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I HATE BIRTHDAYS

It was my birthday two weeks ago. I’m going to stop you before you foolishly scream out ‘Happy Birthday’ at your screen. Let me just put it out there, I detest birthdays and more than birthdays I detest other people around my birthday.

It’s that day when suddenly everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my ‘Special Day’. Every single person calls up and has the exact same conversation:

 “HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

“Thanks man”

“SO WHAT PLANS?”

“Nothing”

“HOW COME NOTHING. BRO. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. BRO. GO OUT. CELEBRATE. I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY. I WILL GO AND HAVE COCAINE WITH THE BITCHES BRO. BIRTHDAY BRO. POLICE CATCH YOU AND YOU SAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THEN YOU TAKE THEIR GUN AND SHOOT THEM BRO COME ON BE EXCITED MAN. IT”S YOUR DAY MAN. AAAAGH PARTY BROOOOOO. FUCKING PARTY AND LOSE YOUR TITTIES BRO”

“Thanks Dad. I need to go. I’ll call you right back. ”

Suddenly everyone becomes your best friend, they will want to know about your life, family, parents, relationship, job. Everything should be discussed in that one-30 second conversation. That’s all. That’s the friendship window. You miss out on that…you’re not a friend anymore.

It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, whatsapp forwards that have nothing to do with your birthday and then come the worst things ever….FACEBOOK POSTS.

So I’m going to give you a quick guide on the birthday posts that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:

1. “Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day”

That’s such a sweet, heart warming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking your time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realize that it’s my birthday. I also thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving you of all social courtesy.

Appropriate reply: K

2. “HBD”

Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Even Happy B’day would have been good enough. Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja’s Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don’t wish, I’ll understand and thank you for that.

Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.

3.“HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST”

I never quite understood why people feel it’s important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaida but apart from that it means nothing. I’m not that violent an individual that I’ll call people over and play a game of ‘Exploding Cylinders Run Run!’. In fact it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, ‘Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side it’s Sahil’s birthday so the government has pardoned him’. Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT I know I’ll never have a blast.

Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.

4. “WHEN’S THE PARTY BRO?”

You have not spoken to me in years but you expect me to call you for my party? We don’t even know each other but on the basis of our facebook friendship (which is an occasional like on my status) you expect me to treat you? I’m definitely not having a party and even if I do you are not going to be invited. BTW I see your birthday is coming up in a month. When’s the party bro?

Appropriate Response: When I’m done with your mom.

5.“HAVE A SICK ONE”

This is a wish that I will never understand. Are you trying to wish me or curse me? Wishing me this is as good as sending me a letter with anthrax on it. You might as well come to my party and then cough all over my cake and then wipe your nose with potato chips and give it to me to eat. The last thing I want is people crowding around me in a hospital room screaming ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ while the nurse administers my flu vaccine. 

Appropriate Response: Tell my mother I love her….*coughs*…….*dies*

I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I would like to thank each and every one of you for wishing me and making me feel special. I just felt that I needed to let you guys know what goes through everyone’s mind when you wish them.

In case you feel like wishing me next year just remember that I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. I’ll mostly be having a sick one because I went to a party where people yelled ‘HBD’ and played games of ‘Exploding Cylinder Run Run!’.

Thank you!

 

I once knew two dead birds. Woh Bird The.

!

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A realistic guide to kissing on the first date.

My lack of relationships has led me to develop shit loads of advice that I will never use. However I feel that I am a relationship expert and it is my duty as a single guy to use all the completely unnecessary information that I have acquired and help the clueless guys who still have a chance. 

Now we all have had our crushes, which have eventually led to dates. We all have had moments where we want to reach in and just kiss the girl standing in front of us which is phase one of something that we’ve havebeen dreaming for a long amount of time. Most of the times it goes off wellbecause we know her and she is not a random girl in the lift who is smellingnice and who turns around and sees you smiling and then gives an awkward screamand gets off on the next floor leaving you alone and teary eyed. 

We all have had that happen to us once right? RIGHT? *cries*

Anyways gathering all my experience I have written this small guide on kissing a girl for the first time. Follow the steps and I can guarantee that you will have a wonderful first kiss. If not…there is always your right hand.

It’s very important that you have a girl or a guy (if you swing that way). Standing in front of the mirror does not count because you know that your reflection is never going to make the first move. You need to find a girl who you find interesting, who you find fascinating, who is not too expensive (if you are really that desperate). Once you’re done begging she may just come out on a date with you.

