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I HATE BIRTHDAYS

It was my birthday two weeks ago. I’m going to stop you before you foolishly scream out ‘Happy Birthday’ at your screen. Let me just put it out there, I detest birthdays and more than birthdays I detest other people around my birthday.

It’s that day when suddenly everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my ‘Special Day’. Every single person calls up and has the exact same conversation:

 “HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

“Thanks man”

“SO WHAT PLANS?”

“Nothing”

“HOW COME NOTHING. BRO. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. BRO. GO OUT. CELEBRATE. I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY. I WILL GO AND HAVE COCAINE WITH THE BITCHES BRO. BIRTHDAY BRO. POLICE CATCH YOU AND YOU SAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THEN YOU TAKE THEIR GUN AND SHOOT THEM BRO COME ON BE EXCITED MAN. IT”S YOUR DAY MAN. AAAAGH PARTY BROOOOOO. FUCKING PARTY AND LOSE YOUR TITTIES BRO”

“Thanks Dad. I need to go. I’ll call you right back. ”

Suddenly everyone becomes your best friend, they will want to know about your life, family, parents, relationship, job. Everything should be discussed in that one-30 second conversation. That’s all. That’s the friendship window. You miss out on that…you’re not a friend anymore.

It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, whatsapp forwards that have nothing to do with your birthday and then come the worst things ever….FACEBOOK POSTS.

So I’m going to give you a quick guide on the birthday posts that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:

1. “Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day”

That’s such a sweet, heart warming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking your time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realize that it’s my birthday. I also thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving you of all social courtesy.

Appropriate reply: K

2. “HBD”

Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Even Happy B’day would have been good enough. Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja’s Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don’t wish, I’ll understand and thank you for that.

Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.

3.“HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST”

I never quite understood why people feel it’s important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaida but apart from that it means nothing. I’m not that violent an individual that I’ll call people over and play a game of ‘Exploding Cylinders Run Run!’. In fact it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, ‘Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side it’s Sahil’s birthday so the government has pardoned him’. Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT I know I’ll never have a blast.

Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.

4. “WHEN’S THE PARTY BRO?”

You have not spoken to me in years but you expect me to call you for my party? We don’t even know each other but on the basis of our facebook friendship (which is an occasional like on my status) you expect me to treat you? I’m definitely not having a party and even if I do you are not going to be invited. BTW I see your birthday is coming up in a month. When’s the party bro?

Appropriate Response: When I’m done with your mom.

5.“HAVE A SICK ONE”

This is a wish that I will never understand. Are you trying to wish me or curse me? Wishing me this is as good as sending me a letter with anthrax on it. You might as well come to my party and then cough all over my cake and then wipe your nose with potato chips and give it to me to eat. The last thing I want is people crowding around me in a hospital room screaming ‘Shots! Shots! Shots!’ while the nurse administers my flu vaccine. 

Appropriate Response: Tell my mother I love her….*coughs*…….*dies*

I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I would like to thank each and every one of you for wishing me and making me feel special. I just felt that I needed to let you guys know what goes through everyone’s mind when you wish them.

In case you feel like wishing me next year just remember that I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. I’ll mostly be having a sick one because I went to a party where people yelled ‘HBD’ and played games of ‘Exploding Cylinder Run Run!’.

Thank you!

 

I once knew two dead birds. Woh Bird The.

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