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Hey Dost (Sahil’s Almost Weekly Advice Column)

Hey dosts! I’m so sorry I was supposed to write this last week but fell super sick and didn’t get any time.

Anyways you guys asked me some questions and now it’s time for me to give some advice! SOLETTUCEBEGIN!

 

Hey Dost,

How does it feel when your ex still wants to be your friend just after your breakup because it helps you move on?

– Vivek Kate

 

Hey Dost,

It’s amazing how many people have had bad break ups and don’t know what to do about it afterwards. A majority of the population doesn’t stick to friendship after the break up but I feel that depends on the amount of time you have dated. Here’s the post breakup friendship chart to help you out:

 

1 day – 1 month = Can still go back to being friends.

1 month – 1 year = May or may not work.

1 year onwards = He/She has seenyou nangu for more than a year. There is no turning back. You can be friends but every time you meet you will always be reminded of your shared nangu memories.

 

To some extent it’s great that the ex wants to be your friend but technically if you want to move on you should take your space and then get back to being friends. It’s a tricky scenario and I feel the one reason people are afraid of breakups is because they never work out properly. Take for example Adam and Eve:

 

Adam: I want to see other people. 

Eve: There are no other people. 

Adam: Damn it.

 

Also honestly every single break up conversation is filled with all the cliched dialogues, but they’re never really honest right? 

 

So what they end up saying is:

“We need to start seeing otherpeople”

 

“It’s not you. It’s me”

 

“I just feel that we need some space. Let’s just be friends”

 

but what they actually mean is:

“We are bored of each other’s bodies.Let’s start seeing other people nangu”

 

“It’s definitely you. Seriously? Do you think it’s me? Bitch pliss I’m perfect. Maybe it’s me..maybe it’s Maybelline”

 

“Friends? AHHAHAHAH we are never going to be that. One of us is going to spend the rest of our life moping and imagining alternative realities where we’re married and have children that look like David Beckham. I’m definitely not going to just be your friend, I’m going to follow you everywhere, going to stalk you till you die and when you die I’ll send a friend request to Yamraaj so I can see which afterlifephotos he is tagging you in. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE APART”

 

So it’s up to you whether you can keep the friendship or whether you will turn into an emotional drunkard who listens to Arijit Singh songs and cries everytime you see your own reflection. I’d say after a break up take some time off for yourself. Treat yourself. Love yourself. THEN UNFRIEND THAT PERSON FROM FACEBOOK. HOW DARE YOU MOVE ON SO QUICKLY HUH? I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE? I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE WITH A TOMATO…..excuse me. I got carried away.

 

Hey Dost,

What if I find a certain Sahil Shah hot? 

-Vanshika Fotedar

 

Hey Dost,

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH LOLPAPADYOU NEED HIGHER STANDARDS.

but if you’re still settling for anything then I know a guy called Vivek Kate(he loves being friends before and after. Plus together you can spend some Kate-Meethe Pal….hahaha I am comedy)

 

Hey Dost,

How do I make a girl who suddenly hates me regret it? Also, why are there no single girls on Tinder?

-Vedha Vinjarmuri

 

Hey Dost,

Let’s divide your wonderful questions into two parts first.

 

a.Firstly I just want to know how has the girl suddenly started hating you? There’s no such thing as sudden hate. You will never meet someone who you just see and then want to slap for no rhyme or reason (unless that someone is KRK then I can understand). 

 

However to some extent I know where you’re coming from because women are as unpredictable as British weather (one moment you’re discussing how nice it is, the other moment you’re being showered upon because it hates your judgement). Women can hate you or love you based on their mood and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

 

Infact you can’t even make a woman regret anything. Once she has made a decision it is final, which is what makes women possess superior shopping skills. They go in with a mindset of buying the one thing they won’t hate and the one thing other women will regret not buying. The same applies for men too; they see men as purses that can be used, stuffed to the brim with emotions and stories about how their day went and then thrown away when they find a better deal. 

 

My advice to you?

If a woman sees you as a purse, you behave like a clutch. Show here that you’re the one with the money and she will make sure that you are top priority for her. (Most of this analogy will not make sense to you but any woman reading this will smile and then go back to filling their man purses with stories about their day)

 

b.Secondly I have mentioned this before also and I want to say it again. Tinder is the worst place for finding women. It’s currently filled with teenagers who believe they will find love and friendship (LOLCHEESETOAST). What they don’t know is that it’s also filled with a bunch of sleazy men who spend their days swiping right to every single profile in the hope they will get one match. Plus most of the single girls are wary of men online (ask any girl about her ‘Other folder’. I believe a girls hotness is proportional to the number of messages she has in her other folder’). Trust me as a single girl the last thing you wantis to have conversations like:

 

Guy1: Hey butiful. Nyc eyes and nyc drass. U lukin fyn. Want to mit for sex?

Guy2: Hello. I am intellectual guy who has come to this website just to make newfriends. I have just moved to the city and have no friends so I was told to goto Facebook and message random women because apparently this tactic works inconning stupid women who think I’m here to make new friends. Later on sex youwill do?

Guy3: Hi. I just came across your profile while I was randomly searching for women and I have to say. You are pretty. You want to sex?

Guy4: I’m a Nigerian prince and I want to transfer money to your account. 

Guy5: Hi. Sex? Dega to legi?

 

In other words there is no way you’re going meet a single girl on Tinder or a woman who doesn’t suddenly hate you. The best way to make a woman regret anything is by making her jealous. Find a woman who loves you and that will counteract the hate (yin and yang/ Abbas and Mustan). 

 

If this still doesn’t work then stop going to Tinder and meet Vanshita Fotedar (If she finds me hot then she would be attracted to you, even if you were literally a purse with legs and chest hair)

 

That’s all the advice I have for this week. Thank you so much for writing in and again if you have any relationship issues or need advice on anything in life (screw the colour of the dress cos it’s shit anyways) then do let me know.

 

Till next time!

May the dost be with you!

Sahil.

07sld1

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