honey Singh is Darth Vader. Show him edited clips that go like:
 
Luke: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Vader: Yo Yo Vader Singhaaaa….I’m your father. Aaj main hoon daddy daddy daddy daddy. Aur din bhi Sunny Sunny Sunny.
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
The same trick even works for LOTR:
Smeagol: This gold ring. Master needs it. Master looks like tiny doll.
Golem: Gold? Doll?
Smeagol: BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI. PRECIOUSSSS….BABY DOLL MAIN SONE DI.
(trust me LOTR and Bollywood works much better because Sauron Zamana Haseeno Ka Deewana).
 
This is a simple trick called subliminal messaging and slowly start using it in daily conversation and he will be a Star Wars/Lotr lover in no time! Everyone loves Bollywood and that’s what makes us Indian because no matter how classy you are you can never remove Bollywood from your system. It’s integral to our existence. Just stick to this entire tactic and trust me he will be a fanboy or else you can always release these edited clips on youtube and become super famous and then answer advice columns that nobody reads. (In case you have an issue then you can always contact life at 1800 – LIFE – DEATH – WATERMELONS)

Thank you so much guys for writing in. If you have any questions or queries do let me know and I will answer it the next time!
 
Till next time!
May the Dost be with you.
Sahil

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Hey Dost (Sahil’s Almost Weekly Advice Column)

Hey dosts! I’m so sorry I was supposed to write this last week but fell super sick and didn’t get any time.

Anyways you guys asked me some questions and now it’s time for me to give some advice! SOLETTUCEBEGIN!

 

Hey Dost,

How does it feel when your ex still wants to be your friend just after your breakup because it helps you move on?

– Vivek Kate

 

Hey Dost,

It’s amazing how many people have had bad break ups and don’t know what to do about it afterwards. A majority of the population doesn’t stick to friendship after the break up but I feel that depends on the amount of time you have dated. Here’s the post breakup friendship chart to help you out:

 

1 day – 1 month = Can still go back to being friends.

1 month – 1 year = May or may not work.

1 year onwards = He/She has seenyou nangu for more than a year. There is no turning back. You can be friends but every time you meet you will always be reminded of your shared nangu memories.

 

To some extent it’s great that the ex wants to be your friend but technically if you want to move on you should take your space and then get back to being friends. It’s a tricky scenario and I feel the one reason people are afraid of breakups is because they never work out properly. Take for example Adam and Eve:

 

Adam: I want to see other people. 

Eve: There are no other people. 

Adam: Damn it.

 

Also honestly every single break up conversation is filled with all the cliched dialogues, but they’re never really honest right? 

 

So what they end up saying is:

“We need to start seeing otherpeople”

 

“It’s not you. It’s me”

 

“I just feel that we need some space. Let’s just be friends”

 

but what they actually mean is:

“We are bored of each other’s bodies.Let’s start seeing other people nangu”

 

“It’s definitely you. Seriously? Do you think it’s me? Bitch pliss I’m perfect. Maybe it’s me..maybe it’s Maybelline”

 

“Friends? AHHAHAHAH we are never going to be that. One of us is going to spend the rest of our life moping and imagining alternative realities where we’re married and have children that look like David Beckham. I’m definitely not going to just be your friend, I’m going to follow you everywhere, going to stalk you till you die and when you die I’ll send a friend request to Yamraaj so I can see which afterlifephotos he is tagging you in. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE APART”

 

So it’s up to you whether you can keep the friendship or whether you will turn into an emotional drunkard who listens to Arijit Singh songs and cries everytime you see your own reflection. I’d say after a break up take some time off for yourself. Treat yourself. Love yourself. THEN UNFRIEND THAT PERSON FROM FACEBOOK. HOW DARE YOU MOVE ON SO QUICKLY HUH? I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE? I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE WITH A TOMATO…..excuse me. I got carried away.

 

Hey Dost,

What if I find a certain Sahil Shah hot? 

-Vanshika Fotedar

 

Hey Dost,

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH LOLPAPADYOU NEED HIGHER STANDARDS.

but if you’re still settling for anything then I know a guy called Vivek Kate(he loves being friends before and after. Plus together you can spend some Kate-Meethe Pal….hahaha I am comedy)

 

Hey Dost,

How do I make a girl who suddenly hates me regret it? Also, why are there no single girls on Tinder?

-Vedha Vinjarmuri

 

Hey Dost,

Let’s divide your wonderful questions into two parts first.

 

a.Firstly I just want to know how has the girl suddenly started hating you? There’s no such thing as sudden hate. You will never meet someone who you just see and then want to slap for no rhyme or reason (unless that someone is KRK then I can understand). 

 

However to some extent I know where you’re coming from because women are as unpredictable as British weather (one moment you’re discussing how nice it is, the other moment you’re being showered upon because it hates your judgement). Women can hate you or love you based on their mood and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

 

Infact you can’t even make a woman regret anything. Once she has made a decision it is final, which is what makes women possess superior shopping skills. They go in with a mindset of buying the one thing they won’t hate and the one thing other women will regret not buying. The same applies for men too; they see men as purses that can be used, stuffed to the brim with emotions and stories about how their day went and then thrown away when they find a better deal. 

 

My advice to you?