Step 2: Make sure you have fresh breath.

Oral hygiene is of utmost importance. A major mistake you can make is going for dinner and ordering a garlic naan and being completely unaware of how your breath smells like. The simplest test is to show her your Darth Vader impression. 

Attempt to quote Vader while holding your hand in front of your mouth, breathing into it and smelling your breath.

99% of the time your breath will smell like Chewbacca’s armpit.

Hence in such a situation you must make sure you gargle with the lemon water provided to you in a bowl after dinner. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF WASHING YOUR HANDS IN THAT. It’s a common misconception.

Remember: Garlic breath is a big turn off if the girl you’re sitting with is a Vampire or Jain.

Worst comes to worst go to the toilet and eat 20 packets ofmints at the same time. The only other way to make your breath better is if you have dentures made out of tic-tacs. Go back to her. Smile and breathe into her face. Let her get aroused by the minty freshness of your breath.

Step 3: Pay for themeal.

Always chip in. Nothing spells romance more like saying “You had the chicken, you pay for it.”

Step 4: Ask her out.

After you’re done paying and calculating the tip (10 bucks) ask her to come out.

Step 5: Once outside. Make the move.

Stand in front of her and tell her how you had a wonderful time. All throughout constantly stare at her and wonder how a girl like this ended up on a date with a guy like you.

Also admire the fact that she did not have to resort to massive amounts of alcohol to cloud her judgment. Continue staring at her beautiful face while an imaginary orchestra plays a badly arranged version of Pehla Nasha in your mind.

Hold your arms out and reach out for a hug. 

DO NOT: Shake her hand, pull her towards you and slap her on the back while screaming ‘Yo yo homie’.

Once she is in your arms hug her tightly and then gently let her go but don’t let her go completely.

Just let your eyes settle on her face.  Casually gaze at her lips. 

Back to the eyes. Back to the lips. Back to the eyes.

Quick peek at her boobs. Hmm. Hmm.

Then quickly back to the eyes.

 Once the imaginary chorus begins to play start moving in.

 Step 6: The Kiss

Slowly lean in while simultaneously tilting your head. Imagine that you’re falling asleep in a car while someone is taking a steep turn. Letyour head gently sway to one side and move in. She may tilt in the other direction, not tilt at all, or slap you. Be ready for the slap. It kind of wakes you up from the dream that you are currently having.

If she does not slap you then reach in for the kiss. Make sure your lips touch her lips and your eyes are closed. You don’t want the girl to wonder why the guy in front of her is kissing her and letching at her at the same time. 

While kissing make sure you do not slobber, drool or cough. Never cough on her face. It’s kind of disgusting. Plus the last thing she wantsis her saliva being thrown back on her face.

Once the kiss is done. Slowly move your head back. Stare at her and smile. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles. She likes you back. If she frowns, you probably should have brushed in the morning.

There you go. You have kissed a girl for the first time. Youwill remember this moment for the rest of your life and will always look back and wonder how awesome it was that you had the confidence to do something like this. You will also happily remember how unlike past attempts, she did not charge you for this.  

If it all goes well then you guys will meet again and probably get into a relationship. You are now officially kiss buddies. You can spend the rest of your days meeting each other, constantly informing each other about your mundane existence and constantly finding out newer ways to stop getting bored of the other person.   

 Remember: A kiss a day keeps the boredom away and a garlic naan a day makes sure she stays away forever.

Some thoughts are just kissturbing. I once kissed a raisin. She was a Kiss Miss.

 

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Every Girl’s Dream

So I saw this small little word piece floating around on Facebook talking about every girl’s dream.

It had some of the most bullshit and fake lovey dovey shit that excites teenagers and adolescents who think all men look like the wonderful spawn of Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson.

They all want guys who dress and sing like One Direction band members.

They desire guys who shower you with flowers and baby unicorns and only care about Love, emotional feelings and flamboyant poetry.

I am tired of seeing people share shit like this as to how ‘Girls like a boy who hugs from behind’ and ‘Girls like a boy who knows when you’re sad’ and ‘Girls like a boy who has no penis’.

ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT.

I am here to sort it out. This is a post I saw titled ‘Every Girl’s Dream’ and I am here to tell you what a normal guy thinks of this bullshit.

EVERY GIRL’S DREAM

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain.

