Tag Archives: shah

I HATE BIRTHDAYS

It was my birthday two weeks ago. I’m going to stop you before you foolishly scream out ‘Happy Birthday’ at your screen. Let me just put it out there, I detest birthdays and more than birthdays I detest other people around my birthday.

It’s that day when suddenly everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my ‘Special Day’. Every single person calls up and has the exact same conversation:

 “HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

“Thanks man”

“SO WHAT PLANS?”

“Nothing”

“HOW COME NOTHING. BRO. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. BRO. GO OUT. CELEBRATE. I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY. I WILL GO AND HAVE COCAINE WITH THE BITCHES BRO. BIRTHDAY BRO. POLICE CATCH YOU AND YOU SAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THEN YOU TAKE THEIR GUN AND SHOOT THEM BRO COME ON BE EXCITED MAN. IT”S YOUR DAY MAN. AAAAGH PARTY BROOOOOO. FUCKING PARTY AND LOSE YOUR TITTIES BRO”

“Thanks Dad. I need to go. I’ll call you right back. ”

Suddenly everyone becomes your best friend, they will want to know about your life, family, parents, relationship, job. Everything should be discussed in that one-30 second conversation. That’s all. That’s the friendship window. You miss out on that…you’re not a friend anymore.

It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, whatsapp forwards that have nothing to do with your birthday and then come the worst things ever….FACEBOOK POSTS.

So I’m going to give you a quick guide on the birthday posts that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:

1. “Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day”

That’s such a sweet, heart warming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking your time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realize that it’s my birthday. I also thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving you of all social courtesy.

Appropriate reply: K

2. “HBD”

Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Even Happy B’day would have been good enough. Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja’s Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don’t wish, I’ll understand and thank you for that.

Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.

3.“HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST”

I never quite understood why people feel it’s important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaida but apart from that it means nothing. I’m not that violent an individual that I’ll call people over and play a game of ‘Exploding Cylinders Run Run!’. In fact it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, ‘Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side it’s Sahil’s birthday so the government has pardoned him’. Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT I know I’ll never have a blast.

Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.

4. “WHEN’S THE PARTY BRO?”

You have not spoken to me in years but you expect me to call you for my party? We don’t even know each other but on the basis of our facebook friendship (which is an occasional like on my status) you expect me to treat you? I’m definitely not having a party and even if I do you are not going to be invited. BTW I see your birthday is coming up in a month. When’s the party bro?

Appropriate Response: When I’m done with your mom.

5.“HAVE A SICK ONE”

This is a wish that I will never understand. Are you trying to wish me or curse me? Wishing me this is as good as sending me a letter with anthrax on it. You might as well come to my party and then cough all over my cake and then wipe your nose with potato chips and give it to me to eat. The last thing I want is people crowding around me in a hospital room screaming ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ while the nurse administers my flu vaccine. 

Appropriate Response: Tell my mother I love her….*coughs*…….*dies*

I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I would like to thank each and every one of you for wishing me and making me feel special. I just felt that I needed to let you guys know what goes through everyone’s mind when you wish them.

In case you feel like wishing me next year just remember that I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. I’ll mostly be having a sick one because I went to a party where people yelled ‘HBD’ and played games of ‘Exploding Cylinder Run Run!’.

Thank you!

 

I once knew two dead birds. Woh Bird The.

!

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A realistic guide to kissing on the first date.

My lack of relationships has led me to develop shit loads of advice that I will never use. However I feel that I am a relationship expert and it is my duty as a single guy to use all the completely unnecessary information that I have acquired and help the clueless guys who still have a chance. 

Now we all have had our crushes, which have eventually led to dates. We all have had moments where we want to reach in and just kiss the girl standing in front of us which is phase one of something that we’ve havebeen dreaming for a long amount of time. Most of the times it goes off wellbecause we know her and she is not a random girl in the lift who is smellingnice and who turns around and sees you smiling and then gives an awkward screamand gets off on the next floor leaving you alone and teary eyed. 