If a woman sees you as a purse, you behave like a clutch. Show here that you’re the one with the money and she will make sure that you are top priority for her. (Most of this analogy will not make sense to you but any woman reading this will smile and then go back to filling their man purses with stories about their day)

 

b.Secondly I have mentioned this before also and I want to say it again. Tinder is the worst place for finding women. It’s currently filled with teenagers who believe they will find love and friendship (LOLCHEESETOAST). What they don’t know is that it’s also filled with a bunch of sleazy men who spend their days swiping right to every single profile in the hope they will get one match. Plus most of the single girls are wary of men online (ask any girl about her ‘Other folder’. I believe a girls hotness is proportional to the number of messages she has in her other folder’). Trust me as a single girl the last thing you wantis to have conversations like:

 

Guy1: Hey butiful. Nyc eyes and nyc drass. U lukin fyn. Want to mit for sex?

Guy2: Hello. I am intellectual guy who has come to this website just to make newfriends. I have just moved to the city and have no friends so I was told to goto Facebook and message random women because apparently this tactic works inconning stupid women who think I’m here to make new friends. Later on sex youwill do?

Guy3: Hi. I just came across your profile while I was randomly searching for women and I have to say. You are pretty. You want to sex?

Guy4: I’m a Nigerian prince and I want to transfer money to your account. 

Guy5: Hi. Sex? Dega to legi?

 

In other words there is no way you’re going meet a single girl on Tinder or a woman who doesn’t suddenly hate you. The best way to make a woman regret anything is by making her jealous. Find a woman who loves you and that will counteract the hate (yin and yang/ Abbas and Mustan). 

 

If this still doesn’t work then stop going to Tinder and meet Vanshita Fotedar (If she finds me hot then she would be attracted to you, even if you were literally a purse with legs and chest hair)

 

That’s all the advice I have for this week. Thank you so much for writing in and again if you have any relationship issues or need advice on anything in life (screw the colour of the dress cos it’s shit anyways) then do let me know.

 

Till next time!

May the dost be with you!

Sahil.

07sld1

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I HATE BIRTHDAYS

It was my birthday two weeks ago. I’m going to stop you before you foolishly scream out ‘Happy Birthday’ at your screen. Let me just put it out there, I detest birthdays and more than birthdays I detest other people around my birthday.

It’s that day when suddenly everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my ‘Special Day’. Every single person calls up and has the exact same conversation:

 “HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

“Thanks man”

“SO WHAT PLANS?”

“Nothing”

“HOW COME NOTHING. BRO. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. BRO. GO OUT. CELEBRATE. I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY. I WILL GO AND HAVE COCAINE WITH THE BITCHES BRO. BIRTHDAY BRO. POLICE CATCH YOU AND YOU SAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THEN YOU TAKE THEIR GUN AND SHOOT THEM BRO COME ON BE EXCITED MAN. IT”S YOUR DAY MAN. AAAAGH PARTY BROOOOOO. FUCKING PARTY AND LOSE YOUR TITTIES BRO”

“Thanks Dad. I need to go. I’ll call you right back. ”

Suddenly everyone becomes your best friend, they will want to know about your life, family, parents, relationship, job. Everything should be discussed in that one-30 second conversation. That’s all. That’s the friendship window. You miss out on that…you’re not a friend anymore.

It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, whatsapp forwards that have nothing to do with your birthday and then come the worst things ever….FACEBOOK POSTS.

So I’m going to give you a quick guide on the birthday posts that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:

1. “Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day”

That’s such a sweet, heart warming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking your time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realize that it’s my birthday. I also thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving you of all social courtesy.

Appropriate reply: K

2. “HBD”

Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Even Happy B’day would have been good enough. Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja’s Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don’t wish, I’ll understand and thank you for that.

Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.

3.“HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST”

I never quite understood why people feel it’s important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaida but apart from that it means nothing. I’m not that violent an individual that I’ll call people over and play a game of ‘Exploding Cylinders Run Run!’. In fact it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, ‘Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side it’s Sahil’s birthday so the government has pardoned him’. Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT I know I’ll never have a blast.

Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.

4. “WHEN’S THE PARTY BRO?”

You have not spoken to me in years but you expect me to call you for my party? We don’t even know each other but on the basis of our facebook friendship (which is an occasional like on my status) you expect me to treat you? I’m definitely not having a party and even if I do you are not going to be invited. BTW I see your birthday is coming up in a month. When’s the party bro?

Appropriate Response: When I’m done with your mom.

5.“HAVE A SICK ONE”

This is a wish that I will never understand. Are you trying to wish me or curse me? Wishing me this is as good as sending me a letter with anthrax on it. You might as well come to my party and then cough all over my cake and then wipe your nose with potato chips and give it to me to eat. The last thing I want is people crowding around me in a hospital room screaming ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ while the nurse administers my flu vaccine. 

Appropriate Response: Tell my mother I love her….*coughs*…….*dies*

I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I would like to thank each and every one of you for wishing me and making me feel special. I just felt that I needed to let you guys know what goes through everyone’s mind when you wish them.

In case you feel like wishing me next year just remember that I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. I’ll mostly be having a sick one because I went to a party where people yelled ‘HBD’ and played games of ‘Exploding Cylinder Run Run!’.

Thank you!

 

I once knew two dead birds. Woh Bird The.

!

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