This is disgusting. Firstly if you are kissing in rain then there is something wrong because the chances of you getting pneumonia are very high. You can obviously ask someone to hold up an umbrella while you kiss your lover or even wear a raincoat (they are quite cheap) or better yet go someplace quiet and dry.

I think this is just an excuse to claim that you were with a guy and you became wet.

The only reason I would stand in the rain is if I have a full bladder and I want to pee because nobody will notice the tears stream down my thighs.

In fact every guy does not care about kissing but we would love to see women in white shirts kissing in the pouring rain. You give us that and you have completely made sure we enjoy the monsoons.

2. Have that one hot kiss where your pressed against the wall

Firstly it’s You’re.

Secondly I don’t know what is considered as a hot kiss. I mean if someone is pushing you against the wall then mostly they don’t want to kiss you. Mostly it could be a policeman who is turning you around because he wants to handcuff you. At this point of time making out with a policeman is not considered a good way to get out of jail. (have you seen Indian cops? You’d rather get a death sentence than kiss them)

Even if you are kissing someone I don’t know how it is considered ‘hot’ that you are being pushed against a wall. In fact you should check whether the guy is alive and not merely pressing you against the wall because he is dead.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world

Bitch Please.

Look at the world and then look at your face.

Given a chance to explore the world or to spend time with you pushing you against a wall… we would definitely go for the world.

There is so much stuff around the world that is 50 times prettier than you.

I would stare at photos of Mount Everest than a photo of you. pouting while raising two fingers. Honestly the only time he will think you’re the world is if you’re really fat and going round and round.

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs

The only reason he is doing that is because your boobs feel great against his chest. This is the closest any guy (even your best friend) will get to pressing your boobs. The reason we hug you guys tighter is not because we missed you, but because we missed that awesome feeling of caressing your chest without you noticing it.

5. A guy that whispers he loves you in your ear

There is nothing stupider than this. If he loves you he will tell you he loves you. He does not need to whisper stuff into your ear. The only time a guy will do that is if he is playing Chinese whispers and he misinterprets ‘Aila View’. Either that or it is your stalker who has finally managed to stand really close to you and synchronize his breath with yours. If he whispers this…you should run.

6. Have that moment where you just gaze into each other’s eyes

Honestly your eyes are pretty. That’s all. We’ll stare for around 3 minutes max.

We are not going to spend an entire hour looking into your eyes because honestly speaking….We’d rather stare at your chest.

7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.

Ok now this is disgusting. I don’t know which guy kisses tears. I mean to me this guy seems like someone with a severe salt fetish. Think about it. Imagine you lost a friend in an accident and you’re standing over his dead body. I think the last thing you want is a guy standing there whispering shit into your ear and then licking the tears of your face.

Also how the hell do you kiss a tear? If he kisses your tears is he cheating on you with your tears? Think about it. The last thing you want is to walk in and find him naked in bed caressing a bottle of your tears.

8. When you’re not with your guy he’s all that you can think about

That’s bullshit. We all know that. Once again let me clarify. Are you a stalker?

9. Wearing his jacket (or his sweatshirt) and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds u !!

Firstly, HOW TOUGH IS IT TO SPELL OUT ‘YOU’ PROPERLY?

Okay. Now. Why are you wearing his clothes and sniffing them?

This is the female equivalent to a man coming and smelling your panties. It’s gross.

Why the hell would you want to smell like his sweat? You want to smell men. Get into a local train and come out. Not only will you smell like a bunch of men you will also look like you have been standing in the pouring rain.

10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.

Honestly the only guy who will watch a movie that gets you teary eyed is a guy who has a salt fetish. He also likes making out with tears. Just telling you.

It doesn’t matter how many people you share this with because nobody on Facebook is bothered with your existence. Just remember if you are a stupid girl who believes in this shit then stop because nobody cares.

However if you don’t believe in this…then give me a call.

I like kissing tears.

Thank you.

This is indeed a truly beautiful pick up line that works.

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The types of women you see on Facebook

As a single guy I have a lot of time to spend online especially on Facebook. It is a magical site where you can spy on everyone’s life and make sure you know every aspect of him or her.

Sometimes I imagine that I will find the perfect girl online and we will have a perfect relationship and fall in perfect love. However every single time I log onto Facebook, I see the same bunch of women who make my perfect dream disappear. As a gift to my fellow single men, I present to you a guide on the types of women you will encounter on Facebook.