We all have had that happen to us once right? RIGHT? *cries*

Anyways gathering all my experience I have written this small guide on kissing a girl for the first time. Follow the steps and I can guarantee that you will have a wonderful first kiss. If not…there is always your right hand.

It’s very important that you have a girl or a guy (if you swing that way). Standing in front of the mirror does not count because you know that your reflection is never going to make the first move. You need to find a girl who you find interesting, who you find fascinating, who is not too expensive (if you are really that desperate). Once you’re done begging she may just come out on a date with you.

Step 2: Make sure you have fresh breath.

Oral hygiene is of utmost importance. A major mistake you can make is going for dinner and ordering a garlic naan and being completely unaware of how your breath smells like. The simplest test is to show her your Darth Vader impression. 

Attempt to quote Vader while holding your hand in front of your mouth, breathing into it and smelling your breath.

99% of the time your breath will smell like Chewbacca’s armpit.

Hence in such a situation you must make sure you gargle with the lemon water provided to you in a bowl after dinner. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF WASHING YOUR HANDS IN THAT. It’s a common misconception.

Remember: Garlic breath is a big turn off if the girl you’re sitting with is a Vampire or Jain.

Worst comes to worst go to the toilet and eat 20 packets ofmints at the same time. The only other way to make your breath better is if you have dentures made out of tic-tacs. Go back to her. Smile and breathe into her face. Let her get aroused by the minty freshness of your breath.

Step 3: Pay for themeal.

Always chip in. Nothing spells romance more like saying “You had the chicken, you pay for it.”

Step 4: Ask her out.

After you’re done paying and calculating the tip (10 bucks) ask her to come out.

Step 5: Once outside. Make the move.

Stand in front of her and tell her how you had a wonderful time. All throughout constantly stare at her and wonder how a girl like this ended up on a date with a guy like you.

Also admire the fact that she did not have to resort to massive amounts of alcohol to cloud her judgment. Continue staring at her beautiful face while an imaginary orchestra plays a badly arranged version of Pehla Nasha in your mind.

Hold your arms out and reach out for a hug. 

DO NOT: Shake her hand, pull her towards you and slap her on the back while screaming ‘Yo yo homie’.

Once she is in your arms hug her tightly and then gently let her go but don’t let her go completely.

Just let your eyes settle on her face.  Casually gaze at her lips. 

Back to the eyes. Back to the lips. Back to the eyes.

Quick peek at her boobs. Hmm. Hmm.

Then quickly back to the eyes.

 Once the imaginary chorus begins to play start moving in.

 Step 6: The Kiss

Slowly lean in while simultaneously tilting your head. Imagine that you’re falling asleep in a car while someone is taking a steep turn. Letyour head gently sway to one side and move in. She may tilt in the other direction, not tilt at all, or slap you. Be ready for the slap. It kind of wakes you up from the dream that you are currently having.

If she does not slap you then reach in for the kiss. Make sure your lips touch her lips and your eyes are closed. You don’t want the girl to wonder why the guy in front of her is kissing her and letching at her at the same time. 

While kissing make sure you do not slobber, drool or cough. Never cough on her face. It’s kind of disgusting. Plus the last thing she wantsis her saliva being thrown back on her face.

Once the kiss is done. Slowly move your head back. Stare at her and smile. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles. She likes you back. If she frowns, you probably should have brushed in the morning.

There you go. You have kissed a girl for the first time. Youwill remember this moment for the rest of your life and will always look back and wonder how awesome it was that you had the confidence to do something like this. You will also happily remember how unlike past attempts, she did not charge you for this.  

If it all goes well then you guys will meet again and probably get into a relationship. You are now officially kiss buddies. You can spend the rest of your days meeting each other, constantly informing each other about your mundane existence and constantly finding out newer ways to stop getting bored of the other person.   

 Remember: A kiss a day keeps the boredom away and a garlic naan a day makes sure she stays away forever.

Some thoughts are just kissturbing. I once kissed a raisin. She was a Kiss Miss.

 

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