The Disney

This woman will have absolutely no photos of herself. All her photos will be of Disney princesses or random actors. She may put up an Edward Cullen photo and you realize that she is the spawn of Satan. There will be no photos of her. Most of her albums consist of photos of friends or random photos in which 45 million people have been tagged. You will never see her face. If you chat up with her she will speak with you but behind this shrouded veil that other humans refer to as a photo of Selena Gomez. You really wish she puts up more photos so you can catch a glimpse of her but it seems like her face does not exist at all. No matter how hard you try you will never ever see how she looks in real life, but the mere fact that she likes Selena Gomez gives you enough reason to at least purchase a few Cyanide capsules before you meet her.

The Hipster

The Hipster will only use Instagram and put up random photos of dead animals or quotes from authors who you’re pretty sure don’t exist. She will reblog posts and share images that are as abstract and fake as her.

Most of her photos will have her roaming around in random nature based surroundings. Every photo will have been methodically edited and will also come along with an accompanying lyric tag from a band nobody has ever heard of it. In fact most of the times the band will be formed after the lyrics have been read. She will post quotes and philosophy. Kafka, Nietzsche, Freud, she knows them all but the moment you ask her about common things like Hindi music or terrible movies, she will change the subject to more ‘intellectual things’.

The Hot One

OMG. She is so hot. There is no way she will ever be with you. Never. She is way out of your league. She makes your league look like the Sri Lankan Premier League. There is only one thing that you can do… Right Click and Save Image for later use.

The Pretty One

The pretty one will have some of the most beautiful profile photos. Photos that make you stare and fall in love. Everything is perfect except her grammar. Every photo has a terribly spelled caption which ends in a heart (<3) . Half of the times she manages to spell that wrong also.

She will spell great as gr8 and nice as nyc. She will refuse to spell any word correctly or even show some inclination to read the dictionary. Even a decomposing pigeon will type out a better sentence then her. Now you have to make a decision. Does your penis like her or does your brain like her?

The Hogger

The Hogger will take as many photos as she can to prove to the world that she exists. She will take 45 million photos in 1 second and upload them all simultaneously. She will constantly update her Facebook status telling people about how she is eating food and how she is crapping it minutes later. She will then takes photos of her posing near her poop and upload them to an album called ‘Summer Poop :P’. She will post every 10 seconds on your wall making you believe that she has no friends or family. As much as you ignore her, you cannot ignore her digital presence. She will like your every photo and share your ever post. She will be the sole reason for deactivating your profile.

The Limited Recluse

She will never come online. She will have only 3 photos that have been uploaded, out of which 2 have been put up by her friends and one by an application that she accidently accessed. She will not post on your wall or reply to any posts. She will not update her status. She will have somewhat of a limited profile and refuse to be friends with anyone. Technically speaking her profile is in a vegetative state. Sooner or later, the good folks at Facebook will euthanize it.

The Ugly One

She is ugly as hell. Heck even Hell is prettier and hotter than her. Yet she is always hanging around pretty women and hence you have her as a friend with the secret hope in mind that one day when you comment, one of her pretty friends will find you humorous and add you as a friend.

The Perfect One

The perfect one will be the one you desire. She will be pretty, smart and highly friendly. She will talk to you whenever you want. Never disappoint you with her replies and will be the perfect one for you. She is the girl of your dreams and is the perfect person to talk to whenever you’re bored. However each one of them comes with an extra appendage called a boyfriend. Secretly you wait for her to break up with him but you know it will never happen. You however go on with the rest of the crowd liking her photos hoping she sees the love in the multiple likes that you give her posts and comments. She never does.

The Ones You Stalk

All of them.

So awesome that she can access the internet in her kitchen.

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A Coffee-ing Problem

My friend is a superhero. He does not have any major super powers other than the minute ability to turn himself into a pool of coffee every time he senses danger. He does not fight crime also, but his strong smell arouses every villains senses and that persuades them to feel fresh and energetic. The villains then pursue their hobbies with vigour and become successful men.

Villains do not know how to overpower him and he is too strong for their tastes. Unforutnaly every dog has its “we put him down to sleep” day. One night while he was returning back from a club he sensed a sudden rush of danger. Instantly he turned into a brown gooey pile of coffee and laid still on the road. Unforutnately for him he got stabbed 3 times and lost his wallet as well as his cellphone.

What happened to him? How did he let his guard down?

 

He was Mug-ged.

Somebody stop that retarded man. He has something to do with this story.

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